All the noise (freewrite) #10

'I can't deal with all this discord in the house, baby,' his mother cried, as she barged into his room. He always got a terrible headache telling his mother to leave, it made him feel guilty. After all, he saw her, so very lonely, so desperately in need. And the only thing she needed seemed to be him. Who else did she have to come to?
He shoved his notebook deep down in the bottom drawer and swiveled around to meet her. She stood in the doorway, her small frame shaking with frustration.
'What's the matter, mother?' he tried to sound patient, just like he always did. And he managed it, just like usual, he never could bring himself to be angry at his mother. For what? Interrupting him? That was a laugh, what was there to interrupt? She was one of the reasons he'd gotten into the diary thing, to begin with, so maybe if he could fix what was wrong in the house – if he could put an end to all the discord, maybe he could stop writing.
'The noise, sweetie, I can't think in all this...' she gestured around her. It was only then that he understood what she meant.
For a second, Jonathan had thought she was talking about his father, the constant feeling of unease whenever his old man was around, the fact that they somehow never went anywhere together. In his whole twelve years, they'd never gone anywhere, not once. Not on vacation, not even to the store. But of course, his mother didn't mean that discord, because his mother never meant that discord. She never spoke about it.

He got up and turned down the music. Even he didn't know what was playing – some angry screaming that covered the noise in his mind.
'Sorry, Mum,' he mumbled.
This should've been her cue to leave, but instead she sat down on his bed, not bothering to close the door. After all, who was going to hear them?
'I've been thinking, Jonathan, and I...I was wondering, what would you say if we went somewhere? You know, just the two of us, for something like a...trip? A vacation, how 'bout that, like we used to when you were small?'
The boy eyed his mother with suspicion. He'd seen this moment coming, although he'd hoped it would not. He hadn't even written about it in his diary. Nowhere, in the past six months, had he used or even thought the word 'divorce', as if that could keep it from happening. But how could his parents divorce, they weren't even married...
'Go where, Mum?' he tried to keep a steady voice. This didn't mean anything, he tried to tell himself.
'Maybe we could go live somewhere else?Like in a different city or somewhere...Maybe we could go back home.'
'But this is home.'
'Honey, you know that before you were born, me and your dad actually met in another city? Maybe we could go live there for a while.'
'Mum, what about Dad?'
She'd been trying to play the mother card, to seem sweet, yet in charge. It was something she'd never been good at. It was always just the two of them and given her youth, she'd been more like a big sister, rather than a mom.
'Johnnie, I really tried, I swear. It's just...your father's so sad and I can't do this anymore, I just can't try to break through to him anymore.'
So, he'd been wrong, she finally wanted to talk about what was wrong. At first, Johnnie had always been embarrassed when his parents fought, both in public and at home. He'd been mortified at the idea of talking about the issues at home, but he'd learned that the only thing worse was the suffocating silence. Pretending like everything was as it should be, when it clearly was not.
Johnnie thought his answer over, carefully. He wanted to say yes, let's go. He would've done anything to get away. But his mind was flooded by images of his father, sitting dejected, staring into space. His father crying in his sleep, on the couch.
He was already a broken man, Jonathan had no doubt about that, but what would happen to him if they left?
'Mom, we can't go,' he said slowly.

'You're free to go,' Luke said, not looking up, 'anywhere you like. And you're free to take him with you.'
He glanced at his son, who was staring at him, speechless.
Cherry didn't seem to know quite what to say, either. She'd been telling herself that Johnnie was right, that they couldn't do this. How could she ever think about it?

And she'd almost gotten it out of her head, but she'd just sat there, looking at him, begging him for an answer, for a reaction to the life they were supposed to be living together. She was just so tired of being locked in with a ghost.
Cherry'd long given up on the idea of saving him, of turning his life around. She understood she didn't have the power to do that. Maybe nobody did. But she had to do something, to shake him out of it and she'd hoped this would do it. That the thought of them leaving would move him, in some direction.
'What?'
'You should go. I'm a horrible father. I know that, baby, don't think I don't. I know I've done nothing but cause you both immense pain. You should go.'
'But I...Luke,' all the fight had now gone out of her. She couldn't believe he was doing this. 'Luke, we're supposed to be together,' she whispered. 'You know that, you...'
'I found you, yes, and I should've let you go that night. Maybe. Maybe I shouldn't have come looking for you, to begin with.'
'But your mother...' she was barely speaking now.
'My mother was wrong. There was no my mother to begin with, at least I don't think. I think she was just a figment of my twisted, fucking mind. Don't you?'
Johnnie knew the story of how his parents met well, he'd heard it from both, at various times in his life, and at various stages of sobriety for them. And despite it all, he still believed in it. He really thought that maybe his grandmother had really shown up to bring the two of them together. Somehow, the idea of someone else approving of their life made it seem like less of a sham.
'She knew my name,' Cherry said, playing with one of her many rings, and trying to hide the tears from her voice.
'Subconscious 's all it was, baby, who knows why...'
'But we're meant to be together,' she broke down and in that moment, all three of them knew that she could never leave Luke, because deep down, she still believed that.
'Really?' Luke puffed, 'do you really think this was meant to be? We're not happy, we never were happy. How could you think this was meant to be? Nothing good has happened since we two met. Nothing. We've only hurt each other and him,' he threw a hand at Jonathan. 'We were never meant to be together. I'm sorry, but I think we would've both been better off on our own.'
Cherry opened her mouth, but said nothing. She didn't know what to say.
'Honestly, Cherry, why would you even think that any of this is meant to be? Because I had some stupid fucked-up dream? Well, yeah, that ain't much to go by, and what? You felt you were waiting for something to happen in your life? Well obviously, you know, don't mean to be rude or anything, but...in your position, you would, wouldn't you?'
And he wasn't trying to hurt her in any way, he truly believed what he was saying. That's what hurt the worst, she thought.
'We were never meant to be, Cherry, and it's taken me a long time to see this. But maybe this way, we can put a stop to all this misery.'

Two days later, Jonathan and his mother left the house for the very last time.

Thank you for reading,

Photos in this post are my own.