William Southold | Opinion Columnist | The Southold Report
I am a Fake Newsman. I make up stories, write them down, then post them. I report Fake News. Simple as that.
I am almost the direct opposite of a Real Newsman (or News Woman) who works tireless hours to research their stories and bring them to you fact checked. I do not pretend to have the tenacity of a Jim Acosta, or the simple elegance of a Eugene Robinson. I do research, to be sure, but it is only to find things I can satirize, or at least try to. I label my stuff Fake News, just so there is no confusion. Totally Fake, that’s my bread and butter.
But, alas, confusion between Fake News and Real News remains, and the most confused among us appears to be our president. He is constantly labeling Real News as Fake, and accepts Fake News as Real. He works hard to convince other people of this. And he succeeds, certainly more often than he should.
But it is in this sad state of affairs I find my mission: to educate the public, and hopefully eventually the president himself, as to the difference between Real and Fake News. A fools errand? Perhaps.
I mention the public first, but let me say a word about the primary target of my stories (completely fake, may I remind you) - our president. He is 73, and fully capable of learning from his mistakes, I believe. I am older, and I try my best to learn from my own mistakes, and believe it is essential to do so. Some days it seems I am hip deep in them, although not often. But mistakes are the golden nuggets of learning, and are to be treasured, respected, and inspected for their educational bounty. Applying what you have learned from mistakes limits them in number, and is a surefire way to increase them in value, especially as teachable moments passed on to others.
I have heard that our president does not like to admit his mistakes, and some say he notices them less than a flea on a bull elephant. But I believe he can not be the dunderhead his sometimes panicked, incoherent babbling makes him out to be. There is hope, still, for the education of the most reluctant.
At any rate, I plan to continue my quest. I am right now working on a story that posits our president has fired his entire campaign reelection staff and is replacing them with the greatest Twitter gurus he can find, in hopes that he can surpass Obama in Twitter followers. Only then, he thinks, can he finally put an end to the misbelief that Obama was born in Hawaii.
When I asked our CNS White House correspondent if this could possibly be true, she said, “Oh yes, the word is he’s working with Putin on it, it’s almost a done deal.”
“Do you have a backup on that, sounds a little fishy,” I said.
“Not yet, I’m working on it. But you know how it is, if we wait too long we might get scooped by one of his self own presidential tweets,” she answered.
See, totally fake. And I am proud to have brought it to you.
Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold
(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)
(Image from axios.com)