O! Great Spider to whom I am enslaved!
Catch the noise of the thoughts plaguing me in your great web before they are heard
Spin your webs within my mind where I have granted you residency
Knot the silk traps tightly and devour the darkness within the recesses of my subconscious
Fill your belly and grow in size and stature as you feast on the festering echoes of pain/confusion/anger/violence; memories of murder and blood spilled on the carpet that emanated stale cigarette smoke where I used to sit crisscross-applesauce while watching morning cartoons
Chew on my earliest understandings of adult love, adult life, adult relationships, adult conflict, adult anger, adult death, adult hatred; ideas fed to my freshly forming kindergarten brain, starving for knowledge of all things, fresh from the womb
Rid me of the memories of the murderer and his passion for my grandmother:
Passion that brought him to her
Passion that made him ask strange questions
Passion that made him raise his voice
Passion that made him leave
Passion that made him return
Passion that he was unable to bear
Passion that told him it was not over when she was tired of his fragile mind, full of lessons yet to be learned, having only lived half of the years as she
Passion that brought him to call to wish her a happy belated birthday
Passion that filled him with a generous spirit, begging to bring a surprise gift for her anniversary of birth
Passion that startled the elderly neighbor and inspiring her pick up her landline telephone to call police and then my father as the murderer pounded on the door at the top of the staircase with rifle in hand,
Passion that pulled the trigger
Passion that filled her barren stomach with lead
Passion that turned the stale cigarette ash filled carpet red with blood
Passion that caused the murderer to lock himself in the apartment and hide from the sirens outside the window as my father shook with rage and grief and adrenaline and tears as he waited in the court below, pistol hidden under the seat, his mother bleeding to death in the building in front of him, an armed man threatening the police to remain off the stairs, police forcing my father to wait behind them as they conducted official police business, vibrating in a compliant rampage unarmed as she bled and the policemen waited
Passion that placed the rifle to his lips as a final kiss goodbye
Passion that spilled his brains on the carpet where I would sleep in my pajamas
O! Great Spider,
Swallow all passions of mine and leave nothing behind to feel
Let me live numb to the experiences of my soul
Fill me with apathy
Dull my senses to stimuli
Lock me in purgatory, O Great Spider, and I will feed you forever