finding the rhythm

i sit on my bed on this fine dawn,
my favorite hours of the day,
where my mind is clear and inquisitive;
and my soul is quiet and pensive.
blowing smoke rings out of my last pack of marlboro,
pondering mindlessly on what is this impervious block that's stopping me...

i'm trying so hard to find the key to my heart.
it seems to have been confused for a long time now.
the inability to form functional romantic relationships, or any kind of relationship,
for that matter... but why, oh why?
contradiction and irony take reign; it's like the fifth reich.
dictating my emotions and thinking;
suppressing my basic instinct.

i put on this sunny disposition, "happy go lucky" clown suit;
buying into the optimism and the shameless superficiality.
it's not that i haven't been true to myself.
this is the real me.
but it's only part of the real me.
it's enough that i have to deal with the dark side,
why should i drag others there too, isn't that true?
i suppose you could say i'm reserving my reserved side,
only for myself and no one else.
i'm unwilling to let people into that world.
because it's not a pretty world.

endless disappointments, crushed hopes,
under attacks of others; often without a reason.
it's like the shock cushion -
this world absorbs all the negative encounters,
and is kept under a tight lid, so no one could enter it.
but maybe now is the time to revisit it.
i need to face my fears.
i need to understand that in order to be happy,
one must also understand despair.
it's funny how sometimes i even forget about this world.
not really living fully - do i put on a good show?
i could have you convinced perhaps, but not myself.
i never really put 100% of me into anything.
because if i lose all of it into this one bet, i'm gone.

maybe i'm not ready for the truth.
but that doesn't mean i will settle for ignorance.
i would rather suffer, knowing the truth;
than live in a state of false bliss.
but i'm just so afraid to reveal the truth.
the truth is - i'm afraid of being known.
everyone leaves once they know.
the mystery no longer exists.
i don't want to be abandoned.
i don't want to be hurt.
but will anyone appreciate my little idiosyncrasies?

after this frivolous summer, believing that perhaps It really doesn't exist.
It is just a word that we make up, so we could explain our irrational behaviors.
yes, they were good times, and they were probably the closest thing to It.
but now, i want to find peace within myself.
my actions could be justified, because i'm brilliant enough to twist them around.
everything is malleable; it just depends on how skilled you are at manipulating it.
but of course, only you know the truth.
let me whisper my truth to you -
i'm sick of this meaningless fooling around.
it wasn't wired for this purpose.

i'm going to find the natural rhythm and wave,
this beautiful and harmonious thing.
because it is all that we've got.
and i'm going to be brave,
and give it a shot.
because love is worth it.

and to all of you out there who don't believe it,
you're definitely missing out.

i don't remember when was the last time i confronted myself.
the sun is rising, and i feel like running.
i feel like running to the edge of the world,
and scream until every single glass is broken in this world.
i want to reach out for this strip of light,
hold it and let it guide me.
i want my past to stay where it is.
without causing any disturbances to my present life.

my mind craves for an escape now.
there's enough depth for 48 minutes.
and now i need sleep.