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KETO WARS - Episode One - "A Noodle Hope"

by Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Like the words at the beginning of Star Wars
PRINCESS SOYA - Princess and leader of the Vegeta-Rebel Alliance
OBI-WAN KE-NO-BEEF - Baker master, harnesses the power of the carbs
LUKE PIEWALKER - A Young man who turns out to be the chosen one

NARRATOR
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…

SOUND FX - STAR WARS MUSIC THROUGHOUT SPEECH

NARRATOR
The brutal and ongoing Keto Wars continue to ravage the Imperium. The Keto Empire, determined to spread its carnivorous eating habits across the known universe, is resisted only by the United Vegetable Alliance. Led by the wise Bakers and the mysterious force they manipulate known as The Carbs, the Vegeta-rebel Alliance has established outposts across the galaxy. These Vegeta-rebel Outposts are disguised as donut shops, the last place an Imperial dark lord would ever go. The Imperial captain known as Darth Bacon has been leading battalions of steak-squads and breakfast droids through entire planets in an attempt to root out the grain-eating Vegeta-rebel scum. On the planet Poultry Six in the outskirts of the Flank Steak Nebula, Princess Soya pleads for help to the fugitive leader of the Bakers, Obi-wan Ke-no-beef.

PRINCESS SOYA
Help me, Obi-wan Ke-no-beef, you’re my only hope.

OBI-WAN
That’s a cute hologram toy you’ve got, but I’m sitting right here. Why don’t you just ask me in person?

PRINCESS SOYA
Sorry, force of habit. I’m so rarely in the same place as anyone I’m sending a distress message to. [clears throat] Help me Obi-wan Ke-No-Beef, you’re my only hope.

OBI-WAN
I have heard your cries for dietary peace and culinary justice in the galaxy. I must advise you yet again to trust in the carbs. It is only through complete avoidance of the ways of meat that we may truly know the carbs.

PRINCESS SOYA
But master, I hardly ever eat meat!

OBI-WAN
My child, the carbs know about that fish you ate two weeks ago.

PRINCESS SOYA
Whatever. It was locally caught, organic and fair-trade, but whatever. Tell me, Obi-Wan Ke-No-Beef, how can we win these Keto Wars?

OBI-WAN
I am the finest Baker in the land… My understanding of the Carbs makes my pastries the fluffiest and/or flakiest the galaxy has ever seen. But there will come another more powerful than even I.

PRINCESS SOYA
Like a chosen one?

OBI-WAN
I was going to say that! Damn kids… sometimes a little dramatic timing is okay. A chosen one who will harness the power of the Carbs like none before him. When his mother and father are struck down, victims of cholesterol, he shall rise to his true calling as a Baker. He will defeat Darth Bacon and topple the power of the Keto Emperor.

PRINCESS SOYA
Can you be more specific?

OBI-WAN
I feel like I was already pretty specific. It was a fairly straightforward prophecy. Standard unknowns, you know. We don’t know when he’s coming, but he will most definitely defeat Darth Bacon and the Keto Empire.

PRINCESS SOYA
That’s a relief. We could really use a chosen one. Throughout the Imperium, flour production is down 60 per cent… Think of the cupcakes Obi-Wan Ke-no-Beef! What will become of the cupcakes?

OBI-WAN
I know not child, but I can tell you this much, Princess. Even if all the bakeries in the galaxy are shut down and the bakers made fugitives of the Empire, the energy of the carbs will live on.

ENTER LUKE PIEWALKER

LUKE PIEWALKER
Help me Obi-Wan Ke-No-Beef! You’re my only hope!

OBI-WAN
Everyone keeps saying that. Buck up, children! You have plenty of hopes. Have a donut; you’ll feel better.

PRINCESS SOYA
It’s true. Master K-No-Beef makes the best donuts in the galaxy. Now who are you and what are you doing here?

LUKE PIEWALKER
I’m Luke Piewalker. I’ve just come from my home planet of Eggplant 7, where my parents were tragically killed by cholesterol poisoning under the new Imperial Dietary Restrictions.

OBI-WAN
You say your parents were tragically killed?

PRINCESS SOYA
Geez, Master Ke-No-Beef, show a little sympathy. The guy’s parents were just tragically killed.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Anyway, I can’t go back to my life as a humble pastry chef. I know now it is my duty to use the power of the carbs to fight against the Empire.

PRINCESS SOYA
How do you know that?

