Here are those crazy cat ladies, coming at you again for episode eight...

GROCERY STORE!

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On to the Script!

THE CAT LADIES - Episode 8 - "Grocery Store"

by Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Several speeches throughout.
DORIS - The sensible one. Has a computer.
ETHEL - Gritty and full of down-home wisdom.
AGNES - Kind of losing touch with reality.
DRIVER - Young female Uber driver. Freaked out by old people, probably.

SOUND FX - CAT LADIES SONG

NARRATOR
Early on a Saturday morning, the heads of the three cat ladies can be seen in a horizontal line, peering out at the street through Doris’s front porch window. Clearly they are waiting for something. Through the grimy panes of glass, they look like three spectres haunting the living room of the rickety old house. They have already startled three joggers and a paperboy; the cat ladies have been up for awhile. I wonder what they’re up to…

AGNES
I love grocery shopping.

ETHEL
That makes one of us, Agnes. By the way, is that cat litter in your hair?

AGNES
I never have been able to see the back of my own head.

DORIS
Ohh, it looks like kitty litter to me, Agnes.

ETHEL
Brush it off! I’m not even gonna ask how or why you got litter in your hair.

AGNES
That’s actually a cute story. I’m glad you asked.

ETHEL
I didn’t ask, Agnes. So what the hell are we waiting for again, Doris?

DORIS
I’ve already said. We’re waiting for our chauffeur.

AGNES
Since when do we have a chauffeur?

ETHEL
Since she got herself into the 21st century with that fancy new computer.

AGNES
The internet computer?

ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! Every computer is an internet computer.

DORIS
Girls, girls. It’s a bit too early for shouting.

AGNES
Limo or towncar?

DORIS
It’s called an Uber.

ETHEL
I’ve heard of those. They’re like taxis. I don’t want to take a damn taxi. Why don’t we just take your Buick. I’ll even drive if you want.

DORIS
Of course you can’t drive, Ethel. Don’t you remember the last time? One of the main conditions of your release was that I don’t ever let you drive my car again.

AGNES
We took down twelve parking meters!

ETHEL
We sure did, Agnes, and it was glorious. Alright, alright. So what makes this Uber thing so much better than a regular taxi?

DORIS
Anyone can be a driver! They just use their own car.

ETHEL
So who decides which drivers to hire?

DORIS
Nobody. You just sign up and start driving.

ETHEL
You’re telling me that this company called Uber convinced people to use their own cars as taxis to drive each other places for money, the company takes the money, and gives a little of it back to the drivers as pay?

DORIS
Yep. That sounds about right.

ETHEL
They must be the smartest company that ever existed. They didn’t have to buy anything.

AGNES
Girls! A Honda just pulled into the driveway!

ETHEL
Figured it’d be a damn Japanese.

AGNES
No, I can’t see the driver. How do you know he’s Japanese?

ETHEL
The car, Agnes! The car is Japanese! We got no idea about the driver. Could be any damn type of idiot.

NARRATOR
After finishing the removal of various litter box components from Agnes’s hair, the cat ladies make their way out the front door, down the porch and into the mysterious Uber Civic that awaits. The first few minutes of the ride are awkwardly silent, and the young lady driving the car seems a little uptight. Finally, Agnes breaks a long silence.

AGNES
What’s that smell?

DORIS
Come now, Agnes. Be polite. Other people’s cars always smell different than what you’re used to.

AGNES
I’m gonna look for the smell.

DRIVER
No need to crawl around on the floor, ladies. There’s not that much room back there.

AGNES
I’m finding the smell!

DRIVER
I keep a really clean car, especially since I started driving people around.

ETHEL
What the hell are you doing down there, Agnes?

AGNES
I’m close! The smell’s getting stronger.

DRIVER
We’re almost to the grocery store, ladies. Just remain calm.

DORIS
[to ETHEL] Do you think Agnes brought the smell into the car?

ETHEL
[to DORIS] Ten to one.

AGNES
Ah-ha! Chocolate malt!

DRIVER
Holy crap. You really did find something back there.

ETHEL
It appears, madame, that one of your distinguished clients was enjoying a chocolate malt in the back seat…

AGNES
It seems to be several days old. Here, smell!

ETHEL and DORIS
No!!

DRIVER
Sorry about that ladies. I’ll clean it up again one of these days. What are ya gonna do? It’s just Uber. Here we are at the store!

NARRATOR
Several hours later, the cat ladies are still grocery shopping. They walk side by side, each with their own cart, paying no attention to the other shoppers attempting to get around them. Like carrion birds to a fresh kill, the fall upon the produce section.

ETHEL
What the hell is kale?

DORIS
Oh, kale is wonderful. It’s like lettuce, spinach and parsley had a baby, with superpowers.

ETHEL
It looks dry.

DORIS
Yes, it’s quite horrible to eat. But they say it’s good for you.

AGNES
They have a salad bar!

ETHEL
Agnes, you’re banned from the salad bar. They said fifteen feet.

DORIS
That’s right, Agnes. Thirty people got sick because of you. Don’t go near the salad bar.

AGNES
I’ll just browse the free samples.

ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! The grapes aren’t free samples.

AGNES
But they’re just sitting there.

DORIS
We’d better wrap this up soon, Ethel. Agnes has started shoplifting.

NARRATOR
It’s time for the cat ladies to check out at the grocery store. For a change, they decide to utilize the automatic self-service checkout robot thingie, instead of a cashier. The supermarket employees are horrified as the three cat ladies crowd the automatic checkout lanes.

AGNES
Oh, what fun! It’s talking to me!

ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! Don’t just push buttons on the thing. We gotta scan the items one at a time.

DORIS
I’ve never used one of these robots before.

AGNES
When I was a kid, we didn’t have robots.

ETHEL
Agnes, everybody knows that robots are a new thing. Hell, When my granddaughter was a kid they didn’t have robots.

DORIS
Place items here.

ETHEL
Where do I stick my coupons?

DORIS
I don’t know. There are a lot of slots. Just look for one that says “Coupons Here” or something.

ETHEL
I don’t see anything like that.

AGNES
Beep boop. Take me to your leader.

ETHEL
Take me to your leader is aliens, Agnes. Not robots.

AGNES
Oh, sorry. Don’t eat my brains.

DORIS
Now you’re thinking of zombies.

AGNES
What do robots say?

ETHEL
Death to humans. Agnes, maybe you had better start writing your check now. It’s still gonna be a few minutes until we’re done with this nonsense.

AGNES
But I can’t write the check yet. I don’t know the total.

DORIS
It seems this thing is confused by my bananas. Human cashiers never get confused by bananas.

SOUND FX - BEEPING AND ALARM

ETHEL
Ahhh! You’ve triggered its self-destruct! Run, girls!

NARRATOR
The cat ladies attempt to run away, but are quickly stopped by a frightened young bag boy. Braving the cat stench that surrounds the three ladies, the young lad guides them back to the robot checkout, and for the next twenty minutes, proceeds to ring up all their groceries for them while they regale him with stories of the times before robots ruled the world. Finally, the cat ladies are finished with their grocery shopping! Now if they can only find their next Uber ride in this sea of cars and shopping carts… Hopefully Doris ordered an SUV, or at least a minivan. With what mundane activity will the cat ladies busy themselves with next time? You’ll have to tune in to find out!