Why I always say that-
I have never been asked before, so neither I pondered on exactly "why I say that often"!To explain your curiosity, thought about writing in brief but as a whole!
It is just the feeling with backed up by lots of subtle yet significant facts and acts.
Okay, here is 2 examples to clarify both sides of the coin!
1.
When I was in my middle school, there was this one girl with whom I would go to school, cram school, private tuition, almost everywhere & come home together!
Because her home was in between my home and schools. She was the top student in our class, from the beginning till the end of our high-school years.
Even in college, though we got chance in different public colleges which are far away from our home, we still managed to pace up and catch up with each other whenever there was a chance!
She had a friend-circle in school & college, but I not part of that.
And I was very familiar with the friend-circle as we were in the same class and they were very nice to me.
But by all means I can tell they do not count me as one of them, neither does she.
Why I thought so?
Those indications were very subtle, but as sharp intuitional I am, I caught up.
Like, they did not save a sit for me in school or tuition if I was late, wouldn't wait for me to have lunch together, and they'd their own little secrets that I didn't know and they visited each others houses. Most importantly celebrated/wished in birthdays... just like friends.
And when I caught up in those moments, things became awkward for us.
And also sad for me.
Also confusing!
Back then I was just a teen, and as 90's kid, we were not very smart-ass type like recent teen kids!
That half-friend thing was so exhausting and I wanted to stop.**
I'd try to distance myself but then she will not allow it either!
Because when she asks, "why I am avoiding her!"
I could not say "Ohh you know, because I am your friend but you are not my friend!" Eventually, we went back to our normal routine!
We were like those fallen marriage, no love or compassion, but cannot leave each other only to have a symbiotic relation!
2.
So it can be said that I did not learn in my life "How to make friends!"
It seemed a more complicated and difficult than calculus! So, down the road I just stopped expecting and trying for being/having a friend!
Thus, I became a lone-she-wolf, very comfortable inside of her own world and it was not even cold without any external warmth!
However, in my university life, I got this own friend-circle, that was truly mine!
Be it giving proxy in the morning classes, copying assignments, eating and roaming around together...everything that any usual friend-circle would do.
And even if I wanted to skip sometimes, they would never let me off the hook!
And I realized...
Uhh! I see! So that is how it feels to belong somewhere or having friends!
But...Yeah sorry to disappoint you... but not a happy ending!
I realized, I have become a very different person since I was in high-school.
But by then, I had became accustomed of keeping, doing everything all by myself.
I like being alone and do not get too involved where I might get hurt.
I am nice to everyone but always draw a line at a certain point.
And mostly I found there is more to life than study for stable career or boyfriend/husband/children!
Hence, the way I think, talk, do seems very complicated, beyond comprehension to them. They are border line normal people.
They fail to process, my normal ideologies, ways of living, doing, saying things most of the time!
But as they sincerely consider me as a friend, I cannot be heartless or rude to continuously push them!
Henceforth, I stop being honest and only let them see what they want to see me as.
In that process, before I could realize, I found myself I laugh, sit, talk, eat, do homework... with everyone!
Like if today with A, tomorrow with B, the other day with C...!
And as I grew up without anyone to call truly, literally a friend, I thought having no friend does not really matter.
I used to think, maybe I am too complicated, or too unapproachable or... I don't know.
Which is why, everyone gets friend except me!
I understood that it is not ME who deliberately blocks the road to reach me out.
And then I stopped taking care of one sided friendships, and treat everyone equally without any exception.
Because having so many friends around you yet no one is your friend is lonelier than being alone.
Though because I cannot stop being nice and cannot be harsh even if I do not want to, I end up being called "friend" almost anyone and everyone who is "connected" to me from a common ground!
All the contents are mine, until it's mentioned.