What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
There's a year in my undergraduate life, the internship is compulsory to complete my degree journey. I got a chance to be sponsored to have my research based internship in a well-known university which is POSTECH in Pohang, located at a small town in South Korea (S.K.). I was very excited because the university is the top ranked university in S.K. and 11th and 12th in QS university rankings. I was thinking this placement will surely great enough to create an impactful curriculum vitae in real soon future.
I still remembered that I dyed my hair before I departed from my home country so I look like one of the Koreans ("blend with the culture"). I surveyed and researched on Korean language, food and hot trends. It literally became my motivation and reason for my heartbeat at that period of time.
Could you imagine how excited I was?
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The good thing is I was not alone, I went to Korea with one of my friends, who was my university roommate for 4 years. Her character and personality are totally opposite of me, she does not talk much with me until the extend we barely to have conversation for everyday. On contrary, I am sociable and chatty type. I like to express myself and I could not hide my feeling well. I know somehow in your life, there are a few people you just could not get close with, so it's okay and it's pretty normal. So I did not expect much from her as I have accepted her super quiet and cool personality.
To give you a picture on how quiet is our room, well, you could only hear the fan spinning sound from outside of our room.
Despite all these, I still invited her to go with me as I knew she wanted to go to overseas for the internship, but she could not because she was bonded with government scholarship. And she was my roomate for 4 years, maybe we will have fun and exciting moment in S.K., this is what I thought.
Who knows..maybe she never treated me as her friend
Fast forward the story, the first few months in S.K. we are quite fine with each other until there is a guy who show fancy on her, she drifted away from me. She left the dormitory secretly after midnight when I was about to sleep, but I actually knew she was leaving ....She started to distant from me, and she escaped all the eyes contact to avoid the chance of starting any conversation. This made my heart broken even we are actually not that close, but I thought we could at least be accountable and reliable for each other in S.K. I was feeling very upset and disappointed to her, I felt like she was taking advantage of me to go to S.K. then she dumped me alone in a foreign country.
Frankly speaking, I felt betrayed by the friend that I put trust with. I regretted on bringing the wrong person with me in S.K. I cried to sleep, I escaped from seeing her as well, which I think it would be the best solution for both of us at that period of time. It would be better than seeing each other as transparent in the two person room.
Since then, we were no longer together in a same place, either she or me will avoid the awkwardness. After a long period of frustrated friendship, I felt stuck, overwhelmed and emotional breakdown.
Yea, why not resolve it? Ok..(with whole the hatred and sourness)
In one day, I wanted to resolve so I tried to find a suitable time to talk to her. However, the result is not as good as my expectations. She is a question and answer machine, she answered what I asked. The hope to get my doubts clear killed me as I actually asked very general questions by hoping that she could share with me more about what she was thinking. I was being extra careful and cautious on asking questions because I do not know her tolerance level, no one knows if she gets offended very easily. This is how far our relationship is, because she does not share much about her with me , I really do not know her well. As expected, she did not open up to share her feeling to me. (I was really directionless on this friendship..)Our friendship turns sour, it hurts..
"I am being cold depends on who I am dealing with." ~This harsh words came from her mouth terrified me and left me blank. It pierced my heart like a sharp blade. I was clueless on what did I do wrong or offend her. She left me in the dark. Our relationship gets more tense and cold as ice. At a point, Korean asked me "Are you two friends? Why you two don't talk?". My heart was aching because I wanted to know the reason as much as they do. It got me more hurt when the Korean asked me instead of ask her, I felt like I was to put on the blame in this relationship. It could not be my fault as I talk to anyone but she acted cold like an answer machine when she was talking to me, a clear hint that she never wants to talk with me.
YES, I was heartbroken, more to in despair, exhausted and dried out.
I was very bitter at how she treated me which I thought she should have treated me nicer on the placement. I could not describe more about how she acted double-sidedly in front of me and Koreans. She was very talkative and chatty who is just like me, but she was another person when we were alone. I realized she did not treat her other friends as the way she treated me, only ME (shouted loud in my heart with all the question mark: WHY??!). At that moment, I was wondering "What on earth is this person who I have been staying with over the past 4 years? I have never seen this sociable type of her, but why did she "act" up in front of me to show she is an introvert type of person?". All the questions popped up in my mind.
YES, it is a very painful and sorrowful life experience for me in a foreign country. At one point, after a few years back, I started to realize I should never put someone as my anchor in my life even I am feeling lonely in overseas. You will only get hurt badly if you put your hope high. I realize that I could have better S.K. experiences if I did not put too much concern on our one-sided relationship. Therefore, I learnt to let go of this unhealthy frienship, because she does not even care. I only killed myself if I am not able to let go.
Things I have learnt
1. Learn to let go and accept it.
I accepted the pain experience and the hurt she gave me, even those words are still vividly carving in my head. Nobody will understand the pain she had caused. I was full of hatred, kept complaining on her wrongdoings. I lost my focus in my life but I focus on her wrongdoings, this is very sad and destructive. But I also know nothing I could ask for more in this situation, "Relationship is always two ways, you could not do it alone unless the other half wants to work on it too."
2. Learn to forgive.
After wrestling with myself for quite a long time with all the torturing and sufferings, I knew the only thing I can do is to forgive and let go. I believe this was the greatest time that my forgiving ability have been greatly challenged up to now.
Sometimes, we do not know why we are being treated badly by others, we cried over on the hurts and continued to blame the person. And, it comes back to the same place. What I have learnt is that "Whatever people-situation that you are having now, embrace it, as the longer you focus on a frustrated relationship, the worst it will lead you. Take a step back, give yourself a refresh period, distract yourself from the problem itself then gain a newlook on looking on the issue. "
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3. Being in relationship is like flying a kite. "The tighter you hold, the lower it will fly; the more you let go, the more risk you have tangled kite string or to stuck in a tree."
It means we could not control everything as we want and could not just let go as if like we do not care in the relationship. Honestly, we all need our personal space and time, even couples, this is certainly true. Indeed, giving personal time and space is a must in a healthy relationship. In brief, moderation is the key.
Does relationship hurt?
Yes, it hurts sometimes, perhaps, it is life experiences to build us up and know our weaknesses better.
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Since then, I gained my new perspectives on come and go friendships instead of being stubborn with the hope that we could get better. I put my focus on the people who love and care about me, I cherish them, I invested my time and effort on the right relationships. I learn how to respect and love them within a safe boundary to avoid things go wrong.
Do not get me wrong. I do not mean I love conservatively, but instead be a real self to them, that is how the relationship last.
I am more generous in giving love and flexible in a way in dealing with people.Last but not least, staying in foreign language country, we are not only have to be mentally strong but also have to be more engaging with the locals, that's the main point of living in foreign country.
The better is you are with a good friend who you can count on so that you could have someone to listen to you when you are depressed.
~I believe most of my friends have heard of my personal sharing on this. Thank you for those who listened and motivated me during that period of the lowest point of my life. ~
My Life Experiences
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