I bet I got your attention with that title, eh?

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Obviously, no one in the world actually thinks that puppies suck. That's just the title of my latest sketch for the PLAYHOUSE. It's part of a series called Animals Suck...

Check Out These Old Animals Suck Sketches!

And now... as you all cringe in horror...

I present PUPPIES SUCK, a comedy sketch to be performed LIVE tonight on the PLAYHOUSE! Be there! Or don't, we're pretty weird.

Animals Suck - "Puppies Suck"

by Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

GUS
FLUFFY

NARRATOR
In the Smithburg’s garage, a pile of crudely arranged cardboard and newspapers covers the back corner. There, an exhausted golden retriever is napping soundly, oblivious to the uproars of her litter. The tiny puppies paw and nip relentless at their mother, each groping for a spot at one of those milk dispenser things. Meanwhile, on the other side of the garage, the largest of the puppies (who has already fully opened his eyes) has taken the runt of the litter aside to… make sure they get off on the right paw. Let’s listen in.

SOUND FX - PUPPIES YIPPING

GUS
Alright, little guy. Pay attention!

FLUFFY
What’s goin’ on? Where’s Mama?!

GUS
She’s over there, don’t worry about her. You’re gonna have to learn to look out for yourself.

FLUFFY
But I’m only a few hours old!

GUS
So am I, you don’t see me complaining! Look, I can do a backflip!

SOUND FX - CRASH + YELP

GUS
So I guess I can’t do a backflip… yet.

FLUFFY
I would never have tried that.

GUS
That’s the difference between you and me, little dude.

FLUFFY
What do you mean?

GUS
That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I waited until Mama dozed off, then brought you over here for some privacy.

FLUFFY
What’s privacy?

GUS
Nevermind. I’m the Alpha Dog.

FLUFFY
Whoa. So you’re like the chosen one?

GUS
Kind of. Really it just means I’m bigger than you.

FLUFFY
Are you?

GUS
You’ll see, once your little eyes open up.

FLUFFY
For now I guess I’ll just take your word for it.

GUS
As the Alpha, I’m the strongest. I’ll be the best at sports.

FLUFFY
What sports do dogs play?

GUS
Shut up! I’ll get the most food.

FLUFFY
That doesn’t make sense.

GUS
Makes sense to me. I’m the biggest and the strongest, so I get the most food. Then I can get bigger and stronger! There’s no stopping me! Mwahhaah!!

FLUFFY
Wouldn’t we want to give more food to the smaller pups, so that they can… catch up?

GUS
No! Then the strongest wouldn’t get stronger.

FLUFFY
Whatever you say. You have a name yet?

GUS
You can call me Gus. Or sir.

FLUFFY
Is that what Mama calls you?

GUS
No! I just like it! So it’s my name!

FLUFFY
Cool. So what’s my name?

GUS
I was actually discussing this with some of the others. It was down to either Fluffy or Peepee… we decided on Fluffy.

FLUFFY
Gosh, I’m glad you didn’t pick the other one.

GUS
Some of us wanted to, but you’re just too damn fluffy.

FLUFFY
Yeah, I noticed that when we were in a pile earlier.

GUS
Listen up, Fluffy, because I’m only gonna give you advice this one time.

FLUFFY
Why only this one time?

GUS
Because I’m the alpha, and you’re the runt. I can’t be seen helping you out. I’ve got a position to maintain.

FLUFFY
What’s a runt?

GUS
It’s what you are!

FLUFFY
Why?

GUS
Because you’re so scrawny, because you came out last, you ask too many questions!

FLUFFY
Sorry, go ahead.

GUS
Listen up, I’m only gonna give you advice this once. The fluffy thing is pretty much all you’ve got going for you. You must always use it.

FLUFFY
What do you mean?

GUS
It is the puppy way to use cuteness to attain anything we desire. For at least the first year, we’ll get away with anything and the people will never stop paying attention to us.

FLUFFY
You’re saying my fluffiness is what makes me cute?

GUS
Yeah, you’re getting it quicker than I thought you would, runt.

FLUFFY
Am I still gonna have to fight my way up to Mama’s milk dispenser things?

GUS
Oh yeah, and you’ll probably go hungry a lot at first. You see, the cuteness thing doesn’t work with the other puppies.

FLUFFY
That’s a shame.

GUS
Yep. Only the people will think you’re cute. But that’s okay, they usually have the best food anyway.

FLUFFY
Okay, Gus. Sounds good. Life is crazy. Can you show me back to Mama now?

GUS
No, but I’d be happy to pee on you and leave you here.

FLUFFY
Gee, that’s rude.

GUS
What are you gonna do? And… all done. Okay, see you later Fluffy!

FLUFFY
Okay. Gus! One more thing!

GUS
What’s that?

FLUFFY
Am I a boy or a girl?

GUS
Beats the hell outta me! Let us know when you figure it out!

FLUFFY
Life is crazy.

SOUND FX - PUPPIES YIPPING

NARRATOR
Eventually, the runt found its way back to the litter on the other side of the cavernous garage, where there were sadly no teats left for it to suckle. The upbringing of the litter went much as Gus had predicted. Fluffy always had a hard time with the other puppies, but the human children always loved him (it turned out to be a him) the most. When finally the puppies all went their separate ways, Fluffy found himself with a loving family that ate lots of ham. Their only other pet was a guinea pig, and it was so little and weak… needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway. Fluffy bullied the crap out of that guinea pig. Always remember, puppies suck.

The end.