It's time for some Friday night steemy sketch comedy with The Playhouse!
It's the best thing you can do on Friday night (unless you have plans). Every Friday, from 6-8 EST, @CarrieAllen, @ChrisRoberts, @EngineWitty and friends have a blast with The Playhouse, the only original Steem sketch comedy show! We'll be streaming live from https://www.vimm.tv/@carrieallen
We do cold readings of all-original material. I'm usually able to get two or three new sketches written each week, but we would LOVE to have some more listener-submitted hilarity. Come play with us, Danny!
This week, I'm happy to bring you episode 10 of The Cat Ladies! These old ladies are busy. If you're not familiar with the adventures of the Cat Ladies, just scroll back through my blog. The most hilarious thing about the Cat Ladies: They are always voiced by men. Although it may be humorous to read, listening to these things live is laugh-out-loud uproarious.
If you want your own sexy voice to be part of the performance, join us in the SteemStar Discord server by clicking THIS LINK
On To the Script!
The Cat Ladies - Episode 10 - “Black Friday”
By Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
DORIS - Has some money to burn
ETHEL - Has a complicated past
AGNES - Has to go to the bathroom
NARRATOR
On a frigid November morning, before the sun has come up, a lot of crazy fools have left the comfort of their warms beds to face riotous crowds at the shopping centers. What started not so many years ago as the perfect time for families to do their holiday shopping together after Thanksgiving, has evolved into something far more sinister… Welcome to Black Friday.
AGNES
Why did we have to get here so early, Doris?
DORIS
I told you, Agnes. If we’re not close to the front of the line, all the good televisions will be gone.
ETHEL
I don’t know how I let you talk me into this, Doris.
DORIS
Ethel, you’re going to love the experience.
ETHEL
The hell I am!
AGNES
How many televisions are you hoping to get, Doris?
DORIS
I’ve got six on my list.
ETHEL
What the hell? Six televisions? Are you buying one for everyone in your family?
DORIS
Not everyone. Just Carol, Barnaby, Lois and the kids, one for my nephew, Clarence. I know there’s a couple more…
ETHEL
But why televisions?
DORIS
Did you see how cheap they were in the newspaper? That’s why we’re here at Best Buy.
AGNES
I want a TV!
ETHEL
It’s true, Doris. If you’re buying TVs for everyone, Agnes is still working with four channels and rabbit ears.
DORIS
Fine, Agnes. I’ll get you one too. I think there’s a further discount if you buy seven anyway.
ETHEL
Are you sure Best Buy is the right place to buy your seven TVs?
DORIS
I should hope so. What kind of liars would they be if it wasn’t actually the best buy?
AGNES
Woo-hoo! I’m getting a television!
DORIS
It’s going to take some teamwork. We’ll have to each get a cart and go straight for the televisions. We should each be able to get two in our cart. I’ll try to get three.
ETHEL
It looks like we’ll have to fight off some hipsters.
DORIS
I don’t doubt it, Ethel.
AGNES
I have to go to the bathroom!
ETHEL
Dammit, Agnes! We’re standing in a parking lot. The store doesn’t open for awhile still.
DORIS
You’re gonna have to hold it, Agnes.
AGNES
No!!
ETHEL
If they knew all these idiots were going to be out here standing in line all night, why didn’t they put up some porta-potties or something?
DORIS
I don’t make the rules, Ethel.
AGNES
Who does make the rules? I bet they’re in an office somewhere with an adjoining bathroom. I’m gonna find ‘em.
ETHEL
Oh boy, there she goes…
DORIS
She’ll be fine. Probably just find her way to the Starbucks across the parking lot.
ETHEL
Then she’ll be their problem. So Doris, did you bring a billy club?
DORIS
Heavens no! Did you?
ETHEL
Of course! This Black Friday nonsense has been getting more dangerous every year. I’ve got my collapsable titanium baton right here.
DORIS
Oh my, Ethel! That looks dangerous.
ETHEL
Of course it’s dangerous, Doris! Smack somebody in the knee with one of these bad boys and they won’t be getting up for a few minutes.
DORIS
Is that really necessary?
