I grew up in an environment where I learned to be afraid to speak my truth and to show who I really was. When I was eighteen, after being considered the "Ugly Duckling" throughout my school career, I finally grew into my body. I decided to take modeling classes, and began working with local photographers. I probably could have made a living with modeling. Not to toot my own horn, but I was good at it. Alas, my career was short lived due to a spiritual awakening that led me to anarchy. But I have to give credit to modeling for helping me break out of my shell so I could become the person and activist I am today.
Modeling helped me to become comfortable in my own skin. After I started working in front of the camera, my social anxiety started to drop.
Modeling became an art. As I became more familiar with my own body and the camera, I learned different techniques that would make the picture more valuable. I started to envision the camera as a canvas, and my body was the paint brush.
I encourage people to get out of their comfort zone because it can mean so much to a person's self-esteem. It's also a great opportunity to make mistakes and to learn. Occasionally I was told to tone my facial expressions down because they looked too fake. That helped me learn to authentically express myself. That was a simple, yet valuable lesson that I now use on a daily basis.
Modeling taught me that imperfections aren't a bad thing, that it shows you're human. I never liked the photoshopped images where the model ended up looking like a doll. I became comfortable with my imperfections and mistakes through my modeling career, like this photo above where neither I or the photographer noticed my zipper was down. I still consider this to be one of my favorite shots, zipper down and all.
Occasionally I'd get a little risky with how much skin I showed. I probably was sexualizing myself, and that was ok. I didn't mind showing off my body a little. I don't regret it, though I'd probably make some better decisions if I was still modeling.
The picture above was actually from my first modeling shoot when I was eighteen. I was extremely camera shy, and luckily had a photographer that helped me through the entire shoot. After I saw the photos, I realized there was nothing to be shy about.
I loved learning about lighting during shoots. I think some of the most beautiful photographs are of a woman's back, and it was really neat to see how photographers can get a perfect shot of the curves.
It's fun to go back and to look at these photos because I can see through different shots and lighting how my face has changed since these photos were taken. I was pretty young when most of these photos were taken. I had no idea where I would be almost 10 years from then. I had no idea that breaking out of my socially awkward shell through modeling would lead me to the path of anarchism and activism.
This was my most recent photo, taken back in January of this year. I'm happy to say that I'm no longer using my looks to break out of my shell. I now use my voice to inspire others to live an authentic life, to be unafraid of the judgements of others. Anarchy starts in the mind. Free yourself by doing something that scares you. You never know where it may lead you.
