Self-love and being able to respect myself in an intimate setting with my partner is something that I struggled with for the longest time. I still fall into old patterns at times, but I believe I've healed a lot of what was hindering me in that regard. Healing has allowed me to feel comfortable with my husband, able to respect my needs, be unafraid to express my desires, and to feel sexy and beautiful.

Background

About 13 years ago now, I was in an abusive relationship. Part of the abuse I was subjected to was sexual, and I was groomed to be the man's sex slave. If I expressed my needs, I was punished, if I expressed my desires, I was punished, if I said "no" because I did not feel well enough to be intimate, I was punished. So I developed the reflex to neglect my needs, be afraid of my desires, and disrespect myself in times when I needed to be kind to my body. Fast forward to when I finally meet the love of my life, and I was struggling with those issues.

The Catalyst

For a long time, I had been numb, trying to bury the pain of the trauma I had experienced. Then one day, I injured myself. Top of the sternum and torso area. Costochondritis, they say it's called, where the tendons to the muscles and bones are strained, sore, stretched and bruised. It was so painful, I thought I was having a heart attack. It falls right at the Heart Chakra, you see, and it's not a coincidence. The Heart Chakra is what I needed to heal the most. If I'm REALLY stressed, I still feel needle pain or soreness in that area, more concentrated on the left side, but I know my physical heart is healthy. And every time it gets sore, when I ease it up and the pain stops, it's itchy, like a healing wound. That is my main indication. But it wasn't always that "easy" to ease the strain and pain that I can feel momentarily these days. It was constant, it was intense. I couldn't even wear a bra for 6 months. And I had this, in this very painful and intense form for 9 months. When it healed, it gave birth to a whole slew of other issues being healed as well. That's not to day that the EFT and other forms of healing didn't do the trick to heal the more psychological aspects of the wounds, but this physical wound, slowed me down enough (along with the burnout) for me to stop and heal, and address these issues, address the trauma that needed to be healed.

How I Healed The Physical Wounds

I say the Physical Wounds, because I know the mental aspect was healed through energy work, but what I used to heal the physical wound also healed the emotional aspect and helped me be strong enough to FACE the trauma so that I could heal it. It's like a quest, and part one was the wound, then healing physically unlocked the door to healing emotionally which unlocked the door to healing psychologically. Oof, that's complicated. But, quests that make you run around all over the map usually are.

I don't take medication, and I don't take natural drugs. I'm allergic to a lot of chemical products and react badly to a lot of drugs. So that was out of the question. Instead, I turned to nature's natural gifts: gemstones. Every night, I alternated with two different genstones, cleansing and recharging them every day in alternation, and I would place them on my Heart Chakra area, or a bit above, either in the center, or wherever I felt the pain more, and kept it there for at least 30 minutes at a time. I also did some Hatha Yoga to open up the heart area with breathing. And slowly but surely, the wound healed, the pain dissipated, the constant throbbing stopped, and I could move around freely again, let alone wear a bra.

Aventurine

The first gemstone I used was a Green Aventurine, not tumbled, and cut more raw. I find it quite fitting as it was quite the adventure. It can be recharged in the Sun or on clear quartz rock crystal. Aventurine can heal skin wounds, it's green, the colour of the Heart Chakra, and help with finding a sense of self. Also, and especially when placed on the Heart Chakra, it can reduce anxiety and psychosomatic symptoms. So this stone was perfect for me.

Rose Quartz

The second stone I used was a tumbled Rose Quarts, also placing it on my Heart Chakra. It is pink, the colour of love, to heal wounds caused by love hurts and promotes self-love. It promotes circulation so is excellent to increase fertility and sexuality. This gemstone is most effective when placed on the Heart Chakra. I would charge it on my rock crystals.

Healing Unlocked

The healing that was unlocked following this bout was massive. It happened slowly throughout a long period of time, once the physical aspect was healed, but I was able to overcome a good portion of my fears related to intimacy. Today, I am not afraid to initiate intimacy or to say "ok now!" I'm not afraid to express if I am unable to be intimate, even if there are times when I still feel guilty, I express it. I feel good about myself, sexy, beautiful. I enjoy being silly and sensual and am very comfortable with my husband in all things intimacy. It also paved the way towards self-love and healing some of the wounds that had been following me for years.

My Body Speaks To Me

Today, there are times when I have trouble managing some of the more intense and remaining wound and fears, but my body speaks to me in such wonderful ways. Most of the time, when those fears or wounds are intense, I feel it physically, like a tug at my Heart Chakra. My body is thus telling me what needs addressing and perhaps a bit more attention at that moment. Using Rose Quartz or Aventurine in those moments not only helps alleviate the physical symptoms, but the emotional and psychological symptoms. Not because it makes the symptoms disappear, but because it allows me to address the trauma and heal the wound with the necessary confidence to overcome it. And the once healed, the symptoms are gone...for good.

In Conclusion

I never thought, back in the day, that I would feel this comfortable towards intimacy and able to express my desires and needs in regards to making love, cuddles, kisses, affection, and words of lovey-dovey endearment. I am very grateful that I am with someone who respects me, because during my journey, in those times when I could have disrespected my needs and been intimate at a time I needed to not be, just out of fear, his respect for me helped me respect myself. I was afraid to respect myself, whatever that meant, when it came to intimacy, or not being intimate. Today, I respect myself as much as he respects me. It makes those moments of intimacy feel all the more special and so much more fulfilling, because I respected myself and felt good about myself and about the intimate moment I was sharing with my husband.

Here is the @NaturalMedicine original post about the contest: https://steemit.com/naturalmedicine/@naturalmedicine/enter-the-natural-medicine-love-it-up-contest-30-sbd-in-prizes-due-date-valentines-day-14th-feb

The first two images and the last are Royalty Free images from Pexels.com. The other two are pictures I took of me holding my Aventurine and my Rosie Quartz that I took with my Canon Powershot camera and resized for this post.