Those crazy cat ladies are back!
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Here's the highly anticipated and greatly overhyped episode five of The Cat Ladies! Look out! The Cat Ladies are going to the dog park!
The Cat Ladies - Episode 5 - "The Dog Park"
by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
ETHEL
DORIS
AGNES
NARRATOR
The cat ladies are extra fired up this morning, after sufficiently breaking in Ethel’s new Keurig-style coffee maker… Keurig! Providing single sips of mediocre coffee at maximum cost and waste to you, the American coffee drinker. After killing a whole case of K-Cups between the three of them, they decided to go for a walk. You’ll never guess where they’re headed…
DORIS
C’mon ladies! Did you forget how to walk?
AGNES
My quads hurt from our last mall walk.
ETHEL
Geez, Agnes. That was almost a week ago. And how do you even know what quads are?
AGNES
I know things. I know lots of science, for example.
DORIS
Oh yeah, Agnes? Are you a scientist this week?
AGNES
Yep. It’s called biology. Anyway, slow the heck down Doris. I’m getting a charlie cat here.
ETHEL
It’s charlie horse, you idiot.
AGNES
Horses can kiss my ass and you can just shut up.
DORIS
Easy ladies, it’s still early. Those K-Cups got us all riled up.
ETHEL
I tried it. I hate it. I’m going back to my instant coffee.
AGNES
But you’ve got to admit, it’s pretty convenient. I like how each little cup is a cup.
DORIS
I just don’t get it. If each cup is a cup, why don’t they just make each cup a pot? It’s like it just goes from the little cup into a slightly bigger one.
ETHEL
Then you throw the first container away.
DORIS
And you still have to wash the cup you drink from! Where’s the damn convenience?
AGNES
If convenience is what you’re after, just go down to the coffee shop and that nice young man with all the metal in his face will get you whatever you need. But it’ll cost you…
ETHEL
So either of you want the coffee maker, ar should I give it to the Good Will?
DORIS
I don’t want it.
AGNES
Good Will.
ETHEL
How your quads holding up, Agnes?
AGNES
Shut up, Ethel! Where are you taking us again, Doris?
DORIS
We’re almost there. We’re going to the dog park.
ETHEL
Here we go…
AGNES
(hearing incorrectly) You say you’re in deep with a loan shark? Oh no, that’s terrible! How much do you need? We’ll rob a bank if we have to.
DORIS
No, no, Agnes! I said we’re going to the dark park.
AGNES
That’s right, Doris. Dogs bark, cats meow, pigs oink. Science again.
ETHEL
I think you heard her that time, Agnes.
AGNES
So what if I did? Why are we going to the dog park?
DORIS
I love the dog park. It’s one of my favorite places to walk to.
ETHEL
I like dogs alright.
AGNES
Why do dogs get a park? Cats don’t get parks. For dogs, the whole world is their park. They pee on whatever they want, they eat whatever they find…
DORIS
I think you’re confusing parks with restaurants and bathrooms, Agnes.
AGNES
Oh yeah. Ugh. I can already hear the dogs.
DORIS
Yep. The dog park is just over that hill.
ETHEL
I’ll bet they can already smell us, Agnes. How do you feel about that.
AGNES
Indifferent. Wait up, girls. I need a smoke.
DORIS
What?! Agnes! You quit smoking fifteen years ago!
ETHEL
Holy crap, is that one of those vape pens?
AGNES
Sure is! Gives me a helluva buzz!
DORIS
Don’t those things blow up in your mouth?
AGNES
Only sometimes. But it’s totally healthy.
ETHEL
I somehow doubt that.
DORIS
Geez, Agnes! You’re really going to town on that thing. Careful, that’s straight nicotine.
AGNES
That’s the great thing about it. I can hit it as much as I want and it never makes me puke like cigarillos used to.
DORIS
Gross. There’s the dog park. Are you sufficiently juiced, Agnes.
AGNES
I believe so. Is it true they can smell fear?
ETHEL
Absolutely. Dogs have senses and perceptions that we humans couldn’t begin to understand.
DORIS
That’s right, Ethel. That’s why I would never want to live with a dog, although I do enjoy watching them play at the dog park.
AGNES
What if they smell the cats on me?
ETHEL
Agnes, everyone in your twenty foot radius can smell the cats. But what’s your concern?
AGNES
Well, dogs chase cats, so what if they decide to savage me?
ETHEL
What the hell did you just say?
AGNES
You know, savage me.
DORIS
I don’t think that word is usually used as a verb.
AGNES
Don’t you try to tell me what word is used as what! I’ve been alive for eighty… something years, and I’ve been talking for at least seventy.
DORIS
Alright, after you ladies.
AGNES
We have to go into the fence with ‘em? Oh boy.
ETHEL
Here we go, Agnes. Into the dogs. I hope you don’t get savaged.
AGNES
I’ll be fine. I’ve got some weapons-grade mace in my bag.
NARRATOR
The Cat Ladies proceeded to enjoy a lovely time in the dog park. Other visitors to the park gave them a wide birth, as strangers in public always tend to do. Even the dogs were repelled by the confusing aroma of cat surrounding these old ladies. Doris, Ethel and Agnes were able to do what they do best: Watch from a distance and comment among themselves. You never know what kind of mundane adventures will befall the Cat Ladies! Join us next time!
THE END
