Rhythmical Essays on the Beard Question, by William Carter, first published in 1808, reads, in small part, as follows:
Visibly seen in the long bearded mass,
As a whole, a grim looking, cadaverous class;
Wherever you meet them, they look sickly and pale,
As they cannot with freedom the fresh air inhale.
From the returning breath all that's vital is fled-
Still the beard keeps this poison, this terrible dread,
Which in festoons of death on the lips and mouth stay,
And but for the beard would be exhaled away.
Intercepted again, it returns with the breath,
Inducing disease and premature death;
Though infinitesimal the dose 'tis active as fire,
Beneath its miasma all health will expire.
Cleverness to delight the ear of even the most bewhiskered among us.
It continues some time later:
When taste is the guide and reason the rule,
Man cannot remain in this long bearded school;
His time he will neither waste nor destroy,
In twisting and curling this animal toy.
The vulgar, the dirty, the vicious, the mean,
With long beards now are everywhere seen;
No one can mistake the sign of the base-
A long beard drabbling all over the face.
Whew, that's high level destain for the facially fuzzy.
I shall endeavour to exceed his tragically low expectations for those of a furred visiage.
Thanks to the blog of Dr Alun Withey for bringing this delightful book to my attention.