Fear And Gloom

Yesterday I wrote a blog about how I was looking for bright spots on dark days. So as you may have guessed, yesterday was a pretty tough day for me. The morning started with a major mental breakdown. You know how it is, those moments when everything seems to be too much and the world comes at you like a huge avalanche of fear and gloom. And at those moments I call my sister in tears. My partner was at work so I couldn't bother him, my sister was at home and she knows me like no other. Unfortunately, these depressive feelings are not foreign to me. I've said that before too. But let me say, I haven't had it as bad as yesterday in years. It was so bad that my sister worriedly suggested that maybe I should start taking anti-depressants again. But that wasn't in my plan. I've had plenty of experience with this in the past. And let me suffice to say that I think it's great for people who achieve something with it. But it's not my thing. I don't want to fall into depression, be paralyzed by fears, and feel down all day long. No, certainly not, but I don't want to go back to those days when I felt like a zombie, without any emotion or passion.

CBD Oil

So, yesterday, after bothering my sister, then scrolling around uselessly on the internet and staring stupidly into space, I went to walk the dogs. Then I decided I could have a cup of tea, and then suddenly I saw it. There was an empty bottle of CBD oil on the counter. We bought that stuff to support Lana for the tumor that was hurting her. When I saw that, I started looking around on the internet. And now it turns out that this stuff can not only help with physical complaints but also against anxiety and depression. When I read that I went to take a look because I thought we had to have one or two more bottles. Unfortunately, Lana is no longer there, she no longer needs it. But I can get it myself! What I know is that Lana wouldn't have minded sharing it with me either, it certainly helped her until it couldn't anymore, hopefully it will help me now too.

I Feel A Little Better

Now, I didn't expect that after just one day I would immediately feel like a different person. But surprisingly, I feel a little better today than yesterday. Those suffocating fears and that deep, dark gloom that knocked me out yesterday, I didn't experience that today. It seems a little less intense. So so far, so far, so good.

Long Time Since

It's been a long time since I felt like this. The last time I felt this desperate was during the deepest depression I've ever gone through. Unfortunately for 2.5 years. Fortunately, things seem to be getting better faster this time. If I still had doubts about CBD, this convinced me to continue taking CBD oil for the time being. And no, I don't fill up straight away, I keep the dosage very low now as recommended, 1 drop in the morning, 1 drop with dinner, and 3 drops just before going to sleep. And I have to say, last night I fell asleep easier than I had in a long time. And I was also able to sleep well, even having trouble getting up!

Gratefulness

Fortunately, there are always bright spots, even on the darkest days. Today I finished the pyrography piece I started yesterday. And of course, Skipper and Myla always put a smile on my face. In addition, I am grateful for my partner and the fact that we have a roof over our heads, even with the housing shortage in the Netherlands.

Learning To Control My Thoughts

I'm trying to get out of that negative spiral. One of the things I've read is to find things you're grateful for. So here I am, grateful for little things like smiles from my pets and the roof over our heads. I still have to learn to change my negative thoughts, but I'm doing my best! Let's just call that a work in progress until I get a better handle on it!

Rowan

It may be a short blog today, but better than nothing, right? And because I miss Rowan on days like that, I added a photo of him, (and Lana), to my blog. It reminds me that there is always something to look back on and smile at.