Hello there! Thought i'd take a moment to drop by and provide some feedback on this piece.

It's definitely and interesting poem. The choppy nature lends itself to a brisk reading. While I see that you based this poem off of the image, I feel as though there's something missing. I understand that poetry is the art of being concise, but I'm afraid that it's too concise.

I'd like to see this expanded. You've already defined the characters rather well. It'd be interesting if you turned this into a clearer narrative and fleshed out the story behind your poem. That way readers could connect the dots.