From the past few months, I've been trying really hard to get a hold of my life and to shape things in the way I want them to so I can be ready to save myself from any potential pain or discomfort.
I've talked about it before how I'm irrationally scared of the future and how I see myself in it, so to avoid the bad situations that I imagine myself to be in, I've been trying to control everything about my life that I possibly can.
But between all this, what I still can't seem to understand is why the more I try to take control of my life and the image that I've created of myself in the eyes of others, the more things seem to fall out of place.
To a certain degree, yeah, I do feel in charge sometimes but life doesn't wait too long to put me back in my place and remind me to take off that mask of security that I wear in front of other people.
For The Better
But what's even more surprising is that things still somehow end up working themselves out and often in a way that's, apparently, better for me in the long run even if I don't realize it yet.
The same thing happened with me a few days ago when I quit my first job but got offered an even better one. It seems like this pattern has gotten so repetitive yet so unpredictable, that I don't even know if I should worry or not.
Sometimes these changes feel so overwhelming, while at other times they just don't feel enough and it starts to feel like life has become motionless and boring. Because of all that, I don't even know how to perceive my own life anymore.
So many things are just not making sense at the same time and I can't seem to put words to the situation that I'm in and the thoughts that come after, and that's making me both mad and a little ignorant too.
What's "Normal" Exactly?
Since I became a freshman in college about a year ago, I'm having to do exactly the kind of things that I usually wouldn't do and I can feel how it's slowly changing my personality and what I consider to be normal in general.
I'm meeting so many new people, going to so many new places, learning so many new things, experiencing so many new failures, and maybe a few accomplishments too, all at the same time.
But that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is how all of those new experiences either still don't feel enough, or feel too new and too risky to get myself into right now. A lot of me has surely changed, but a lot of me still feels the same too.
I guess the point I'm trying to make with this whole mess is how I'm slowly coming to realize and learn that life isn't something you control, but something you surrender to. It's something you flow with, not something you swim against.
I haven't fully embedded that idea in my life yet and I know I'm probably not going to at least for now. I'm still pretty much the control freak that I'm trying not to become, and maybe after enough mistakes and failures, I will finally learn...
...how to let life flow.
Previous Talks:
- Real Talk #1 - My Fear Of Failing As A Writer (and other stuff)
- Real Talk #2 - The Pain Of Loving A Toxic Parent
- Real Talk #3 - The Art of Asking for Help
- Real Talk #4 - Confessions
