Deactivated my facebook again in the interest of preserving my mental health.
Kavanaugh is dominating my news feed and I'm having rapid-fire panic attacks because he's going to get away with it.
It's reminding me of my own experience with a surprise assault that I endured at the hands of a well known and respected professor in college who out of nowhere and with no warning, grabbed a handful of my hair and tried to kiss me with such force that his teeth split my top lip wide open. I got loose and ran out, thank god, but not before he terrified me and spilled my blood.
This man was a brilliant professor and very active and respected in the community, and I trusted and looked up to him.
I was scared to tell anyone because I blamed myself for being alone with him. Then I decided Fuck. That. This man forced me to "kiss" him violently and against my will and in the process scared me to death and spilled my blood.
I told a female faculty member thinking she would be shocked and compassionate, but turns out that this was usual behavior from him, and I was advised not to make a fuss over some "horsing around" (I still had the knarly, jagged scab on my lip) But this woman justified and defended him, and dismissed me with a reminder that he certainly meant no harm.
Problem was, I had just won a pretty prestigious scholarship for one of my poems, and the man who decided to force himself on me had previously promised publication of several of my poems in an anthology that he was editing and that would be used in several classes in the English Department.
When I ran out leaving him displeased and obviously unsatisfied he curiously changed his mind about publishing me at all.
The very next night he had the absolute gall to come to my work where I tended bar.
He was irritable and frustrated because I was visibly upset and he could not understand for the life of him why.
I avoided his eyes, ignored his comments about having nothing to be afraid of, and endured his faux shock and concern for me until he left.
I dropped his class immediately.
Then I began receiving handwritten letters complete with dried flowers and excuses that he thought justified his behavior.
"I was only trying to show you the light", and "I couldn't help it. You stir me mightily. It's no use to fight the way things are."
This man was a brilliant poet, a pillar of the community, and the absolute center of the poetry scene in my town. I admired him. I respected him. And I trusted him.
When he didn't get responses from his (many) letters, he began parking in front of my apartment complex and yelling my name.
I finally had some bikers from my bar handle that situation.
Listen. I know it could have been much worse. But that's not the point.
This man was an authority figure, well respected, well known, and very successful. He was also happily married.
And he truly could not comprehend that he'd done anything wrong.
He blamed ME for appearing afraid of him when he took it a step further and tried to intimidate me at my job.
The point is this:
He lured me to an empty room and promised me publication which I took very seriously and was very grateful for.
Then he tried to take something HE wanted in return for his offer.
When things didn't go as he had planned and I was able to escape with only a busted lip, he withdrew the offer to publish.
I was young, I was naive, but I had just won a very renowned poetry scholarship and been offered publication by a very successful and beloved poet.
He was the absolute center of the poetry scene on campus and also in town. And because he felt entitled to me, he just went ahead and forced a "kiss" on me, with a handful of my hair, without any warning whatsoever, splitting my lip wide open and spilling my blood.
He was violent, he was not remorseful, he tried to convince me that he was just trying to help me.
He scared me, he shocked me, he withdrew his offer to publish me, and he made it impossible for me to be an active participant in the thriving poetry community on campus as well as in town.
He ran the show.
I rejected him.
I got away before he was finished "showing me the light" and because this pillar of the community, this brilliant poet and entitled man did not get what he wanted from me (and clearly felt he deserved) He broke his word, refused to publish me, and because he was the star of the whole poetry show, I was uncomfortable being a part of a poetry scene whose ringleader had become my stalker.
I had quick success and a promising future at Kent State University as a poet.
After this incident I was so shocked, wounded, and mortified, that I did not write a word for over 5 years and did not submit any work publicly until over 20 years later, at which time 15 of my poems were published.
The professor who attempted to assault me died a few months back.
I am hoping that now that he is gone I can rejoin the poetry scene in my town and perhaps volunteer on campus with the program that awarded my scholarship all those years ago.
I actually considered selling his many creepy letters blaming me while also stalking me but have kept them private out of respect for his widow.
I am sorry to dump this here. It happened in 1999, so long ago, but I was an outcast in the poetry scene all these years until this very adored and revered man who was the center of it all passed away.
I want to participate. Kent, Ohio has a thriving poetry community but I am still wary because of what happened to me.
Thanks for allowing me to get that out. It's been a long time coming.