8-11-2016

"I Can Be Like A Palm Tree Too."

I really love palm trees. I never cared for them at all until one of my friends visited me from England. He kept snapping pictures of palm trees and kept exclaiming how cool they are. I asked him why and he said "Well look at all the weight they can bear but they stand so tall and strong." I thought about my time in Florida and the many hurricanes I lived through. I remember seeing the palm trees go practically completely horizontal but most didn't break. "I can be like a palm tree too," I thought. Years later, I am still not like a palm tree but I'm working on it

"The Fancily Dressed Type."

I pass these buildings on my way to therapy every time I go. I know there's a shorter way I can take but this way feels familiar. It feels safe. Around the time I get here a lot of people are getting off work. There's a parking lot exit (it's for some ritzy apartments where they actually have kombucha on tap) and I always see people pull out in their fancy cars. I keep thinking "Man I want to be like them." Not for the reasons you might think though. I don't care about the fancy cars or the high rise apartments. I keep thinking that those people must have some semblance of having their life together. They're the people who are regulars at their neighborhood coffee shop or exercise class. The put together type who have regular stylists they visit. The fancily dressed type. I want my life to feel as together as that. Sometimes when I see someone particularly put together walk by I try to imagine myself in their outfit....but even I laugh at the notion of how I'd look in some of those heels. Like a wounded stork. Or a newborn giraffe.

'

"Picture Taking Anxiety"

I'm sure this isn't a big deal to most people but I'm terrified as coming off like a hipster douche when I take pictures out and about.  It really sucks because I have always just liked taking pictures. When I was a kid I always wanted to develop film but we were too poor to. I'd often get disposable cameras for field trips or school events but I think I maybe developed 3 films my entire time in high school.  I find it magical all I have to do is pick up my phone and snap (Not "bend and snap!" Wow, lame joke.)  I saw this sign and it made me smile. I like collecting pictures of things that make me smile. My phone is stupidly huge. I was trying to walk over to this and pretend I got a text and tried sneaking a picture of it but in the end decided I was looking TOO much like I was trying not to take a picture so I decided to just own it and blatantly take a picture. I doubt anyone was looking. No one should have to spend this much time thinking about what other people think about them taking a picture.

"Tree Sweat"

I stared at these for far too long deciding on if I wanted one or not. I think I keep lying to myself about liking them. I don't even like green tea at all really. The taste reminds me of what tree sweat must be like. Sort of musky. I have purchased a lot of tea and tea flavored products in an attempt to convince myself that I can be the kind of person who drinks and loves tea. In my head that kind of person reads books too. I want to read again but my brain makes it really difficult to. 

"A Desert I'm Wandering Alone"

I'm her last appointment of the day. Every Thursday I take the train. Every Thursday I drive recklessly because no matter how much I plan to leave the office early it never happens. I adlways end up running out the door like a mad woman.  Every Thursday I stand on a hot crowded train feeling completely alone despite also feeling like a sardine. Every Thursday I sit in the same chair in the waiting room. I don't know why I like this one particular chair but I do. I know the white noise machine she has on is to drown protect confidentiality but it makes me uneasy. I feel alone. I ask myself if I'll be honest this time. And if I'm not honest, does she know anyways? The carpet reminds me of a desert I'm wandering alone. I often think of that scene in Lawrence of Arabia "Ali's Well"... Anyways, sometimes she looks at me with disappointment. I know today will be one of those days because of the stupid decisions I make over the weekend. She will tell me to write. I will not go home and write. I wonder how I'll ever begin to feel better. I should just write.