Today I feel a little bit sad and tired, not physically tired but mentally, this year has been a long and hard road and at this point I cannot help feeling like this. I used to live all by myself and then I just couldn’t anymore due to the crisis, the famous crisis; I tried several things in order to keep working and living, sacrificing a few things in order to achieve better results, like when you invest in the long term you know? But things not always go as planned and when that occurs too often there’s a moment in which you just feel like giving up, you get angry with the world and then just sad.
This year I have passed from having a real job to depending on the internet to survive, the prices were getting higher and higher every time plus more electricity and water cuts. It’s been almost a year since the last time I had a proper internet connection, I started posting in here through my smartphone, it was very difficult since the phone got too slow sometimes, then I got pretty nice rewards and I bought a pen drive modem for my laptop and I used it just to work, so no more movies, no more music and no more series, I “sacrificed” all that just thinking it wasn’t too necessary.
As the prices were getting higher the pen drive modem was getting hard to pay, my experience here was really nice but I wasn’t getting enough money, and as the very anxious person I am I just started worrying and freaking out a little bit, I didn’t like my situation and was having a hard time, I was depressed and inside of the “existential vortex” as I usually call it, I wasn’t eating properly because of the water and electricity cuts situation and also some issues with my landlady. So I just had some ideas, I decided to leave the city in order to look for a better internet connection to do more things on the internet and improve my earnings and experience here on Steem, because this is all about the connections you make and how much you enjoy this community rather than just the money, and usually the people who let themselves enjoy this as the social network it is get more money than the people who just think about the money and not the social part of this; I have never been good at socializing and in fact I dislike people in general but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, I’m just an introverted, and I think it’s not easy to succeed in whatever you want to achieve if you don’t feel good with yourself and the place you are, if you don’t have the proper tools to do the things in a proper way. I wanted a better internet connection to get fully involved with this so that if I just post a pic of my cat it will get upvoted by the right people that may know me at least a little bit and think I deserve to be rewarded because of that, even if the post is just a single picture with no text; because this is how all this works, this was made by humans and humans work like this, it’s ok.
I went to visit my brother in another city in order to ask if I could live there and use his wifi connection, but it didn’t go as I planned since he had some issues at his place and the internet wires got stolen, so I had to abort that mission. Then I just moved back to my parent’s in hometown and started saving money in order to leave the country, thanks to these guest posts and not paying rent and stuff I have collected some of the money I need to leave; that’s the good thing, the bad thing is that I still have no internet, I still cannot communicate properly and there’s no signal or an internet company that is able to install a connection here. I’m still depressed since I cannot get a nice distraction, I don’t like TV and I have no friends here. I feel no one really has an idea of how frustrated I feel, how sad or mentally tired I am, and even how ashamed I feel for telling this, I feel so broken in so many ways that I don’t really know how to express and I don’t even want to. I have a friend in another country so right now I’m just waiting for the moment I have enough money to leave. I just had a fight with my parents due to things from the past and some differences we have and I needed to lighten myself a little bit, so that’s why I wrote all this and hopefully nobody will read it.
If you did thanks for doing so and I hope you don’t criticize this as much as the people that will do. Empathy is everything.
