Growing up, I use to think my mother hated me, and we didn't have the best of relationships. Probably it's the African style of discipline she adopted.
Being a child in the typical Nigerian home, especially those of us born in the 90s and earlier, we know how strict our parents can be with parenting.
Nobody has time to be advising you, they also were not knowledgeable about time out and other subtle way of parenting. To our parents back then, beating a child always does the trick and somehow it works too.
Beating (especially flogging) and Punishment was like a culture amongst African parents especially in my country Nigeria.
It is also a cultural heritage in every Nigerian home that the first child automatically becomes the deputy parents.
So as the first child, you get double of everything; The flogging, the punishment, the responsibilities, the blame and the treats.
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I'd always feel the least loved amongst my siblings. My siblings would fight, but I will be the one getting punished.
Something will spoil in the house, I am the one being flogged.
It gets really exhausting that I find myself constantly living in fear and hatred.
I did not appreciate the other goodies and how I always got the lion's share as the eldest, I still felt unloved because why would you beat or punish me and then gift me? Why not just gift me and exclude the beating plus punishment? I would always question in my mind when the time for treats come.
One day, after I had felt unjustly punished and flogged for an offense my siblings committed, I attacked my mom verbally, asking her why she hated me so much. What did I ever do to her to always be treated unfairly by her?
I started asking her if she's really my biological mother because no matter how hard I think that I try to do better, it seemed to never be good enough.
I said so many things that day to my mother, and I think she broke.
She kept quiet for a long time and then said: I do not hate you, I just want what's best for you.
She continued: As the eldest child, if I do not bring you up well-disciplined, the lives of your siblings will be ruined as they look up to you.
I never understood how powerful these words were until my siblings and I were all grown.
I noticed their life's decisions were greatly influenced by my actions.
Whatever I do, they find themselves doing it on impulse.
I am getting more degrees, they are also getting. I get involved in politics, humanitarian affairs and activism, they are doing the same and the list is endless.
Likewise, I also noticed they treat my parents exactly how I treat them. Then I started understanding my mother's actions towards me in the past. Her methods might be a bit extreme to me, but I'd say it shaped me. I became more accountable and responsible.
But before now, back then after the confrontation with my mother, I realized she was not beating me for beating sake but because I had failed in my responsibilities as a second parent and a role model to my siblings.
Whenever my siblings fight, she'd ask what was I doing that my siblings resorted to fighting and destroying things in the house?
Whenever I sleep off or get distracted and the food I put in the fire gets burnt, she will fume. I was being beaten or punished for negligence and irresponsibility, but I didn't see it that way, I saw it more like wickedness and inhumane actions being done to me.
It was after the confrontation with my mother and the words she said to me that I remembered the beating I was receiving always come with corrections that I failed to adopt.
Thus, I started putting the correction mechanisms in place. Whenever my siblings would have misunderstandings, I get involved and try to settle it as much as I could, if I can't, and they don't listen to me and proceed to fighting, as my mother is returning from work, I am running to her at the gate to report. I won't wait for her to come in and find out what happened.
If I am the one being provoked I don't resort to fighting like I use to, I'll wait until she comes back then I'd go report to her and let her handle it her way.
Soon, I realized the beating seized from my end and the offenders, whom happened to be my siblings, were now the ones chopping beat and receiving punishment, and I was happy, at least I will rest small lol.
Now here is the twist, the moment my siblings saw that I am no longer suffering for their sins as they are now directly hit, they changed and started using diplomacy to resolve issues and the beating seized altogether.
Just small punishments here and there, because definitely we are humans, and we'd always misbehave one way or the other.
This experience with my siblings, is exactly why I think the good old culture/tradition of the African parenting style works wonders. Although it might not work for every child lol.
Becoming an adult, I'd say my mother and I have found in ourselves companionship. My friends would always wonder how I could comfortably discuss certain things with my mom, and she won't chastise me.
She literally knows about all my man problems since I started having boyfriends and getting involved in relationships.
Our bond is so strong that to get to my good side, any man interested in me gets close to her and always gift her so she can be putting in good words for them.
Even her siblings would say we behave more like best friends than mother and daughter.
The journey was not always this smooth, but we were able to smoothen the rough edges and built a strong bond.
PS
This post is me killing two bird with one stone by:
1)Participating in the ladies of hive weekly prompt (Relationship between my mother and I)
2)Attempting the #aprilinleo prompt for day 3 (Culture and Heritage).
You can participate here