Much of who we become is imprinted in us when we are young, either through our environment or our own personal blue print (our astrological natal birth chart) My mother is prime example of an emotional Cancerian, this emotion that star sign cancers have is very touching but in the shadow aspects, a burden and when the emotion stands in the way of the person being able to live their life fully, there is a problem, I don't think it helped me much that she also had a scorpion moon and the ability to sting me with her emotional roller coaster personality made growing up around her difficult for me. My mother was very emotionally immature person, who would throw tantrums and let her emotions get the better of her for all the wrong reasons, she also suffered with depression and spent a lot of the day in bed.

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As someone who feels others emotions quite easily, I always felt that her negative feelings were directed it at me and it didn't help some of the things she said to me like 'I wish you were never born!' would really make me feel emotionally wounded. I'm not trying to blame my mum for the emotions I feel now but I'm in no doubt that a lot of my own emotional immaturity and depressive tenancies as I was growing up were enhanced by these early memories and in combination with my own personal blue print

They say we choose the family we are born into, to learn important life lessons, funny that my father was the opposite who doesn't allow his emotions to get the better of him, it's not like he was cold or indifferent just that he would try to stay active and positive, he also doesn't like getting angry unlike my mum who would get angry at a drop of a hat, but if he gets pushed too far finally he would show his anger. These traits do very much correspond to his astrological sign that we both share, Taurus, being down to earth and placid, like a grazing cow until they get triggered and become a charging bull.

Of course I gravitated towards my fathers energy more (being more like my own) and Identified myself more with him than my mother when I was growing up. But unlike my father and more like my mother anger was something that came easily to me and I still find it most difficult to control it to this day. I'm very aware that my anger is of a different sort to my mother's which would make no sense to me, hers comes from a place of feeling and mine anger came from being 'fired' up due to having a hell of a lot of planets in the sign of Aires ruled by the planet mars (action, aggression, anger, and survival.)

I hear people say there is a good anger, but when I blow up, it's not good for me, okay we all will feel anger but it's how we use it and react to it that matters. As an angry youth I was extremely self destructive that would lead to my undoing time and time again. I would get in trouble at school, loose friends, loose jobs, piss my family off and basically alienate myself from the world at the same time needing friendships and connections, I try my best to hold on to my friendships but at some point there would be an argument of some sort that would lead to my separation from them.

I was harboring a lot of pain not just my own but all the pain I absorbed from the world around me. I never realized how sensitive I was, I considered my self hard, being a city child and instead of showing tears, I would start fights, or break my things, smoke cigarettes and generally misbehave but there came a point in my early twenties were I ended up crying a lot, it was something I needed to do and it felt a relief to release those emotions but I did it alone. It's interesting to note that during that time I was having two major Saturn transits the first being around 2009 - 2012 when Saturn transited my twelfth house (house of unconscious) and my ketu (south node) and then when it move into Scorpio and transited my first house (house of self) until 2015. At the beginning of this transit I experimented with a lot of drugs and some of the times were the best of my life because I could escape the person who I was, I was the life and soul of the party and would surround myself with many people and felt at the same time very lonely and suffered from serotonin fall outs when the party was over, which would make me cry like I said I kept my tears to myself.

I thought something was wrong with my personality, I thought I had bi-polar but when I started getting back into my childhood interest in astrology around 2013, I discovered I had a Gemini moon sign and a lot of stuff started making sense. Our moon sign represents our subconscious reality and can also be where some of our shadow aspects rear their ugly head. I had to learn how to love the two faces of my self and basically work on managing my the over-active, hyper active energy of my Gemini, switching between lows and highs faster than a blink of an eye

Becoming more conscious and aware of my emotions helped me to balance, being more active in my passions helps me to focus on the things I need to do rather than if I'm feeling sad or happy.
I noticed changing my diet worked wonders to subdue my restlessness, switching to a diet that's cruelty free, sugar free and caffeine free keeps me much more balanced. I really do think when we consume food that has come from a place of suffering we are consuming that energy and it also manifests in us, we absorb stress, we become stressed. I also noticed certain food like chili can make me blow up over tiny things. Doing simple meditations and breathing help to calm the mind, I also use weed from time to time, to chill out, I've no doubt it rewires your brain cells, so someone who's a control freak like myself can chill out. Focusing on the details and being a perfectionist can be really useful but focusing on too much can also make a person really stressed. Everything we do in this world is about finding a balance, including when it comes to our emotions, i don't think we can fully be in control of them but we can help them not to spiral out of control or be out of balance. Emotions are healthy and we need them for a reason, I think for basic survival purposes. but also emotions give us a richness to our experience of life and I really hate it when people say 'your being emotional' like emotions are a bad thing, because they are not, they are healthy normal and necessary!