When I was in my 20's I lived up in Dublin.I had moved up to Dublin with a friend called Brendan.I met Brendan when I was 19 working in Portlaoise. I was his manager and when I got promoted to another town Brendan decided that he was coming with me. This was typical Brendan. Laidback and no worries. He didn't care about a career. All he wanted to do was meet new people and just be happy. He made a plan that I would support him with food until he found a job. I know to normal human beings this would be considered a bit forward by Brendan who was hetrosexual before you ask , but I was delighted. I was heading to a new town on my own and I didn't know anyone. If Brendan came and I fed him then we could both go to the pub and lead a life that normal 20 year olds live.
Brendan got a job in a bank and we lived a glorious existence in a town called Naas in Ireland. A lovely little town near Dublin. Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones lives in Naas. Meself and Brendan loved them and one day we were driving down the street listening to "Gimme shelter" and we passed Mick Jagger and Ronnie Wood walking past us. What are the chances?? Life was good!
A couple of years later a job came up in Dublin. A big job for me so I went for it not thinking I would get it but loan behold I got it. I was worried about telling Brendan but he was fine about it. He decided again that I would feed him like last time until he got another job in Dublin. So we moved to Dublin at the tender age of 23.
Brendan knew a guy up in Dublin called Flood and I got to know him well. He called Brendan Doug for some reason which I found hilarious. The thing about Flood was he mad. M.A.D. It was the start of the Celtic Tiger in Ireland and Flood landed a great job with Golden Pages. The more customers Flood could convince to buy some advertising space, the bigger his bonus. Flood could talk to anyone about anything. He had this way about him that he could push boundaries with people but get away with it. He would have farmers wrapped around his little finger. I heard him on his mobile one day trying to get a client giving him the 5k that was due for an advert.
"Frank you are absolutely minted and you are holding out on me and I'm getting my ball's broken in work because you are late with the money Frank so go into your mattress and Il be around in the morning" [Hysterical laughing on the line]Tell Shelia I said hello and give her my commiserations that she is married to a tightwad!" [More Laughing].
He quickly became his companies cash cow and bonus's started rolling in. Now these bonus's were not small. We were talking 10k a quarter type bonus’s. Flood would never boost about it. I met Floods' boss one night. He said he loved Flood ever since he was on an interview panel of 3 interviewing Flood for the position . They asked him what his weakness were
< Flood answered: "I can't drink whiskey!" , "It drives me crazy"!
His boss said one of the interviewers couldn't keep a straight face and broke down laughing.
Flood with my poor poor wife
Anyway Flood lived with 3 other lads nearby and we frequently went around to theres. We decided we were going to go on holidays to Greece that summer. Myself, Brendan, Flood, my friend Paul (who didn't know Flood) and the 3 guys from the house. The 3 guys from Floods house quickly pulled out citing different excuses. I realised after the holiday that they didn't want to go with Flood. Anything could happen and they were worried. We were not to know.
So like all Irish 20 something year olds on holidays, we started drinking in the airport, on the plane, on the bus transfer. We reached Zante in Greece around 3pm. Flood thought it would be funny to make an entry to our resort with a bang. As soon as we got to the pool he had asked an older guy on a lounger if he had his phone in his pocket. The guy said no so Flood threw him in the pool.
Then Flood jumped in after him. The lifeguard was not happy.
"NO jumping into the pool", the lifeguard said angrily.
"How else are we meant to get in?" shouted Flood back to him
The packed poolside erupted in laughter. Some cheered. The lifeguard was not very popular. Some people got up and applauded his reply. Flood was poolside famous. Meanwhile the older guy swam to the edge of the pool after his surprise dunking. "Oh Jesus" I thought to myself. "What have we done." Two hands gripped the side of the ladder. "Love" tattooed on his left fingers and "Hate" tattooed on his right fingers. He came over and told us he was going to kill Flood and all his friends and then laughed hysterically like a mad man saying he was joking. Then he got serious again and said "Or am I?" I remember his laugh to this day. It still sends shivers down my spine.Flood being Flood smoothed things over by pretending to jab the guy like a boxer. The guys eyes twitched with every jab. If there wasn't so many people around Flood was a deadman!
After a few drinks myself and Brendan said we would room with each other while Paul and Flood had the other apartment. Perfect. Leave our two friends who don't know each other get to know each other. We both didn't want to room with Flood. Brendan was busy locking all the doors and closing the shutters in our apartment like he was preparing for a zombie apocalypse.
