Have you been down to the Playhouse?
Carrie and are settling into our new home on MSPWaves, getting into the groove of providing you original entertainment every Saturday night!
Join us from 5-7 MST, Saturday nights on MSPWaves!
Tonight, we've got some brand new sketch comedy to perform for you, as long as we can get one or two good volunteers from our Discord studio audience!
Chuck Friggin' Norris
Seriously, this is a Chuck Norris themed sketched I wrote this afternoon. Hopefully we can perform it on tonight's Playhouse!
I Dream of Chucky
by Chris Roberts
Characters
NARRATOR
KEVIN
CHUCK NORRIS
NARRATOR
The time… Two days after Halloween, in the middle of the night. Kevin should be sleeping. In fact, he may actually be sleeping. The place… The inside of Kevin’s brain, as he attempts to get a little rest before work tomorrow...
KEVIN
I never should have eaten so much candy…
NARRATOR
Kevin was unsure whether he was talking out loud or simply thinking things.
KEVIN
But the Twizzlers! How could the little idiot ignore the Twizzlers?
NARRATOR
Little did Kevin know, modern children don’t general have a taste for licorice-style candies, such as Twizzlers or Redvines.
KEVIN
I thought for sure he would have eaten all of it by the second night, but no… the little bastard had to have will power. Who the hell raised that kid?
NARRATOR
It’s true, on the second night after Halloween, Kevin had not been able to help himself. He had savagely raided the cabinet which held the large bounty of Halloween candy from trick-or-treating with his eight year old son.
KEVIN
I just wanna get some sleep!
NARRATOR
Kevin was now realizing that the drug known as “candy” simply doesn’t work the same for adults as it does for children, and Kevin had done a little too much candy.
KEVIN
What’s that light? Am I dying?
NARRATOR
No, Kevin, you’re not dying. That’s just hallucinations from the candy. You’re mostly asleep, but just enough to see things, not enough to be rested in the morning.
KEVIN
Damn. What the hell is that light?
NARRATOR
Kevin watched as the light grew brighter in his mind’s eye. For a moment he thought it was a train coming toward him, but he was strangely unable to move out of its way.
KEVIN
I guess I’m about to die. Well, it’s been a good run.
CHUCK NORRIS
You’re not gonna die, son. If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead already.
KEVIN
Oh my god! Chuck Norris!
NARRATOR
That’s right, while executing a perfect wheelie on his golden unicycle, Chuck Norris floated into Kevin’s dream.
CHUCK NORRIS
That’s right, Kevin. I’m Chuck Norris!
KEVIN
How do you know my name?
CHUCK NORRIS
Funny story there. I actually only appear in the dreams of people named Kevin. Kind of a weird little quirk of fate, I guess.
KEVIN
Is it true that your tears cure cancer?
CHUCK NORRIS
Yes, Kevin, but before you go thinking you can collect a bunch of cancer-curing tears, you should know, I never cry. At least I haven’t yet.
KEVIN
Then how do they know your tears cure cancer?
CHUCK NORRIS
I think it’s more of an assumption- Look Kevin, I have put set aside time in my busy schedule…
KEVIN
You don’t really sound like Chuck Norris.
CHUCK NORRIS
It’s not my fault you don’t know what I sound like. We’re in your brain, after all. How many of my movies have you seen?
KEVIN
Including festival films?
CHUCK NORRIS
What?! Of course, including festival films!
KEVIN
None.
CHUCK NORRIS
I knew that, Kevin. I know everything. Any, what do you want to know. It was a busy day. I squeezed orange juice out of a lemon, and I discovered the last digit of pi, which I then divided by zero, inventing an entirely nw number.
KEVIN
What’s the new number?
CHUCK NORRIS
Your brain couldn’t possibly comprehend it, Kevin. I let the world know when I think it’s ready.
KEVIN
What’s the secret to a long and happy life, Chuck?
CHUCK NORRIS
Beats me. I heard I was supposed to have died four years ago, but the grim reaper never got up the courage to tell me.
KEVIN
What’s the answer to the rising prices of fossil fuels?
CHUCK NORRIS
Irrelevant. All my vehicles run on fear.
KEVIN
What time is it, Chuck? I have an important meeting in the morning.
CHUCK NORRIS
I don’t wear a watch. I decide what time it is.
KEVIN
That’s not helpful to me right now.
CHUCK NORRIS
C’mon, kid. Time is money. Money is power. Except not for me. Time skips straight to power. Time is power. So what else do you want to know?
KEVIN
I ate a bunch of my kid’s Halloween candy.
CHUCK NORRIS
Yeah, you’re not the first Halloween candy binge-eating Kevin I’ve visited this week.
KEVIN
What the hell made me want to eat a pound of Twizzlers, Chuck? I gotta know! I’m a friggin’ grownup.
CHUCK NORRIS
You know how they say strong people can eat nails, Kevin?
KEVIN
Yeah.
CHUCK NORRIS
Well I do all my grocery shopping at the Home Depot.
