howdy folks and greetings from the Great Plains of North Texas!
This is purely a self-indulgent post I must admit. I have no idea if anyone
else would be interested in knowing how people used to insult each other
in the Old West, it's probably just me! Sounds rather juvenile doesn't it?
Nevertheless I AM curious so lets get started on some rude sayings!
callin someone ugly
He was uglier than a new-sheared sheep.
He has teeth so crooked he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
His face was puckered like wet sheepskin before a hot fire.
Her face looks like a dime’s worth of dog meat.
(whoa..that's just cruel! this is what a woman would say about another
woman)
He was ugly as a burnt boot.
He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.
He looked like the hindquarters of bad luck.
His lip hangs down like a blacksmith’s apron.
She’s so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.
(I don't know what a gut-wagon is and I don't want to know!)
He looks so bad his ears flop.
She’s so ugly, she’d make a freight train take a dirt road!
(those women were so mean to each other!)
He’s as ugly as homemade sin.
She’s so ugly she could bluff a buzzard off a meat wagon.
callin someone stupid
His brain cavity wouldn’t make a drinkin’ cup for a canary.
He couldn’t teach a hen to cluck.
He knows as much about it as a hog does a hip pocket in a bathing suit.
(does this make sense?)
His knife’s so dull it wouldn’t cut hot butter.
He don’t know dung from wild honey.
If all his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his nose.
He couldn’t cut a lame cow from a shade tree.
He couldn’t track an elephant in snow.
He was so dumb he couldn’t drive nails in a snowbank.
He’s as dull as dishwater.
He don’t know any more about it than a hog does a sidesaddle.
He is plumb weak North of his ears.
He can’t tell skunks from house cats.
He had a ten dollar Stetson on a five-cent head.
His family tree was a shrub.
(ha! a redneck joke!)
He couldn’t track a bed-wagon through a bog hole.
He didn’t have nuthin’ under his hat but hair.
He couldn’t hit the ground with his hat in three throws.
He was as shy of brains as a terrapin is of feathers.
here's a Terrapin:
usgs.gov
He can’t tell skunks for house cats.
callin someone lazy
He’s as slow as molasses in January.
He’s too lazy to yell “Sueee” in a pig pen.
He moves as slow as a crippled turtle.
He’s so lazy, molasses wouldn’t run down his legs.
misc insults
He didn’t have manners enough to carry guts to a bear.
He couldn’t hit a bull’s rump with a handful of banjos.
He was as drunk as a fiddler’s clerk.
(apparently fiddler's have clerks and they're drunk all the time!)
She’s as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
His mustache smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been
rid on a soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.
It was so dry the bushes followed the dogs around.
(what?)
Well that's it for today folks, I hope you found this a bit entertaining.
Is it my imagination or were they more colorful when they insulted
someone back then? Now it's just f you or you suck! lol. They truly
had expressions for everything!
God bless you all!
-jonboy Texas
the gentleman redneck
ps- ya know, you might just be a redneck if:
you think that Spam on a saltine cracker is an hors d'ouerve!