When we think of the word “positive,” most of us probably think “happy.” However, happiness isn’t the only type of positivity. There are many ways to be more positive in your life, even when you’re experiencing sadness, anger, or challenges.[1] Research suggests that we have powerful capabilities to choose positive emotions and ways of thinking.[2] In fact, our emotions literally change our bodies on a cellular level.[3] Many of our experiences in life are a result of how we interpret and respond to our surroundings. Fortunately, rather than repressing or trying to “get rid” of negative feelings, we can choose to interpret and respond to them differently.[4] You’ll find that with some practice, patience, and perseverance, you can become more positive.
Part One of Three:
Starting With Yourself
1
Accept where you are. You can't change the way you think if you can't (or won’t) identify the problem. Accepting that you have negative thoughts and feelings, and that you don’t enjoy how you’re currently responding to them, can help you begin the process of change.[5]
Try not to judge yourself for your thoughts or feelings. Remember: the thoughts that pop up or the feelings you experience are not inherently “good” or “bad,” they’re just thoughts and feelings. What you can control is how you interpret and respond to them.
Accept the things about yourself that you can’t change, too. For example, if you’re an introverted person who needs quiet time alone to “recharge,” trying to be an extrovert all the time will probably just make you feel drained and unhappy. Accept yourself for who you are right now, just as you are. You can then feel free to develop that self into the most positive self you can be!
2
Make goals. Goals give us a more positive outlook on life. Research has shown that setting a goal can make you feel immediately more confident and hopeful, even if you don’t achieve the goal right away.[6] Setting goals that are personally meaningful to you and align with your values will help you achieve them and move forward in your life.[7]
Start small with your goals. Don't shoot for the moon right away. Slow and steady wins the race. Make your goals specific. The goal “be more positive” is great, but it’s so huge you probably won’t have any idea how to start. Instead, set smaller specific goals, like “Meditate twice a week” or “Smile at a stranger once a day.”[8]
Word your goals positively. Research shows that you’re more likely to achieve your goals if you word them positively. In other words, make your goals something you’re working toward, not trying to avoid. For example: “Stop eating junk food” is an unhelpful goal. It can cause feelings of shame or guilt. “Eat 3 servings of fruit and vegetables each day” is specific and positive.[9]
Keep your goals based on your own actions. Remember that you can’t control anyone else. If you set goals that require a certain response from others, you may end up feeling down if things don’t go as you hoped. Instead, set goals that depend on what you can control -- your own performance.[10]
3
Practice loving-kindness meditation. Also known as metta bhavana or “compassion meditation,” this type of meditation has roots in Buddhist traditions.[11] It teaches you to extend the feelings of love you already feel for your closest family members and extend it to others in the world. It’s also been shown to improve your resilience -- your ability to bounce back from negative experiences -- and your relationships with others in just a few weeks.[12][13] You can see positive effects in as little as five minutes a day.[14]
Many places offer courses in compassion meditation. You can also check out some guided MP3 meditations online. The Center for Contemplative Mind in Society[15] and the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center[16] both have free downloadable loving-kindness meditations.
It turns out that loving-kindness meditation is also good for your mental health. Studies have shown that compassion meditation decreases symptoms of depression, suggesting that learning compassion for others may also help you extend compassion to yourself.[17]
4
Keep a journal. Recent research suggests there’s actually a mathematical formula for positivity: three positive emotions for every negative emotion seems to keep you in a healthy balance.[18] Keeping a journal can help you see all of the emotional experiences in your day and determine where your own ratio needs adjustment. It can also help you focus on your positive experiences so that you’re more likely to remember them for later.[19]
Keeping a journal should be more than just a list of things you didn’t like. Research suggests that focusing only on the negative emotions and experiences in your journal will reinforce them, leading you to feel more negative.[20]
Instead, write down what you felt, without judging it as either good or bad. For example, a negative experience might look like this: “I felt hurt today when my coworker made a joke about my weight.”
Then, think about your response. How did you respond in the moment? How would you choose to respond now, with a little distance? For example: “In the moment, I felt horrible about myself, like I was worthless. Now thinking back on it, I realize that my coworker says insensitive things to everyone. Someone else can’t define me or my worth. Only I can do that.”
Try to think about how you can use these experiences as learning experiences. How can you use this for personal growth? What will you do next time? For example: “Next time someone says something hurtful, I will remember that their judgments do not define me. I will also tell my coworker that his comments are insensitive and hurt my feelings so that I remember my feelings are important.”
Remember to include the positive things in your journal too! Taking even a few moments to note down a kindness from a stranger, a beautiful sunset, or an enjoyable chat with a friend will help you “store” these memories so that you can recall them later. Unless you focus on them, they’re likely to pass right by your notice.