Anger at one's own child - how to prevent it and find solutions

Many fathers and mothers know the feeling when their own child has pushed you to the limit and you are about to fall asleep. What can one do in advance and how can one avoid being overstretched against one's own child? A father shares his experiences and gives tips.

I remember my father's face when he hit me. It was not a pretty sight - a bright red head, its mouth ripped open when it struck uncontrollably with my flat hand for me - and often my brother too. I was always shocked because I did not know anything about my mother. At the time I thought that was terrible - and I never wanted to repeat that with my children. Now I am a father myself and never raised my hand against my children. But meanwhile I can understand my father better.

Children challenge their parents - and sometimes they are overwhelmed

My parents divorced when I was seven years old. Different views on parenting played a role. My brother and I then lived with my mother. We only saw my father one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer holidays. The weekends were usually without too much tension - also because they were so short. But during the holidays it happened that my father - mostly me - "reached us," as he called it. It was never planned, controlled. In the situations where he beat us, we were wild and loud - we were just vivacious guys who did not make announcements when they argued with each other - and my dad did not know how to deal with the situation. Because he was stressed because he felt helpless or overwhelmed? Or something of everything?

I still do not like what he did. But in the meantime, I can understand it better and better, because I too have already learned how my children have brought me to my limits. I've already felt real anger at my big daughter, whom I love about everything. This explosive mix of frustration, helplessness, stress and fatigue that comes when my child is stubborn or uncooperative, throwing things, slamming doors, beating at her parents, or - worse - purposely hurting her little sister. In those situations, I was a little too close to knocking her off, I saw it in my mind's eye. I've never done it and I'm determined never to do it. Because to beat his child is:

prohibited by law
cowardly, because one passes by a physically inferior and goes the easiest way, supposedly to solve a problem and is thus a sign of weakness
and beyond that the absolutely wrong message to the child. Violence is simply not a suitable means of resolving interpersonal conflicts.

First, do not let anger arise

I was wondering when I came into situations where I eventually got mad at my child and recognized some patterns.

My child is particularly exhausting when he is tired, hungry, over-stimulated or not able to rave enough. Or it wants to enforce its will at any price, simply on principle. When I realize this, I can better evaluate some of the reactions of the little ones and maybe even remedy them, or my insight helps me to endure the whim of my child more easily. There is a reason, it is only temporary ...

Even I am particularly "uncool" when I am annoyed, in stress, under time pressure, when I have too high expectations, too many plans or simply tired and exhausted. Actually quite logical. At some points you can build in - put temporary buffers where possible, etc - but that includes the life of parents, especially when they are working, a good amount of stress and fatigue is also often on the agenda. Still, it helps to know when you are at risk.

What to do if you feel anger at your own child

Even if you do not try to create situations in which you reach your own limits, they usually occur at some point. Here are some tips that can help to relax a situation:

Clear rules that the children know also help in stressful situations. It helps to establish this early. It is important that children know that their actions have consequences. This often makes long discussions superfluous.
Has proven the 1-2-3 method. The question is in extreme situations but often what happens if the child does not respond.
The break can be a good strategy to give the parent and child a chance to calm down.
Call the partner, if available. Maybe he has just more strength or better access to the child in the special situation.
In an emergency, just leave the room. Better go to the door to breathe, than to cut down the child.
Suggest a deal to the child - and, if necessary, a bad deal. Everything is better than violence against one's own child. If necessary, place your child in front of the TV until you calm down both. However, it must be clear that this is an exception, so your child does not get the idea to conjure up such situations in order to get what they want.

To show the child limits - if necessary also physically

Children challenge their parents - including physically. It's okay if your child feels every now and then that you are stronger - but do not take advantage of it. It's not okay to hit a child, not even on the hand. But it is justifiable to hold the hand of a child who is beating after you and say "NO" loud and clear. Show him who the stronger one is. In such a case, I have already pushed my child - controlled - onto a mattress. My wild daughter was astonished, swallowed, then rested briefly. There are also parents who succeeded in such situations to hold their child close to him and hold on.

Boys - and also girls - want to let their muscles play and fight occasionally. Ideally, a friendly and fair quarreling with the parents comes about. When children are very angry and do not know where to go with their anger, they can instead be offered an item to vent their anger. A pillow for example.

Defining red lines - what's wrong?

There are many rules in children's lives. Every child should know, however, where his parents "fun" stops, which is absolutely not accepted. In our house, the violence - ie beating, biting and scratching - intentionally destroying siblings and parents or things. When that happens, our children know that their parents are getting angry - and there is a break and no privileges like TV or candy. That's why it's very rare.