jotting down...

in a world of decisions, I have a choice to make that dictates everything. Take pictures or do not. The leather splits wide open under the weight of a man who sits here often to play computer games, connect online and eke out a means of existence. The words of rap lyrics range from violence and professors; the school of hard knocks hits so hard because- bad grades in classes you chose compounds the regret, debt and makes you wanna forget. Inaction inertia. An alliteration worthy of an amateur, this little concept represents the weight on my shoulders when I think about my peers, lifestyle, even my stake on my favorite social media platforms. I had such difficulty doing things without clear steps- but buying a book on how to make choices was the best two dollars I ever spent. With how much I owe, it’s important I make the money stretch.

Choose When To Choose

I made an honest choice to cut out an “infection” in my life. I didn’t think poorly of the agent; germs spread by design. I spent three days agonizing it. Do I? Don’t I? I thought of the times we had. It didn’t feel terrible, but the experience reminded of food trips. If you’ve ever bought fast food and left the restaurant, you understand two things. You either check the bag or run the risk. I saw in mine, most of what I ordered. The burger is the tour de force of most runs.

Imagine the burger. It cost four dollars, along with the salted potato skin fries and the sweet and sour sauce for nuggets of chicken breast. Now how would you feel having come expressly for that item to discover it’s not in your bag? I had come for something and had not found it. I could take my loss or go back. I spent three days worried about going back.

I found the trip back unpleasant. This discomfort from discussing hard truths sits like indigestion. It’s a burp stuck in your throat, probably soda. Thinking about whether or not I would stand up for myself hurt more than doing so.

I think I made a decision that holds positive consequence for my life.

I accepted a position, close to home without question. Sharing the news with others did, in fact, elicit reactions. I got it with relative ease. Fast as a Google search, I clicked a few buttons, answered some questions. The interview a day later, I spent fifteen minutes running there with the gusto of Wile E. Coyote, and about 30 minutes making my case for hire. I felt a humble excitement at the speed of the process- desk to office in 36 hours.

Accepting the offer instantly simplifies matters. I see it on TV. Contestants can’t decide between this suitcase, that door or what vowel to buy. Some sweat, turn their heads and listen to the crowd shouting ideas on air. After hasty deliberation, the person makes a choice. I didn’t get dancing like I need the bathroom over picking something- I often ask "Burger King or Wendy’s", but not til I’m on the verge of tears. In short, I need money. By the end of the month, 19 days ago, I’ll need money in three weeks for a bunny! So I’ll sit through this for now- work as a portraitist economist on the blockchain is patient and lucrative. If I can flow into it a meager stream, I’m sure out can flow a wellspring.

_{What wonders a can-do attitude can do.}

Be a Chooser, Not a Picker

I hear there's a case for excess choice creating excess stress for our lives. Here, within the realm of text, I can speak volumes about my truths. I live to create images. I make pictures of people. These thoughts I type and write with pencil combine to give you an image of myself. I fear the outcomes my visual imagination can depict: lucid dreams where I lose. As a picker most of my life, I accepted one of a few options until I couldn’t sleep at the wheel any longer. You know my name. I was never meant to be a passenger in someone else’s ride. To be a chooser, more often I framed decisions around whether or not I could participate in a select few things. Imagery or games. I played my fair share of my games. My inner child hasn’t understood I can see more if I do my chores first- life is a game after all, just depends on how you play it.

Games became too frequent an occasion, too regular of a routine. Pleasure dwindled and regret over spending time online instead of with my ikigai, my reason for being, grew. To boil down activities into “photo or no-go” suits a simpleton like me.

• Do away with deciding about the irrelevant things to you.
  • I could care less about a boat.
• Use the time to ask yourself what’s important.
  • I want her to be my last. That’s my goal.
• I am not going to find a job they lets me read, write and photograph to storytell. At least, not yet. As such, I am here for your vote. I don’t need much, just enough to beat inflation. Recession’s due in 12 months.

^{The setting where this portraiture took place no longer stands.}

^{I choose to survive, but what if we have no choice but to exist?}