What It Feels Like Having A Porn Addiction As A Woman PT.1
I was about 8 or 9 when I stumbled upon porn. Im 23 now almost 24.. I didn't fully get into porn until I had my own laptop and was able to look at it alone by myself where no one else could find me. As I recall though, those days when I was around 8, I was looking up Brittney Spears photos and for some reason it took me to a pop up video of a naked woman and man going at it.
My first thought was "Uhoh, I don't think I'm supposed to be on this site" BUT my first FEELING was a tingling sensation. Why did it feel so good if somewhere in the back of my mind, I was hearing the thoughts "CLOSE THIS TAB NOW!"
I remember my mom coming home and there were a bunch of viruses on her computer, ( lets remember now, this was when Lime Wire was out and I think I had looked it up on there HAHA) and she asked me what I searched up. She saw all the nude photos and gif videos all popped up on her screen, as I just sit there next to her as she closes out of each of them...one by one, and she's thinking she's going to need to get a new computer.
This was definitely the peak of my imagination and starting to rummage down the rabbit hole of seeing the things I wasn't supposed to be seeing. I remember one of my first thoughts about sex at that time period being "Wow, that was a really huge penis, I don't know how I am ever going to fit that inside of me." I'm 8 at this time period so it was very interesting for me to have these thoughts, I was very curious, as are all little kids, but sex and porn became something that I wanted to learn so much about. Little did I know, I would still be trying to understand why I have the weird fetishes I do, and why I like certain types of sex up until NOW.
Then when I got my first computer, it was one of the first things I went to ever on the internet, I didn't even know there was a specific category for this called "porn" because still I'm so young, I just search "penis inside vagina." And what do you know, IT GOT ME THERE! I was so happy, but I was also sneaky, this is how I knew something wasn't okay with this situation I was doing.
I went to lock the door, I got under my sheets and I was scared that someone would walk in on me. The funny thing is, I wasn't even touching myself. I didn't even know that was part of the plan! I didn't know there were further steps to this process of me watching it until one day, I was very wet and I couldn't control it, I just decided to reach my hand down there and feel what was going on. "Wow" is all I remember thinking. It felt so good to touch myself down there, in a place that I thought was forbidden.. Why would something like this be so forbidden and left for me to discover myself? Why does nobody talk about this? Do other people know about this too!?
I had so many questions, but I was scared to speak up, so I didn't. I kept it to myself for like 6 more years, did it alone all the time. And btw I hadn't even had an orgasm from myself yet, I remember thinking a few times I was so wet, that I thought I peed myself so I would stop and then one day I was 16 years old laying in my bed as usual and I just didn't stop whatever this feeling was. It was wayyyyy too good for me to stop although it was so fucking intense as well. It was my first O and man was that the greatest sensation I had ever felt in my life.
Now heres where I realized I had an addiction. Everyday after school, the first thing I would want to do is touch myself Grab the computer, lets get a video on and let me burst please. I was looking forward to it all day. Then I remember I wanted to stop. I tried stopping, I told myself I could stop. I said "Brie, you can do it. You don't need porn." But I came home again from school and got off to porn. This time though, I was disgusted with myself. Was I disgusted with myself because I told myself I could stop and I didn't, or was I disgusted with myself because I realized I was getting off to these animalistic beings that were torturing each other in ways that I knew was probably a little unhealthy? I'm not exactly sure, I might have been creating stories inside my head, but ever since this moment, I have gotten mad at myself after porn when I try to stop. Because I don't want to. I like it too much. Why must I stop if it feels good?
You know why you should stop Brie? Because your sex life sucks now lol. Actually my sex life has always been pretty good, not always necessarily the people, but I was pretty wild in bed. Why do you ask? OH well because porn showed me how I am supposed to be in the bedroom. Is this what guys like? Well shit then I'll give that to them. It got to the point where I literally didn't even give a fuck at all what happened during sex as long as I got the guy off. Thats what I learned, you're supposed to get the guy off...right? No.
Anyways, the guys would try to get me to have an orgasm and I would just stop them because I knew not one of those men were going to be able to get me to orgasm the way I got myself to orgasm, so I closed off to even receiving from them. I thought I was the best in the world and I never wanted anyone in that space of mine. That is way too sacred for someone to witness. That is one of my most vulnerable places, and I wasn't ready to allow another guy to see me in that place. But it got to the next phase where I actually wanted to get off with a guy, and I couldn't. Maybe it was because I was young or still am young, but at the same time I knew it was the porn. I had been watching so much of it, that regular sex wasn't doing it for me anymore. Why do I need sex, when I have PORN!
Again, it happened.."I NEED TO STOP. THIS IS RUINING MY SEX LIFE. I DON'T EVEN ENJOY IT ANYMORE" I would tell myself. So I stopped. I was able to, I was 30 days in, the longest I have gone since I got my computer. And on that 30th day, I was like "Yay Me, I did it, We went 1 Month, We should celebrate!" Well Brie, how do you want to celebrate? "Uhh, we can watch porn for just tonight and I won't do it again tomorrow!" Perfect, lets do it, but you must promise we won't do it again tomorrow." I promise!
Lol, well that turned out to be a failed promise because as soon as I "relapsed" I fell deep and went on a Porncation. Now this has been something that I have been observing and doing for years on end. I tell myself, I'm done and then I go back. I know I can easily quit, its just a choice and a decision as I stated in one of my other post, but I'm not ready. I see what its doing to me, and I see that I have easily turned away guys because I like porn. While at the same time, I don't like porn, I love connection and diving deep with another person and having them all over my body, taking me in and exploring every part of me, sinking their eyes deep into my soul and letting us both blast off to another galaxy.
Am I scared I ask myself.. Yes I am because I know as soon as I let go of porn, I will be exploring something even deeper, a real human connection that feels way better than porn could ever give me. And thats the thing, every time I have given up porn, and masturbated myself with just my imagination, IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD. Way better than porn ever made me feel. Porn was like.. Okay you're done, close the computer, I don't need you anymore. Playing with myself and my imagination was like Heaven, keep touching me, feel my body, bask in what just happened and just lay there suspended in this feeling forever but I continued to go back because it took me longer to get off to myself than it did with porn, because well my brain was programmed to it.
I was 22 at the time when I finally went 45 consecutive days, no porn and I was on top of the world. I hadn't been giving my energy out to all these stupid videos, and I was keeping my sacred fluids for myself! I wanted to give that energy to someone else now, but I had gone 8 months without sex, and then what happened.. I had sex and man it was GREAT, but did I get off no. So I was like "well he didn't get me off, so I need to go watch porn to do that for me." and I know it wasn't his fault, he did a great fucking job, it was my desensitized pussy that I created from rubbing my clit so hard....
TO BE CONTINUED..
There is a lot more to this story and I am not at all finished, but I know this is a lot to take in right now, so I will write the rest later in another post!
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