Have you ever had a friend run frantically to you in a time of perceived crisis?
It’s common for people to run to others when they experience distress. This can come in the form of losing their job, getting dumped, overdrawing their bank account, etc.
Let’s say Ashley runs to her best friends, Anna and Rachel, in a fit of tears after she gets dumped. They immediately coddle Ashley, tell her how wonderful and thoughtful she is, how AWFUL Drew is, and make plans to extract revenge on the now-ex.
What’s missing from this crisis? Self reflection.
When people immediately run to others for relief from their problems, they are not taking time to analyze the situation or their own behavior. They are putting duct-tape on the problem without actually diagnosing the source, getting out their tool kit and fixing the damage permanently.
Let’s say Ashley had clingy tendencies. She got upset when Drew wanted to spend time alone, or with his friends and family. She frequently got upset and accused Drew of not caring about her. Drew did care about Ashley, but he also values his relationship with his friends and family. Obviously, wanting time to oneself is a completely necessary and healthy practice.
Instead of reflecting on her behaviours that might have led to the end of the relationship, Ashley is now 3 cheap wine bottles deep with Anna and Rachel, smearing eggs on Drew’s car.
I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t just let my friends suffer! I have to help them!”
And you’re absolutely right, you do have to help them,by making them accountable for their actions and behaviours. Otherwise, Ashley is going to keep repeating the same toxic behaviours and keep getting her heart broken.
Not coddling your friends does not make you insensitive or selfish. It means you care about them enough to want them to BETTER themselves as a person.
I’m not saying you should completely avoid comforting your friends. Having others around during a period of grieving can be extremely beneficial. What I’m saying, is that we must be able to discern when our friends need our comfort, and when they need our guidance to come to their own conclusions. We must be able to analyze situations and see when they are the ones at fault, and not accept or reward their selfish behaviour.
It is not your responsibility to pick up the pieces of your friends. Quit enabling them to be dependent on others to handle tough situations. Instead, equip them with the tools to be an adaptable, reflective, GROWING human being.
It’s imperative to take responsibility for yourself. Self love is not just realizing how beautiful and unique you are. It’s also learning to check yourself. Realizing when YOU’RE the toxic one, and when you’re the one who needs to improve.
Look out for your friends, check them when they need it. And if their immediate reaction is to get upset with you for not sharing in their self-pity, it might be time to look for some new friends.
After all, our environment is a direct reflection of who we are. If you’re looking to grow and consistently improve your self-awareness, then you need to surround yourself with people who are willing to do the same.