Despair Fatigue
I've been scratching down complaints in a notepad about conservative politics and culture for nearly over half a year intending to write a post - despite the fact this scratch pad is at near novella length of complaining, it seems time to boil it down it down to get it out in perhaps imperfect form. Just as I finished this up of course this scotus shit came to light- given that this is ultimately intended as a calm assessment I find myself feeling this is hardly a good moment- then again it is a post ultimately about not doing nothing- so let's hit print, perhaps it is a right moment after all.
Obviously there is no shortage of talking points about conservatives to go around - but perhaps as a view by a disgruntled cultural participant is of interest to folks who do think about it.
First, I find almost all of the writing on the topic quite frustrating because of a strong focus on the political issues out "at the limit" - so the average person finds themselves confronting a tsunami of content about every lunatic version of an issue- which can be entertaining intellectually, I'll admit.....but the feeling is like googling " my toe hurts" and finding out every way this could be cancer.
I feel my real struggle is with the normal conservative.
First the good stuff- because I need to say it:
Normal conservatives are very often wonderful, responsible, and down to earth in daily life who have been incredibly supportive of me personally- I feel a deep sense of loyalty and responsibility toward them. I tire of those who have no respect for the social commitments and bonds there or who wish ill on those who have been so good for me. A great many of them are far more complicated figures than pop culture might suggest,- homeschooling hippy jesus libertarians, working class post military who cope with PTSD (this is the most difficult group imho) kindly managerial normie cons who work 9-5 and mostly just live very chill productive lives. Far from the limited subset of radicals they are portrayed as amongst the very online, many have happily welcomed me into what are very male dominated industries, and been very supportive of my struggle with my family's autism issues. I feel greatly improved and supported in real life - I know how valuable that is. I haven't able to always count on having that.
I intend to stick with them, the actual people.
I am also deeply disappointed & demoralized by them at present.
The truth is that their focus on normal mundane aspects of life becomes toxic when there is real shit going on. In this context, they are inert, invisible- and I'm sad to say, suffocating - their approach to wider society is like walking yourself into your garage, turning the car on, and giving up.
It had seemed to me in 2021 that my down to earth conservative friends just needed some good ideas and direction to make a bigger impact. Unlike them - I was not totally naïve about politics as I have a habit of listening to serious lectures,debates, and news, with a range that stretches a fairly broad and wide collection of people. I made even a conscious effort to widen this pool four years ago to prevent ideological mind blindness to what others think. For example I knew Graeber and zizek and such well before 2020.
This created a problem in a stressful environment where I knew more about it but they felt that they needed to protect me and themselves from dangers- some real, some perceived, most not in the news at all or deeply personal. The last few years have been alot.
I felt that a departure from politics as entertainment or a kind of sports game would have a very salutary and hopefully lead ultimately to some kind of cultural reconciliation.
I instead have slammed face first into a deep and profound negativity. I've watched this clip of Graeber a number of times and I think he catches the feeling I have in a nice way:
Its at the level of even the most basic stuff. They don't call representatives about any issues, support many or even any groups that I know of, refuse to sign up for blogs, refuse to change habits with technology. They dont review what representatives do. They eschew all social media but facebook, and even that is iffy. Oh sure, they will discuss some "political" issues to look like they read the news - but its just....
More shocking to me was what happened when I began not simply to make polite, convivial dinner time suggestions, but when I began, after 6 months, to really insist that their lack of action was a serious disservice to themselves. I told them that if they were going to demand that we all isolate ourselves from radicalism that they had better well do something about what was so critically worrying.
I found myself being told I was too wound up. I found myself on the end of snotty comments about my intellectualism- Many exhortations of " go the gym, be normal, and just vote red"
When I began to suggest that I wanted real political issues of mine to be addressed in a meaningful way, like the way small businesses were treated during covid- (a situation on reflection that is the real origin of most of my objective, noncultural stress) and that I did not actually care as much about the non stop culture war shit as pundits seemed to think I should....well. let's just say that fixing a confiscatory gov "emergency" loan program is not their vibe.
They go for "apolitical" but really its more like.. we are not allowed to discuss it seriously. As an us vs them sports affair? Yes. Serious talk? Philosophy and shit? Hell no.
They patronize my libertarian concerns but when I press them to make a real commitment like buy bitcoin, or basically anything... Nada.
Worse than this, they now dishonor me ignoring the use of the state to persecute political enemies - and when I tell them I don't care for this they hardly know what to say, are surprised that the reality of it doesn't strictly conform to some vision of saving children in danger. Abortion is of course the ultimate in " oh the children" dissussions- one of the few they are often straightforward with.
I feel I have been made into a disgraceful person by this.
For therest of it....Most of them do not seem to believe many objectionable things in the first person..however... this clip feels right to what I'm dealing with.
So, none of them believe in the first person-but someone, somewhere is in danger, vulnerable children, looming gulags etc. Not so much a danger that they might actually engage.
I think the thing I hate the most in the world is the politicization of medicine, health, illness- and here this last few months they have broken my faith by abusing the state to go after people's private medical choices- the very damn thing supposedly being pushed against! So much for that- actually I knew it was cynical even last year which was when I started scratching this post out. I emphatically hate this every time it happens.
Its beyond hypocritical. I'm not interested in participating in the next spiral down. The idea that I will some how be benefited by the "team" getting a turn at the wheel of mutual oppression is a laughable charade. I'm being taken for granted- by people who don't have the will of their stated convictions. The attempts to claim this is just a matter of being normal strike me as avoidance - I've been exceptionally respectful of my relationships and long term commitments, but the fact is noninvolvement on this scale is toxic.
I intend to cut my losses here. They've had their grace from me- and couldn't even join a news letter or read one book of philosophy. If they won't put in the effort- then I aint got the time.
I can do better.