I was barely 9 when I fell in love with her, Lucy Smith. She stood in front of the class with her big glasses, hiding her bright blue eyes. Her gown of many colors, just like Dolly Parton's song 'coat of many colors', was beautiful as ever, and when she smiled and showed her braces, I couldn't help but exclaim.
"Woah, she's so beautiful!" The whole class heard and laughed at the sudden outburst.
I couldn't explain why I suddenly felt attached to her, why I couldn't stop looking at her in class; sometimes I get into trouble for it; I couldn't explain why I was so angry whenever she held hands with someone other than me; and why I fought with her friend when he hugged her. I couldn't explain why it hurt so much that she stopped talking to me. I couldn't know I was in love then because I never knew such a feeling existed, and my 9-year-old self didn't understand my feeling.
But that didn't stop me from throwing a letter of apology at her window. I became the modern Romeo, and she was my Juliet. I threw an apology letter, sometimes with candy or flowers, till I hit puberty, and that's when I realized I was in love with her.
And since we went to the same high school and had the same classes, it was easy to see her; her smile never changed in my eyes; it was like she was the only girl I could see, the only beautiful girl in the world. She still had her big glasses on and her braces too, but they never dimmed her beauty to me.
I was around 16 or 17 when she first responded to my apology letter, which she gave me at class, and the note said:
"Since you never gave up all these years, I'm going to give you a chance, Peter the stalker, and maybe forgive you for bullying my friend back then in kindergarten, so you must treat me out on a friendly date. Friday at 6."
Throughout the whole week, I couldn't stop smiling; I couldn't help it; the smile just never went away, and my friends knew how to butt into my business. But I never told anyone my little secret, maybe just my family, because they all knew how crazy in love I was for Lucy, and my parents were my biggest support; they even got close with Lucy's parents. Friday came slower than I imagined, but the wait was worth it. I stood in front of Lucy's house with a nervous wreak but managed to press on the doorbell, and there she stood, looking gorgeous as ever.
"Hi." I bite my inner cheek nervously.
"Hey." She responded softly. Our eyes locked on each other, and it felt like time stopped just to honor this moment. My heart was beating so fast that I could literally hear it. I don't know how she manages to steal my breath away without knowing it.
"You look really beautiful." I blurted.
And she smiled that smile that always made me think that she was too beautiful to be a human, her cheeks all flushed.
"Thanks; you don't look too bad yourself, Peter the stalker." And that got me laughing as she giggled.
We went to my favorite spot, where we ate McDonald's cheeseburgers and soft drinks. I wasn't so rich at that time. We talked like soulmates; we talked about things we never told anyone; she told me how she hated the dark, how she always had nightmares when it was dark; she told me she had a bucket list of things she wanted to do before she died; one was go on adventures and being a zoologist; she loved animals; she told me how she was a sucker for the Avengers; she even wanted her wedding song when she was walking to the altar to be the averager's song; I couldn't help but laugh at that part, but she was serious about it; she was obsessed with anime and had a whole bunch of lists of anime to watch. She also loved gaming like me, and she loved football and would love to play, but she sticks to being a cheerleader.
And at the end of the night, I found out we had a lot in common, and then we became best friends who vowed to have each other's backs. By the time we were done with high school, I found myself wanting to be her forever. And I was really happy when she accepted to be my girlfriend on our promo night, and that was how we shared our first kiss.
We got into different colleges, but at the same time, I was given a scholarship, and I had to move to Mexico. She was happy that I was going there to fulfill my dreams of being a professional footballer, but I was too scared to leave her alone. I didn't want to go so far as to lose her, so I proposed to her.
Yet she rejected three good times.
She told me she wanted me to explore and take my time, and if I saw no one to my taste, she would marry me. Only if she knew no one could ever suppress what I felt for her. I drove 10 hours every weekend to go see her, and every time I noticed she dyed her hair a different color from the last, I couldn't complain because she was still as beautiful as ever.
At my fourth visitation, I noticed she wasn't adding much weight and it looked like she rarely had enough sleep, so I devoted myself to cooking home-made meals for her, making sure she ate properly, and rested I also noticed she wasn't only scared of the dark but also of thunderstorms on rainy days, which I found really cute.
We got into a fight on my last visit, and the reason behind it all was because she refused my proposal to marry her. I felt rejected; I felt like I wasn't doing something right, and because of that, I didn't go home the next weekend. I didn't visit her, and if I knew, I wouldn't have made such a stupid decision.
