While I may be confident and empowered in my life now, it was not always this way. In truth, I lived half my live debilitated and terrified by fear. A seemingly hopeless misery, that was my life. 

This is that story and how I achieved the impossible, a life of hope and happiness. 

Though I had many fun moments as a child, and a relatively free and supported life in a middle class to well-off family, I never really liked this world nor the people in it.

An interesting thing about life is that it's all subjective/relative. My life was never as horrific as many people's life in comparison to the multitude of atrocities faced by children every day. Yet terror is terror, suffering is suffering, and it IS horrible. 

Life didn't really start to get miserable for me until about the age of 12 years old. By the time I was 15, I decided to never tell my parents the truth again, unless it was one they approved of, as my life would just suck more.

Though I always felt more aware and intelligent than most, I also felt weak and terrified--hopeless even.

 I didn't have many friends, as honestly I was just beyond shy. I was uncomfortable being around more than one or a couple people that I knew, let alone strangers. I was terrified of being seen, and going to any kind of social event was very unpleasant. 

I was the kind of kid who was so shy that having birthday parties was not even worth the suffering of having people sing to me. Some of my worst memories were of times like when my parents would take me to a restaurant for my birthday and have the service crew bring me a birthday cake and sing to me in the restaurant. Some people LOVE that and are like "thanks for making me feel special!". NOT me, I would rather starve than have that happen again...

It's so interesting how what is horrible and terrifying to one may be fun and satisfying for another...

I was the kind of kid who waited till the bell rang in the locker room so I could grab a quick shower without anyone seeing. If I had to run to class or show up late, then so be it.  I think you get the picture of my high level of anxiety. I would never even consider giving a public speech...

I have heard that it's not actually that uncommon for people's greatest fear to be public speaking. As a kid, I wouldn't say that I was aware that was my greatest fear, I was just aware that I did NOT want any kind of attention. 

Interestingly enough, the only class I ever failed in school was speech class because I refused to give a speech. I realized then just how TERRIFIED I was of public speaking. 

I did not refuse because I was lazy or stupid, I refused because I physiologically could NOT. I guess you could say I was almost deathly afraid of people, of being seen, heard, or even thought about. I did all the homework, did well on all the tests and even did all the extra credit--so much so that I HAD a passing grade of 76, but the teacher failed me anyways because "this is speech class and you can't pass speech class without giving a speech!".

I was pissed off. I would have said "well actually I DID PASS SPEECH CLASS look at my fucking grade you inconsiderate moron!" But I didn't, because I was too terrified to speak a word. Failing was way better than facing the terror of speaking out for myself. 

Until I realized that unfortunately, I had to take speech class again if I wanted to graduate as it was a "required" class. Oh the torture, oh the suffering! But such was life. My life anyways... This was terribly horrifying news. The next year went very similar to the first year. I did all the homework and even extra credit so that I had a passing grade. Yet the teacher told me, look I can't pass you unless you give a speech. 

So with great reluctance I wrote a speech and dreaded the day that I would be called upon to give it. That day came at the very last days of the semester.

The teacher called on me and I felt my stomach tighten, my heart begin to beat rapidly. I could hardly think, could barely stand up....

I walked up to the podium in a fog, trembling with fear, sweating profusely. I started to read the paper and tried to utter words, but my vision went black...All I could see was spots. I mumbled on in a haze for what seemed like an eternity before I passed out, totally overwhelmed with fear. 

The teacher decided to pass me despite my miserable attempt. Not that I am too grateful, as what kind of a person would she be to fail me again after that?

So I guess that was a success...Though I was probably even MORE terrified of public speaking after that experience... 

By the time I was 17,  I was so unhappy and hopeless about anything worth living for, the predominant wish I had was to die.

I did not wish for money or fame, because that would just be torture. I didn't want to go to college, because I knew it was an institution to create slaves and would only perpetuate my miserable life that I despised. 

In fact, I was not even aware of anything I had ever heard of that I wanted to be, or anywhere I wanted to be, because in my miserable perspective this world was such a shit show. 

I knew the church was an institution of control. I knew politics was a play to distract people from the diabolical truth of the power structure...so far from truth in fact I didn't even want to know what the truth was. 

I knew the system was broken and there was nothing worth living for; that is, besides playing baseball....the one thing I loved, at least for a little while, but I had already given up on that because I was so weak and pathetic I couldn't even do the one thing I loved. 

I could not imagine living another 80 years in this hell hole...

So it became clear to me: I had to end this life or find/create something I had never seen or heard of.

Well how the fuck was I going to find or create something I had never seen???...

Oh god, how the fuck am I going to commit suicide???

Oh god, life sucks...too scared to end it, too scared to live it...stuck in the dysfunctional cycle of suffering...

I knew the church didn't have the answer, nor my neighbors nor family. The tv/movies or magazines didn't have it either.

So what could be done?? I had to do something...

After what seemed ages of despair, hate and misery I somehow realized I had to go beyond myself and this world even. So I  chose to dedicate my life to a spiritual path, a path of discovery and awakening to the universal truths I was not connected with. 

I had to go beyond myself; I had to go beyond this world...there HAD to be something, something worth living for...something more than this world, this life of hopelessness!

It must have been destined because it didn't seem like I was very brave at the time, incapable of even giving a speech in class....or maybe I was brave because I never gave into conforming, numbing, or distracting; I just kept feeling the pain...

What really matters is that I did make a choice, and that choice was to find something I had never seen. I decided that devoting myself to spirituality--not religious dogma, but true spiritual devotion--was the only hope.