ETHEL
You bet! I’ve heard of people getting shived, trampled, shot, mauled, you name it at these things. Yep. We’re in the belly of the beast. We’re old. We’ve got to level the playing field somehow.
DORIS
I stand corrected.
ETHEL
I brought an extra one for you, Doris. If there’s trouble, you just flip it out like this…
Hiiiyaah!!
DORIS
Oh my! Well, hopefully I don’t have to use that.
ETHEL
It’s more satisfying than you might think.
AGNES
Alright, this line never ends!
DORIS
Agnes, you’re back. Did you find a bathroom?
AGNES
What the? Wait-- I must have got turned around. How did I end up back here?
ETHEL
You better not wander off again Agnes. Did you find a bathroom?
AGNES
I don’t have to go to the bathroom.
DORIS
But you did, just five minutes ago.
AGNES
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ETHEL
Leave it, Doris. She doesn’t have to go to the bathroom. That’s probably all we would like to know.
DORIS
True. You know, this is an awfully big to-do just for some good bargains.
ETHEL
You just now figuring that out?
DORIS
Oh, I knew it would be an adventure, but I just couldn’t argue with those television prices.
AGNES
I’m getting a television!
ETHEL
You know there’s internet deals everywhere, right?
DORIS
Absolutely. I’ve done my homework. Cyber Monday is when I’ll buy the phones and tablets.
AGNES
You need tablets? I’ve got tablets! I’ve got pills, I’ve got inhalers, I’ve got suppositories…
ETHEL
Dammit Agnes! Put your drugs away, she’s talking about the electronic kind of tablets. You know, the big screen things?
DORIS
They’re practically giving them away online. Phones too. Phones and tablets for everyone!
ETHEL
Buying fancy electronics for everyone? Where’d you get all that money, Doris?
DORIS
I’ve been meaning to tell you ladies for awhile now, but…
AGNES
She’s a bookie! I knew it! What’s your poison? Cards, ponies, cock fights? What?
ETHEL
Calm down you old loon! What is it, Doris? Why are you rolling in the dough?
DORIS
Well, funny story. I never stopped getting checks for my Melvin, God rest his soul.
ETHEL
You mean social security?
AGNES
Scamming the government eh? Good for you, Doris!
DORIS
I know he passed nearly five years ago, but honest to God, those checks just never stopped coming.
ETHEL
You’re not too old to go to prison, you know.
DORIS
C’mon, Ethel. I didn’t do anything except cash the checks.
ETHEL
I mean, if social security fraud is working for you, glad to hear it. I been down that road… Same story, different ending. Did I ever tell you girls about the time I did in Guantanamo Bay?
AGNES
Yep! That’s where you got that scar on your face!
ETHEL
Good memory, Agnes. I saw some horrible things.
DORIS
I don’t remember that story.
ETHEL
I’ll tell you all about someday, Doris. For now, let’s go take down some hipsters and fight for those TVs. The line is starting to move.
DORIS
Alright, girls! Stay together, no matter what! The last thing we want is to get separated in there.
AGNES
The line is moving really fast now!
ETHEL
Try to keep up, Agnes! This is it!
DORIS
I read a really helpful article the other day… It said we should just sort of go limp and let the current of people carry us into the store and back to the televisions!
ETHEL
That doesn’t seem like good advice… Dammit Agnes!
DORIS
What happened?
ETHEL
Agnes took your stupid advice literally and just fell onto the ground.
DORIS
We can’t go back! The current is too strong!
ETHEL
Every man for himself!
DORIS
Here we go!
NARRATOR
As the swell of bundled-up humans flood through the newly opened doors of the Best Buy, Doris and Ethel are separated in the confusion. Agnes is nowhere to be seen, but it presumed that she decided to take a nap on the sidewalk. When finally they are reunited at the televisions over a pile of debris, Ethel and Doris realize they are far too late for the TVs they came for. A nice young man in the car stereo department helps Ethel pimp up the system in her minivan as a nice consolation prize. She may have gotten a little carried away on the subwoofers, but hey, old ladies suck at hearing. After leaving the store, they have to go down to the county lock-up and bail Agnes out. Apparently she’s been arrested for public urination, maybe more. Doris covers the bail-out. Isn’t shopping swell? See you next time on The Cat Ladies!
THE END