People of the UK, thank you for delivering me a mandate to continue to rape you until your arses bleed
Attention plebs.
You're bit of democracy is now over. I hope you enjoyed it. For me, the biggest laugh of the night was watching that stupid, communist twat-pot Jeremy Corbyn getting that smug fucking look wiped off his vegan oat-cake-filled beardy chops.
Because, subjects, it's quite clear to me that you ignorant scroats prefer to be treated like the little bitches you really are.
Millions of you dragged yourselves away from your Telly last night just long enough to deliver a swift kick in the knackers with a hobnailed boot to the Labour party.
And I have laughed and laughed my arse off about it.
As you clearly have decided you enjoy being treated like the dirty little whores you are, I'm going to expect you all to spend the next couple of years quivering on your knees whilst I get a few hereditary peers to apply nipple clamps and electrocute your gonads (they do like a bit of that you know, especially the ones who were about in the 80's).
So here's what we're going to do:
* increase education programmes for people suffering from mental breakdowns to teach them the best and most satisfying way of ending it all.
* a new tax band of 95% for anyone earning less than £20,000 per annum. That should balance out the fact that the bloody poor are the ones who use the NHS more than those of us who have private health plans.
* bomb the living fuck-juice out of Yemen. Those brown little turds apparently are being a bunch of cocks to my mates the Saudi Arabian royals, a lovely lot who share a great deal of the sort of family values I like to promote. Like beheadings.
* Police officers to be issued cattle-prods, and free reign to use them with complete impunity whenever they feel like it.
* A new bill to enact a public lottery, similar to that in the Hunger Games, where all boys and girls aged between 7 and 11 will have their names put in a hat, and if drawn out, they get to spend a weekend in 'Medical Room' at Dolphin Square with Prince Charles and his friends.
* A blanket ban on doing anything except going to work, and perhaps dying, without the written permission of your local council. Well, as we control most of them now, it will be dead easy to implement that one.
Now, bend over and say "Please mistress, can I have another....?". You mucky little sluts, what are you?