"Flood will get in ", he said.
"It's only Flood", I replied.
"Flood doesn't sleep. He lies there and waits. He will want to come in and want to go drinking".
"Go to sleep Brendan , he's fine", I said.
The next morning we were awoken by giggling. Very close giggling. A female giggling. Wait a minute I thought waking from my slumber. Who the hell is that? I opened my eyes and Flood was in the room and there was a lady in a red cocktail dress sitting at the end of my bed. How in the name of Jesus did he get in? Brendan had even put a latch on the door. To this day we still don't know how they got in. Flood hadn't slept. The lady in the red cocktail dress was drinking a large bottle of cider. She wasn't just rough around the edges, she was rough between the edges as well. She was wearing a wedding ring and she was telling Flood that she had an argument with her husband in a nightclub. Alarm bells started ringing in my head. She's in a room with 3 lads. She just had an argument with her husband. She is all over Flood. She is very very rough looking. Where is this bloody husband? We have to get rid of Flood and this woman from our place ASAP. Brendan started telling Flood quietly to get rid of her.
"Tamelza is fine", said Flood. "
"We have been drinking all night".
"She's grand".
Just as we were about to push them out the door we heard a man screaming her name from outside in the court yard. He was looking for Tamelza. A very drunk man. A very big man. A man that would kill you stone dead. A man that would not take to kindly to his wife drinking in an apartment with 3 guys he didn't know. A man with love and hate tattooed on his fingers.
"What are we going to do?" I asked Brendan with gritted teeth.
"Thats the guy Flood threw in the pool and now he's over there looking for his wife that is over here trying to get it on with Flood"
"We are absolutely fuuuuuuckkked!"
The shouting drew closer.
"I KNOW YOU ARE HERE SOMEWHERE, COME OUT. IF I FIND OUT YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE I WILL KILL THEM"
Brendan sprung into action. He grabbed Tamelza by the arm, opened up the back shutter window and made Talmelza jump out.We were on the first floor so a bit of a drop but onto grass. Being the gentleman that he is, he threw down the rest of her bottle of cider. She caught it well too. She slinked around the corner out of sight.Phew.
The next day we passed the happy couple by the pool and it looked like they were in martial bliss.
This was only night 1 with 6 to go.
On Day 2 Flood got restless from lying by the pool and getting sneers from Stavros the lifeguard. He hired a quad and disappeared down the road. 8 hours later there was still no sign. We were having a meal and he walked in absolutely legless.
"Wheres the quad?" Brendan asked.
"What quad?" Flood replied.
"The one you hired for a week and paid €500 deposit for"
"Ahhhhhhh.............."
We spent the whole week looking for the quad. When I look back at it now, retracing his tracks was hilarious. It took detective work but after a few days of patching up his memories we found out he went to a bar north of the strip. So we asked the barman there where he went after that bar.
"The one beside us" said the barman. So we went there and asked a barman the same question. " He went next door" said the barman. "I remember him because he tried to get on the bike with a fishbowl".
15 bars later at the end of the strip the barman told us he sped off into the woods. We walked into this woods and we found the quad in a ditch upside down.The last day of the holiday. It was fine other than a bent grill but only €200 was taken from deposit but we were all worried.
So many other things happened on that holiday that I will probably write a part two on Flood. He drank the whole week and did not sleep once. He was a wreck at the end of it. My girlfriend collected us at the airport. Flood was shivering in the back.
"What's up with him", she asked me.
"He's fine" I said. "Just get him back home fast"
We were mad to hand him over. It was like leaving a baby on someones doorstep wrapped up in a blanket.
Brendan got out and helped Flood out of the car. He rang the doorbell and hopped back into my car. "Go" he said. Not even a goodbye.
Two minutes later a phonecall.
"What's up with Flood? He's lying on the floor in the living room talking gibberish. We think there is something seriously wrong with him".
"He's fine" I said. "He just needs a good kip"
We found out the day after they had called an ambulance for Flood after he got pains in his chests. The paramedics rushed upstairs preparing to treat a man with a heart condition only to be met by Flood with his hand out to shake theirs. His pain had subsided and he got out his wallet and asked the paramedics how much he owed them. I never feared for my life before and that holiday was the first and last time I wanted to. I don’t know how he is still alive. I never went on holidays with a mentalist again.
Sláinte
Blanchy