KEVIN
Alright, so what’s the equivalent of Chuck Norris getting sick and losing sleep after eating a bunch of candy?
CHUCK NORRIS
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe drinking a keg of dynamite acid before bed.
KEVIN
What the hell is dynamite acid?
CHUCK NORRIS
A wicked case of indigestion, but if you tell anybody I told you that, I’ll kill you.
KEVIN
What, you’ll hunt me down.
CHUCK NORRIS
I don’t go hunting, Kevin. I go killing.
KEVIN
You were riding a Unicycle before. Now you’re riding a lawnmower.
CHUCK NORRIS
It’s your dream, Kevin. I can be riding whatever weird vehicle you want. Anyway, I don’t have much time. My daughter just lost her virginity, and I have to go get it back.
KEVIN
Seriously, Chuck Norris. I ate a pound of candy last night. I drink a gallon of coffee most mornings. If I had a mason jar full of blow, I’d probably just get a lot done until my heart exploded.
CHUCK NORRIS
I know a guy.
KEVIN
I don’t want a mason jar full of blow chuck! I just want a little will power. Like my kid showed, when he carefully budgeted out his Halloween candy into a system which allowed him moderate cady intake each day for three whole weeks.
CHUCK NORRIS
Dude. Everyone eats their kids’ Halloween candy. Boo-freakin’ hoo, it’s a kid. It’ll get more candy. When do you get candy, Kevin?
KEVIN
What?
CHUCK NORRIS
When was the last time that you, Kevin, made a trip all alone to the Home Depot… I mean the grocery store, to stock up on your favorite candies? Just for you, Kevin.
KEVIN
Definitely not since before the kid.
CHUCK NORRIS
See what I mean, Kevin? Kids, they get all the candy, and they just spin it off and call it a day.
KEVIN
Those little bastards really do love to spin.
CHUCK NORRIS
You, on the other hand, when you eat the candy, it brings back all these awesome feelings, makes you feel like a kid again yourself.
KEVIN
Do you love candy too, Chuck Norris?
CHUCK NORRIS
Yes, but not in the weak, girly way. I love it like, the way Liam Neeson loves his daughter in Taken. If candy was in any danger, I would kill a lot of sons of bitches.
KEVIN
Fascinating
CHUCK NORRIS
Yep, that’s generally the way I love things. But not in the girly way, mind you.
KEVIN
So you’re saying I should buy my favorite candy?
CHUCK NORRIS
Raisinettes, Circus Peanuts, Lemonheads, Toblerone, Mounds, all those weird shits that I know you like.
KEVIN
How do you know that?
CHUCK NORRIS
You forget who you’re talking to, Kevin? I can kill two stones with one bird.
KEVIN
How does that go down.
CHUCK NORRIS
Granted, you have to accept that the stones were alive in the first place.
KEVIN
Probably best not to pick it apart.
CHUCK NORRIS
True, true. But yes, Kevin. Buy the candy that you like, and hide it in a special secret place. Not in your bedroom.
KEVIN
And what good will that do, Chuck Norris?
CHUCK NORRIS
Having the candy around, you’ll just have some when you want it, and you’ll be able to be an adult about it, maybe just sticking to the recommended serving size.
KEVIN
Nutrition advice from Chuck Norris. Maybe tonight hasn’t been wasted after all.
CHUCK NORRIS
Easy buddy. If I was giving nutrition advice, I probably wouldn’t tell you to eat candy. I’m just trying to help you avoid any future hallucinogenic candy binges.
KEVIN
Thank you, Chuck Norris! Leaving so soon?
CHUCK NORRIS
I must! I have to prove to the alien overlords that I really can make onions cry!
KEVIN
I guess I’ll be getting some rest now then.
CHUCK NORRIS
Not likely! You’ll probably be vomiting violently within the next few minutes. Now I’ll just ride my… walrus? C’mon, Kevin! You’ve got me riding a walrus?
KEVIN
You said it was my dream.
CHUCK NORRIS
You think I can’t kick people’s asses in their dreams?
KEVIN
Sorry sir. Here’s your jetpack.
CHUCK NORRIS
That’s more like it! Later, Kevin!
KEVIN
Goodbye, Chuck Norris! Thanks for everything!
NARRATOR
And as Chuck Norris flew off into the night on his magical jetpack, Kevin slowly came to the realization that he was still in bed. Not only had Chuck Norris not actually visited Kevin in his bedroom, but there was a horrible pain beginning to grow in Kevin’s gut where the pound of sugar he had consumed earlier sat and waited like a pile of explosives near a growing puddle of nitro glycerin. He slowly got out of bed and made his way down the hall toward the bathroom by the dim glow of the nite light. Quickly peeking in to his son’s room, he saw that the child was sleeping peacefully. Kevin was relatively sure that his son had never even heard a Chuck Norris joke, so his sleep must be peaceful indeed. Kevin envied the boy. If we can’t learn something ourselves, at least maybe our children will get the idea.
END OF SKETCH