I want to provide a trigger warning for this post. This poem is about the dark side of my depression. I don't have a mental breakdown often but when I do, this is what it feels like for me.
It takes a lot to bury the hurt and lies
Down deep so I can have a smile and dry eyes
Friends and family enjoy it when I am ‘me’
Not knowing the energy it takes so I can be
Day after day, I slowly grow weak
As I do, the pain finds a leak
Deteriorating my strength into a gigantic hole
As it grows, the pain slowly fills my soul
The breakdown begins rushing like a flood
The poison starts to overtake my blood
Chaos swirls internally like a top
So drained that I can’t make it stop
Overwhelmed, I collapse and begin to cry
Hopelessness repeats endlessly “Just die”
Only solution that sounds good is a knife
My heart begs me to keep fighting for my life
Holding it gives me such a sense of relief
Internal war ensues as it’s against my belief
Just one cut so I can set this poison free
I CAN’T!!! My family needs me
I get up and move myself to a safe place
As the tears continue rolling off my face
Minutes later, I take a very deep breath
To refocus my mind away from death
Start to feel my willpower increase
As the internal misery slowly cease
Picking up the pieces where they lay
Asking “What was the trigger today?”
The answer is not always the same
I have reached the end of today’s game
Buried once again using all energy possible
Till the day it returns and make me miserable