What Is the Matter With Me? I Don't Want To Leave the Homestead

I have had the fear of heights for as long as I can remember. I've also, in my adulthood, realized my fear of flying in an airplane. Both are very common for people.

I once had a panic attack when I went with my youngest daughter on a class field trip to a lighthouse. Beautiful structure... but oh, so high. I 'sucked it up' and decided to escort her, with another chaperone, and a few other classmates in her group to the top. What was I thinking! I was hoping to not embarrass her and conquer my fear of heights. In theory, it sounded perfect. In reality, I got about 20 stairs up this spiral, wrought-iron staircase and literally freaked out. My heart was pounding, I was sweating and I could hardly breathe. I made my excuses and slinked back down to the ground. My knuckles were white as I gripped the handrail. NEVER again!

Before I could fly I would have to take nausea medication and a XANAX. I know most people do, and again on take off until the airplane has landing, I am in a freak out stage of life. I just can't do it.

It wasn't until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease (MD) that I realized many of my physical and mental 'disorders' (for lack of a better phrase) were aligned with symptoms of the MD. I thought my mind was goofy. I thought my fears were unjustified. That is until I started learning more about my disorder and finding out many of my mental challenges were shared by others inflicted with the same disease.

If I could, I would never leave home. As it is now I go out in public once or twice a week. Always on Sunday for church- but they stream services live on YT now, so technically I could skip the actual visit and just pay my tithe via my phone. I also go to the grocery store and library (and any other simple errands that are needed for the week) one other day of the week if I can't talk my husband into going after church services. Yes, our library is open on Sundays from 1-5pm- kind of cool

Over the years as my illness has progressed my husband has become VERY understanding. Some people with MD suffer from over-stimulated sensory disorder and I am one of them. I can't handle crowds. I can't be in a room with Fluorescent bright lights (the kind in offices and most buildings) because it causes my vision to decrease. Too much background noise and I am lost. (One of the main symptoms of this illness is loss of hearing). I am extra cautious if I have to go down, and sometimes up, a flight of stairs because my depth perception is horrendous.
I have bilateral MD, so both my ears and hearing in both ears is affected. I do wear a hearing aid when at home, but when in public I have to use earplugs to help soften the background noise.
I have something called 'drop falls'- which means for no reason other than an episode coming on, I will just... fall down. I don't faint or lose consciousness, but I drop like a sack of potatoes. I actually hurt myself one time- fractured my femur. Yeah... what a mess!

Driving has become.. dangerous. Between the hearing loss, major bouts of vertigo, nausea and never knowing when an episode will hit, I now have a newfound fear of going more than a few miles from my homestead. One day three years ago, I was going to the pharmacy (about 2 miles from our home) and I had an episode. I pulled over and had to have someone come pick me up. When I was still working, I had to leave early due to an episode and, again, had to have someone come pick me up.

I don't attend family gatherings, parties or holiday events. I have lost many friends and some family members' support due to this illness. Most days, it's just me, my baby girl (6 year old chocolate lab) and my husband. And my garden. When I do have an episode, between my medications and the vertigo, I will sleep for hours or days. One episode can cause me to lose two or three days of my active life. It just sucks.

So, if you know someone with an autoimmune disease, please have empathy and/or sympathy. We want to attend that gathering. We want to be included. We want you in our lives. We just don't know if an episode or symptoms will prevent us from attending and being there with you.