A collective sigh of relief could be heard from politicians throughout the nation today as President Donald Trump signed into the law the "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Law."
The controversial legislation is officially titled the "Politician Perjury Protection Act." The subject of lengthy simulated debate by House and Senate members, the bill grants any duly elected public official in the United States full immunity from charges of perjury, obstruction of justice or contempt of court arising from testimony taken under oath while actively serving in office.
Impetus for the measure began some 20 years ago in the wake of President Bill Clinton's impeachment investigation and trial. That probe cost American taxpayers an estimated $37,478,017.13 and ended in the acquittal that most knowledgeable observers had predicted from the start of the investigation. The move regained momentum this year as an investigation led by Special Counsel Robert Mueller closed in on Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia.
"With this bill, we ensure that the American people will never again be victimized by such a needless waste of time and resources, such a disgraceful witch hunt," Trump noted, with pen poised. "Before I sign, I want to state, for the record, that I have never lied while serving in public office; but I have great sympathy for those who have."
Trump's quip drew brief, uneasy titters from the representatives, senators and other integrity-impaired dignitaries gathered in the Oval Office to witness the signing.
"This bill recognizes what the American public has long known," observed Sen. B. S. Balderdash (R-Ill.), "that today's elected official, to effectively perform his or her duties, must, by necessity, at times skirt the absolute truth."
The bill extends immunity to any non-elected officials appointed by publicly elected officeholders. That, however, is where the line was drawn. Killed in committee were amendments which proposed similar protection for attorneys, judges and used car sales representatives.
Jeff Sessions, U.S. Attorney General, expressed great relief that he would no longer be required to rely on claims of memory loss while giving testimony under oath.
“Temporary amnesia is a terrible burden to bear,” Sessions said.
"American society, without doubt, holds many professional liars outside the political arena," added Balderdash, “but we cannot afford to make a complete mockery of our justice system, which does a fine job on its own; and Lord knows, car salesmen are already unquestionably honest."
NOTE: This is a work of satire. No such law has been enacted -- so far.
Photo source: CNN