In years past I gave very little thought to the ego I now know has been in control of my life. I have never hesitated to point my finger at another that I was certain lived in an egoic state but rarely, if ever, considered my own egoic state of living. I can now admit that I perceived myself as humble only with the support of an ego that allowed me to deny the truth. So what is that "truth" I have recently discovered? Ego cares not for bash or blame, credit or disdain, conquest or acclaim, ego only wants more of the same, that which keeps me at its mercy. As its burden grows, this deceptive force knows, to live on, there must be acceptance and adversity. Ego bends and twists, will compromise and conflict, and revel at the hosts every offering, and slyly live on, unobserved, yet respond, with its deception and cunning.
Ego is not the spirit's friend, ego survives, even grows, at the expense of peace and harmony in all who are not aware of its true purpose. That purpose is to maintain control of the host's life experiences and ego will survive only as long as it is permitted to survive. Only through awareness can the ego be tamed and put in its proper place as the servant rather than the king. Until this discovery is made, all who attempt to ignore or deny the true purpose of ego will be its subject, nothing more.
The following is one of my earliest attempts to discover the source of much of my life's discomforts. I could not understand what was happening during this infant stage of awakening in 2002 but I knew something was amiss. These were not fun times.
Naked Living
Sitting in these rooms I call home
Drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming
About the things I have to give
About the way I really live
Drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming
About feeling like a fake
My unwillingness to take
Advice I have to give
About the way I really live
Drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming
Can't seem to hear the things I have to say
This tortured ego keep getting in the way
Keeps me from understanding
The things I have to say
While drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming
In this single moment of truth
To the next of the lie
Thinking about the things I have to give
About the way I really live
Drifting in and out of conscious thinking
Drifting in and out of sleep and dreaming
About the way I really live
Admittedly this piece lacks proper form and follow through. I was of a mind during this point in time that half a thought was better than no thought or that any effort was superior to giving up. It can be a very long road from darkness to light, I am pretty sure I have traveled far enough along this path that I can see a flicker of light up ahead. One thing I am certain of is that whatever it is I think I see is not created by my cunning ego. Best.