There was no point being scared, you should have spoken up. You should have said the truth instead of just sitting there crying. You could have done better.
You should have done more. If only you spoke up that day, if only you said the truth, things would have been more different. There was no point being quiet claiming victim. You should have been more confident. There was no point being emotional. You should have handled things better.
These are the words I would have said to my younger self.
How it all began
Years ago, I was this quiet and timid child who could hardly speak for herself or defend herself. I was uncontrollable emotional (if there's a word like that).
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I will emphasize on "defend myself" because people had mess with my mind and emotions. I grew up in an environment where every child was wild and assumedly smart. I used the word "assumedly" because their smartness was towards evil and not good. I wondered how I became different.
Now I remember!!!
Oh heavens it was my mum. My mum molded me to becoming who I was. How did I get to know? someone might want to ask. She said it herself. She wished she had raised my better (by better I mean: to be able to stand for myself and defend myself, not to always run to her when ever I am threatened by other kids). She said these words herself. Oh yes she did.
How my mum raised me
She wanted to have the best child in the world and as a mother that stands for peace, love and unity, when I was younger and face with other kids my age who would beat me, my mom would hold me back from retaliating. It went on and on till I grew older. She never allowed me defend myself. She would always take me away when ever I was faced with a rough situation. To her, that was the best thing to do. Which I am not saying other wise but here is the bad side of it.
I became weak and foolish. Kids way younger than myself could bully me and all I could do was to cry and run back home. At some point she became frustrated with that attitude of mine. In situations where she expected me to say no or defend for myself, I allow myself bullied.
There was a situation where a kid collected my lunch at school. This is something I should have said no and collected my food back. Instead I allowed her have it. All I could do was cry. Even when my teacher asked, I could not say a word instead I was crying. That was one thing with me I can't talk when I am crying. This is just one out of many situations that made my mum say what she said.
She promised herself never to do that to any of her child. When she gave birth to her second child which is my younger sister, she let her be. You can't imagine how that one turned out lolz. That is a story for another day. Let me go back to what I was saying about myself.
On this faithful day in school, that was in my secondary school. Jss3 to be precise, I was in the hostel on a Saturday morning when a student came to call me that the boarding house mistress wants to see me (It was a boarding school). I followed her and on arrival at her office, she slap me so hard that I went to the ground. As usual, I started to cry. How could you? she said holding a cane. I was confused to what was happening but I could not speak up because I was already crying.
I though you were different she said while hitting me with a cane. I am sorry Ma I muttered in tears. Be sorry for yourself she said while flogging me some more. I was in so much tears and pains. Where are the rest she asked. In confusion and pain I looked at her not knowing what to say or what she was talking about.
My school bag was dropped in front of me. Where are the rest she screamed. I couldn't still say a word. Trust Nigerian teachers. Every staff that was present that morning started hitting me and saying hurtful words that has hunted me all the days of my life. Some called me a pretender, others said I am a green snake in a green grass. One even said; you'll think they are holy and righteous not knowing that the devil is better than them. I heard all these and more in tears not knowing what was actually going on.
You all might be wondering what happened
Here was what actually happened. My school bag got missing three days before that day. I went to sport in the evening when I misplaced imy bag. I told a few friends about my missing bag but did not sound so serious about it or should I say they were carried away with what was happening in the field that day that no one paid attention to what I was saying.
Now some students went to the staff quarters and as the story could have it, they tried stealing from a staff and while on it, the school security noticed and there was a dog race. In the process of trying to get the students, one of the security held a student by the bag, she removed the bag and ran away. They all escaped that night but the next day, one of the student went to the school clinic to report an injury. She became a suspect because her story of how the injury came about was not convincing enough. She had other bruises on her body, you could tell it was from something like that. The school bag was then traced to me. That was how I got into such mess.
Since I could not say I was innocent, the other lady could not say I was not with them. I honestly did not know who the rest were but she bluntly denied that she was not part of it.
Instead of speaking up in defense or even telling the school authority that I knew nothing about it, I did not. I took all the blame while crying by keeping mute when asked if I had anything to do with it. The height of foolishness' was what I displayed.
That got me a bad name in the school and of cause I was sent back home for three weeks. My parents were disappointed in me. Some people believed I was innocent but the mystery in my situation was that, I did not deny not doing it.
If only I had spoken up, maybe those who trusted me and believed in me would have still believed in me. Because till date, some people still believe I am a green snake in a green grass.
So if I am to write a letter to my younger self, here is it
Dear Younger Me
You did not choose the things that happened to you, you were a product of circumstances. You did what you did because that was all you knew. I keep saying you could have done better which is true. The you of now is nothing compared to then. If such scenarios ever play out in life again, never you feel intimidated. Always speak up, be bold, confident, smart and fearless. This world is full of cruel people that thinks only of themselves. No one is coming to save you but yourself. Never forget this.