I remember that day eternally; it's almost as if my life was already better than it had been since I could remember. I mean, it was still the same but it FELT different. I was still wimpy and terribly shy. I still lived in a place I didn't want to be, but all of the sudden I felt like I had something worth living for, I had PURPOSE!

It seems as though EVERY day got just a little bit better and that it has been almost EVERY day since.

I dropped out of high school my senior year--still one of the greatest moments of my life! I felt more successful dropping out than I ever did passing those stupid worthless tests or wasting my time with the endless homework.

I almost completely invested my time in reading, writing, meditating, and working out.

I even told my only friend at the time "I really love you and am so grateful for all the experiences we have had, but I have decided to dedicate my life to a new path, and there is no longer value in this relationship anymore. Unless you are somehow also inspired and dedicated to complete transformation, I need to move on and surround myself with my focused purpose.  I will always remember you in gratitude and cherish the moments we have shared." I only ever saw him one time since.

What an example of the divine dichotomy, because for years I tried to work out in sports so I could just play on the team, but I was so pathetic that not only was I too puny to get a spot on the team, I was so weak that I would get sick every time I worked out too hard and get further and further away from any hope.

Now all of the sudden my life was better every day. I was healthier every day; I was stronger every day.

Wow! What a relief! More than relief, it was almost something that resembled what people used the word happy for!

Now while I was indeed much healthier/happier, I was nowhere near what I now know as happy, but when you live in misery and despair for what seems like ages, ANYTHING better than that feels good.

By the time I was 18, I was working out harder than anyone in the gym. I was so healthy that people in the gym would ask me about my workout routines, and even adults asked me about my diet etc. What's even MORE amazing is that I could actually respond to them, not just without passing out in terror, but with intelligent helpful complete sentences!!!

Funny enough, where I worked out there was a dance performance company that practiced there and the girl of the father who ran the company had a crush on me. Believe it or not, maybe I wasn't so pathetic...I still was NOWHERE near ready to put the moves on and activate my pimp game, but I did look at her when she looked at me and would respond to her when she would try and start a conversation. For me that was major progress!

Anyway her dad gave me a scholarship to the dance company upon agreement that I would attend a certain amount of classes (all of which his daughter was in) and perform in their shows. I guess it's obvious what was going on, but even then I never once tried to make a move on that hot girl. Maybe one could call that lame or unfortunate, but in retrospect I am grateful.

Believe it or not, I was kinda good at the dance thing and did one of their big theatre performances.

Sometime soon after I met a husband and wife who ran a talent expo for  "wannabe models/actors" I was not a wannabe, really far from it, I was still pretty terrified. Even thinking about being the object of people's attention especially on a runway or in front of a camera, was still terrifying. 

However they gave me a full scholarship worth thousands of dollars because they were convinced I was gonna make it. So I started doing all their practice group sessions, practicing stupid model and monologue stuff. Honestly, I was still terrified every time and did not like it at all. Yet I knew I had to start a new life and transform my terror to empowerment!

After months,  the big expo weekend at a huge fancy hotel had finally arrived. Oh god, I was feeling pretty terrified again, the most I had in a long time. One may think I would be excited but I was not, I was scared of being in front of so many people. I had to walk out on a runway all lit up, ALL ALONE with EVERYONE looking at me. GULP/SWEAT/SHAKE...

Honestly, it was mostly a blur the whole weekend... I felt like I was in a nightmare. But I made it through! I faced my most debilitating and terrifying fear. I walked out into the lights for everyone to see. I was me and I didn't collapse under the weight of my greatest fear. I stood up in front of a camera and delivered my monologue for everyone to critique. Though it wasn't easy, I believed in myself. I believed that change was possible and I CHOSE to be who I wanted to be, instead of the pathetic slave to fear I had been. 

Believe it or not, I got the most call backs of any male contestant...WHAT??? INCONCEIVABLE!!!

Yet it was true! Not only had I faced my greatest fear but I actually succeeded in the judgement of others--in the judgment of judges, agents, and agencies no less. 

I didn't really know what to think...It was surreal...What was happening, I had never had an experience like this before. All of the sudden I was seemingly teleported to a world where instead of being in the shadows, hiding in fear I was in the SPOTLIGHT for all to see. 

While it seemed unreal, almost to hard to believe, like a dream... it was happening. 

This was the beginning of a whole new me, a whole new life. The start of a great adventure, an adventure of conscious empowered choice! A life where I was finally free to begin exploring and expressing my self!

Anything was now possible. If I could face my greatest terror and SUCCEED I could do anything! I knew what I wanted and it wasn't fame nor fortune. It was awakening to the meaning and purpose of life, to be happy and do something extraordinary, something that would change the world!

From the terrorizing  grips of fear, to FREEDOM! 

This was over 15 years ago. Since then I have had my full life awakening, to my purpose and life itself. I have not had a job or worked for anyone since my career in LA and have only been sick for one day since. I have traveled the world and spoken on stages in front of hundreds of people. I founded and run what is now the organization with the lowest carbon footprint of any organization I have heard of and have a loving and happy family/life. 

Hopefully these tales will be shared another day. 

In conclusion: Fear is very real, suffering is real, and its all in our perception. Perception dictates our experience, and to change our experience we must change our perception!

When we are stuck in fear the thoughts, ideas, judgments, and conclusions seem VERY real. Breaking free or changing seems impossible, yet it is not. This is simply the conclusion of a perception of fear.

Many people have had experiences of which seem to solidify, prove or justify why living in fear or some other unhappy state seems like the only way. Its not about forgetting that these things happened or pretending they did not. Its about making the choice to really live despite these facts!

If I can achieve this, then anything is possible, and the only one I can count on or blame, is me~*~