LUKE PIEWALKER
My dad told me right before he died. He was pretty short of breath, you know, from the clogged arteries and such, but he got this out: “Son, you are one of the chefs chosen to defeat Darth Bacon and the Keto Empire. Seek Obi-Wan Ke-No-Beef. With his help, you will use the power of the carbs to…”

PRINCESS SOYA
To what?

LUKE PIEWALKER
I don’t know. That’s when he passed. And you must be Obi-Wan Ke-No-Beef.

OBI-WAN
I am, and I knew your father, young Piewalker.

LUKE PIEWALKER
You’ve got to teach me! What can I do with the carbs. Can I shoot fireballs? Can I blow stuff up with my mind?

OBI-WAN
Yes, my child… All of that in time. For now I must teach you to do defend yourself with the ancient weapon of our people… the dough sabre.

LUKE PIEWALKER
What’s this? Some kind of joke? That just looks like a long flaccid tube of dough? How do you expect me to defend myself with that?

OBI-WAN
Do not be so quick to judge… You must use the power of the carbs to empower the dough, forming it into a deadly sabre… of dough.

LUKE PIEWALKER
If you’re going to the trouble of doing all that with dough, why don’t you use fire, or knives, or lasers. Why dough?

OBI-WAN
Who is the master and who is the student here?

LUKE PIEWALKER
Whoa, whoa. I never agreed to any kind of master-student thing here. I already consider myself a master pastry chef.

PRINCESS SOYA
Arrogant fool. Obi-Wan Ke-No-Beef is the greatest baker in the galaxy. His skills are far beyond those of the greatest pastry chef.

LUKE PIEWALKER
And who might you be?

PRINCESS SOYA
Gross. Are you hitting on me? I’m Princess Soya of the Vegeta-rebel Alliance!

LUKE PIEWALKER
Never heard of you. Anyway, what’s a princess like you doing in a rebellion like this?

PRINCESS SOYA
I should warn you… I have lots of siblings all over the galaxy who I don’t know, so I’m usually pretty reluctant with men, and aliens of male humanoid form.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Playing hard to get, eh? I’ll take my chances.

OBI-WAN
Enough! We must hurry with your training, for I fear you are the chosen one of prophecy.

LUKE PIEWALKER
If I’m the chosen one, no sweat! I’m here now!

OBI-WAN
What I fear, young Piewalker, is that you are too much of a sniveling little twerp to be able to do anything for the Vegeta-Rebel Alliance. Nevertheless, I shall do my best to try to show you the ways of the carbs before it is too late.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Alright, alright. I’ll give it a serious shot. I want to revenge my parents’ tragic deaths, after all.

OBI-WAN
You must not allow yourself to be motivated by hate, young Piewalker. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, suffering leads back to hate, then to anger again, then to annoyance for awhile, which isn’t so bad, then back to hate, then to sheer confusion for a time, and finally to depression, depression leads to laziness, and laziness leads to meat-eating.

LUKE PIEWALKER
That all sounds pretty bad. And tiring.

OBI-WAN
Yes, young Piewalker. You must not go down that path.

LUKE PIEWALKER
No need. I’m already lazy. So how do I use this dough sword thing?

OBI-WAN
It is a dough sabre! The ancient chosen weapon of our people.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Fine. How do I do the dough sabre thing?

OBI-WAN
First, we have to teach you how to focus your energy within, and to harness the power of the carbs.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Yeah, and how do I do that?

OBI-WAN
It may take several days to make the dough sabre more than limp. You must sit still and meditate on the energy of the carbs.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Lame.

OBI-WAN
We should eat a cake first. It will help.

LUKE PIEWALKER
Will the princess here be joining us for the cake?

PRINCESS SOYA
No! I’ll be at the lodge across the street. Good luck, Master Ke-No-Beef… You’re gonna need it.

EXIT PRINCESS SOYA

OBI-WAN
This is a business cake, not a pleasure cake. You probably won’t enjoy it.

LUKE PIEWALKER
How long do I have to wait for you to make it?

OBI-WAN
I’ve already made it, while you were looking away for a moment.

LUKE PIEWALKER
[astonished] Wow, how did you do that so fast? You must truly be the greatest baker in the galaxy.

OBI-WAN
Yes, I have many things to teach you of the ways of the carbs.

LUKE PIEWALKER
What!? There’s no icing on the cake!

OBI-WAN
I told you it’s a business cake, not a pleasure cake.