Let’s Get Ready To Humble!!!
I spent over 45 minutes of my life watching Mo’Nique’s interview on the Breakfast Club this weekend so that you didn’t have to do it. Mo’Nique took exception with Charlamagne the God making her Donkey of the Day back on January 22nd for trying to start a Netflix boycott because she received a lowball offer for a stand-up special. You could almost feel Mo’Nique’s rage and indignation waiting to pop a seam out of her Vibranium-reinforced dress. The interview is available here for all to see.
A really important part of the interaction between Charlamagne and Mo’Nique happens after the end of the official interview when everyone is saying their good-byes. (Charlamagne always says he tells the camera operators to keep the cameras rolling before and after interviews.) At this point, Mo’Nique tells Charlamagne that he is equivalent to a brother from Birth of a Nation who walked his wife into a “master’s house.” Birth of a Nation is a 1915 film that historians credit for a resurgence in the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan actually used it as a recruiting tool. I’ve never seen the film, but it’s easy to surmise what Mo’Nique is trying to say: Charlamagne the God, aka The Radio Guy, aka “Lenard” (not “Leonard”, Lin-ARD) hates black women because he doesn’t believe she should make as much money as Amy Schumer for a Netflix special.
BIG SIGH
Amy Schumer is on fire right now, everyone knows that. She has a movie coming out in 2018 called I Feel Pretty which will inspire porkers everywhere to skip spin class for viewing parties while crushing king-sized M&Ms, Coca Colas, and butter-drenched popcorns. For some reason she did a Netflix special recently where she wears a black leather outfit. I didn’t know that much leather existed. (Slight detour — is it just me or is this ‘body positivity movement’ all about fat women? I feel like fat guys have too much self-respect to be part of it. We had a fat friend that we would drag CONSTANTLY for having man boobs and being useless on our rec league basketball team because he couldn’t move. He took our jokes with a smile. Years later, he got serious about his health, got in shape, and thanks us for motivating him.) Instead of complaining about Amy Schumer striking while the iron is hot and getting her money, why isn’t Mo’Nique collaborating with her on a specialty pastry line at Krispy Kreme? Instead of worrying about Amy’s pockets, why not contact Nestle about developing a line of Mo’Nique-approved Hot Pockets? These are just a couple of possible opportunities for different revenue streams. You’re welcome, Team Mo’Nique.
Full disclosure — my Netflix account is inactive right now. My TV viewing consists of hours of basketball, occasional Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes, and the new season of The Tick on Amazon Prime Video. When I’m not watching that content, it’s Doc McStuffins for the fiftieth $*#$ing time with my two year old. The point I’m trying to make is that even with my limited exposure to current viewing options, I know that Amy Schumer is way more relevant, and therefore marketable, than Mo’Nique is right now. Mo’Nique tried to bring up the movie Almost Christmas as evidence of her relevance on the big screen. How her supporting role in this movie equates to Amy Schumer STARRING in her own movies is beyond me. Amy Schumer has her own show on Comedy Central. Mo’Nique has… crickets.
In her statement calling for a boycott of Neflix Mo’Nique states the reasons as ‘gender bias’ and ‘color bias’. But the three names she keeps mentioning as examples of the Netflix deal she deserves are Dave Chappelle (black man), Chris Rock (black man), and Amy Schumer (white woman). Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle are comedy giants who have huge cross-over appeal. EVERYBODY loved Chappelle’s Show. EVERYBODY watched Chris Rock on Saturday Night Live. I’ve already covered Amy Schumer. I’ve never seen an episode of The Parkers. If you asked one hundred people in America if they knew who Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, or Dave Chappelle was, a huge majority of the people would reply correctly. Ask those hundred people who Mo’Nique is. The responses will be variations on:
“Monique who? What’s her last name?”
“Monique? Do you mean Monica? The singer that did the duet with Brandy back in the day?”
“Yeah she’s the fat comedian.”
More disclosure — Mo’Nique annoyed me years ago with her whole “Skinny Bitches are Evil” schtick. So if you’re a woman who actually has discipline, watches what she eats, and gets regular exercise, you’re evil. But if you think syrup is a beverage, have a booth with your name on it at Waffle House, and consider getting out of bed exercise, you’re a strong black woman? FOH. During the interview I suspect that Charlamagne had tons of comments locked and loaded about her dress, but he was determined to be respectful, to his credit. But I don’t have that constraint. Mo’Nique looks like she ATE Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Dave Chapelle.
In 2018 black people have much more important causes to get behind than a delusional comedian who got lowballed and wants people to stop getting their Narcos on because of it. (Narcos looks awesome, I want to binge watch it at some point.) In Mo’Niques’ world that might make me the equivalent of Bull Connor. Oh well.