I got an urgent call from my dad telling me to come home. He told me it was about Lucy, and I should come to the hospital. I drove as fast as I could, getting into the hospital. I saw my parents and Lucy's parents, her siblings, all in tears, and when I asked what was wrong, nobody could find in themselves to let me know what the problem was, so I took matters into my own hands and asked for Lucy's room, and that's when I saw the woman who kept my world from falling apart on intubation.
The doctors told me she had less than 3 hours to live. For the first time in my entire life, I had never been so confused as to stupor; I doubted every word that came out of the doctor's mouth. He told me she was suffering from a rare disease that was eating her brain cells and poisoning her blood cells. She was currently in the last stage of cancer, and no operation conducted on her could save her. He told me to go say my last goodbyes.
I wasn't just broken; I was destroyed inside and out. I couldn't stop the wave of shock rushing through my body as I walked towards her bed, staring at all the life support like they were foreign, like I was in the middle of a nightmare, and I really needed someone to wake me up because I was suffocating, I was breaking, and no one was out there to wake me.
I stare at her face, still beautiful as the day I fell in love with her, and here she was cheating me out of life, living me alone, and all I could ask was why?
WHY!!? WHY NOW!!!?, And my pains came like a flood through my tears; she was dying all this time, and I never knew—I was drowning out of my self-pity by a sudden movement, then I felt her hands reaching out to me. I reached out to her hand and held it in mine so close to my chest, feeling maybe just her touch could stop the pain aching there.
She reached out with her free hand to remove the oxygen concentrator, and I helped her take it off.
"Peter, my stalker." She smiled.
And the tears just came pouring; I had no control over my emotions after hearing her.
"Don't cry, Peter, please." Her voice was trembling, like she was crying too.
"Why?" I felt my legs giving up as I fell on my knees, holding onto her hand. It felt so unreal that she was going to die. "Why Lucy?, You promised, you promised never to leave me, you promised to tell me everything, you lied…why?"
"I'm sorry, Peter; I didn't want you to pity me." She said it so gently.
"Then what about me? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to live without you, Lucy? You were dying, and I never knew. God, I feel so stupid right now." My eyes were already so red, but still, I couldn't control my tears.
"I want you to live your life, Peter. I want you to learn how to live without me, please. I just want to spend my last minutes with you."
All those little things I didn't address when I first noticed them—the reason she refused my proposal wasn't because she didn't love me; it was because she was dying. Why she was losing weight and not getting enough sleep and why she kept changing her hair colors was because she was losing her hair. And I didn't notice.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby, for being such a horrible boyfriend." I sniffed, trying to control myself, as I wiped the tears coming out of my eyes.
She patted the side of the bed gently, asking me to lay down with her, and so I did, holding her close to my chest.
"You're not horrible, Peter; I am the horrible girlfriend who's leaving you alone." I shushed gently, telling her there was no need to blame herself. We stayed in silence for a few minutes. I could tell she was still breathing from the way she inhaled and exhaled gently.
"Peter, promise me you won't live in the past; I want you to get married, have kids, build a house on the side of the beach, and go on adventures, just," she paused, and I saw in her eyes so much sorrow, "live my dreams for me."
"Don't make me do this, please, Lucy."
"Please do this for me, Peter." She said it weakly, like she couldn't fight anymore. "Let's sing my favorite song together."
I inhaled slowly as I began the song called Nightcore by Tattoo Loreen.
I don't wanna go.
But baby, we both know
This is not the time.
It's time to say goodbye.
Until we meet again
This is not the end.
There will come a day when we find a way.
Violins playing and the angels crying
When the stars are aligned
Then I'll be there.
She gave up, breathing her last breath when we got to the part "until we meet again," but I kept singing till I felt numb, until I couldn't feel anymore, wishing this wasn't our reality, so I broke down, letting the sob out, but I didn't stop singing her favorite song.
I looked at Lucy's tombstone. It's been five years, and every year I make sure there are lights in the graveyard. Each grave had these little decorated lanterns, but Lucy's tombstone had the most light on it, with different colors coming out of the lantern just like her beautiful, colorful dress the first time I ever laid my eyes on her. I did this so she would never get afraid of the dark.
"Daddy, that stone has my name on it." My daughter Lucy pointed at the tombstone of my first love.
"Yes, baby, it does; she was so beautiful, just like you." I said this as my little girl giggled.
"There's so many lights here too, Dad." My son Lucian said: My kids reminded me of her a lot; the twins were just too smart. Sometimes I cry, knowing that this should have been her dream.
"Yes, you're right, Sonny. There should always be lights in the graveyard to help a special person.
see in the dark." I smiled sadly, but I was grateful for every moment I had with Lucy.
Until we meet again, your stalker