Ako'y Pakinggan
EN: Hear Me Out
Acrylic on 18" Diameter Round Canvas
June 2019
IDEA
Here's my draft and idea for this painting. It shall illustrate how I interpret Depersonalization.
I really wanted to paint this a really long time ago but I always forget to. Thanks to Sining Collective for giving me the opportunity to translate what I feel and think into a painting for their Mental Heath Awareness event: SALAMISIM
What is Depersonalization ?
Have you ever felt like you are outside of your body, like you watch your own self from a far? Or, have you ever felt like your arm or any part of your body is being twisted or deteriorating, floating too high and then falling too hard? Have you ever felt like your body is expanding like a balloon being blown until it burst and then feeling like something is driving you fast and turning you into a small particle and expanding over and over again. Have you ever felt like you are not yourself? That you are not of this world?
That's depersonalization. It is when you are so stressed and having anxiety attacks or episodes. But this become a disorder when it takes over your daily life. Depersonalization Disoder might affect your work, studies, or even your socialization in a not so-good ways.
Depersonalization disorder is marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one's body and thoughts (depersonalization). The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream. However, people with this disorder do not lose contact with reality; they realize that things are not as they appear. An episode of depersonalization can last anywhere from a few minutes to (rarely) many years. Depersonalization also might be a symptom of other disorders, including some forms of substance abuse, certain personality disorders, seizure disorders, and certain other brain diseases.
Depersonalization disorder is one of a group of conditions called dissociative disorders. Dissociative disorders are mental illnesses that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, consciousness, awareness, identity, and/or perception. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, symptoms can result. These symptoms can interfere with a person's general functioning, including social and work activities and relationships. Source
REFERENCE
It takes a lot of photo to choose as my reference. Though they almost look the same, I was looking for a photo with much detail and lines so that I can translate it into canvas the way I pictured it out.
MATERIALS:
- Paint Brush (Pointed)
- Old Magazine
- Acrylic Paint , Shades of Brown, White and Black
- Round Canvas
- Glue (for magazines)
- Water (for washes)
PROCESS
I started with drafting my idea on the canvas using pencil. I copied the outline of my chosen reference and adjusted the drawing on the arm part to create a cloth visualization.
After drafting the outline, I started to paint colors on the hand. I used raw sienna and white for the color of the flesh.
I tried my best to make it a semi-realistic approach using Acrylic. If I use oil, it would be easier to and smoother to blend. But I am sometimes impatient so I use acrylic, I hope this would go well.
Painting the cloth like texture is hard for me, I was trying to make as the extension of the skin, that's why the color is the same as the flesh.
Unfortunately the flesh on cloth did not worked out so I tried putting bronze on that part.
For the background I mixed variety of colors of brown. I made it more abstract to show more space for the subject itself. I neutralized it with hints of white and drips of water.
I thought I overdid the bronze and it did not matched well on my idea, so I again, change plan. I crumpled a paper and tried if it would fit, since I also felt my hands were being crashed and crumpled when I am experiencing this.
DETAILS:
The words and scribbles here are some of the words I speak out to myself. Yes, I also do self-talking. :) It's healthy, they said.
FINAL TOUCHES
In the end, my two previous plan to show my own experience about depersonalization did not work out, but I did found satisfaction by showing it by how heavy I felt when it triggers again. Sometimes, part of my limbs became so heavy like a rock and it will suddenly drop from a high place, over and over again.
I added the white silhouette of plants which signifies my hope in life. And the courage to get up every morning and continue life. We are all growing and glowing, just not in the same phase but we all are.
Subscribe on my Youtube Channel Genesis Aala
Previous related art posts:
| Artwork Idea for Salamism | Work in Progress Part 1: Depersonalization, Artwork for Mental Health Awareness | My Artwork for Salamism: Part 2 |
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT
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