It's been a few days, yet my annual assessment continues.
The simple fact that I was born has never felt like reason enough to celebrate.
What matters more to me is how much I have or haven't grown during the preceding 12 months – whether or not I've integrated past lessons – how well I've replaced unhealthy, unconscious habits with meaningful, intentional choices.
Reflecting on my personal evolution in this way is often uncomfortable, yet it's my nature to care enough to endure it. I'll admit; it's becoming harder with each passing year – as though I'm running out of time – wearing thin on second chances – ever so slowly losing hope that I'll ever 'get it right'
Skewed Sense Of Self
Trouble is, I'm painfully aware of my own pitfalls. I'll be the first to point out my weaknesses and I'm so quick to blame myself when things go awry.
Learning to acknowledge the good in myself has proven to be my most challenging pursuit. It's infinitely harder to recognize my strengths.
I can't say what happened to slant my self-awareness so heavily towards the negative. Nor can I pinpoint when that imbalance began to develop. Yet I look at images like the one above and see evidence that it wasn't always this way.
This has been one of my favorite photos for as long as I can remember. I see such pure, radiant joy – such uncomplicated happiness – a complete lack of self-consciousness.
How I long for that experience now.
Precious Mementos
Perhaps this is why I so cherish these images.
They're grainy records of me, long before I really knew what 'me' meant – before I'd begun crafting storylines of worth and identity – before weighty ideas such as 'expectation' and 'obligation' and 'shame' began to needle their insidious way into my psyche.
They are invaluable reminders of my inherent nature.
Looking upon the glowing face of this exuberant baby – like a perfect little kewpie doll – I feel a stirring of recognition.
It's as though I can make out the faintest echo, pressed into the fibers of this worn-out photograph.
If I listen deep...I can almost hear myself giggling...
Sharing these words and images with all of you is somehow healing for my world-weary heart. xo, zippy