It's been days now, I still haven't been able to do anything tangible. It's been difficult to play splinterlands, engage on hive, reply to comments, shill the Blockchain on Twitter, or even engage in full, manual curation. The reason is that my ulcer episodes came back, this time, stronger and crazier making it difficult for me to even think or do anything. For me, anxiety, fear, or a little discomfort takes away my ability to create anything, because when my mind is not in perfect synch with my body, a certain discord. Normally when these episodes come, they happen as a result of a shift in my eating pattern, but I tend to notice that the episodes are getting worse with age, and even when I try to adjust my eating pattern and take my medications, still end up with unbearable pain throughout the day.
If you remembered, I told my story here about living with this rare niggling health condition. Surprisingly I've managed to stay off the hospital for close to 20 years of my life, that's over 80% of my life. When I was in my early 20s, I knew people who lived with a similar and even more serious version of this health condition, they were always in and out of the hospital. However, this wasn't the same for me. I worked 9 to 5 for close to 5 years, without going to the hospital. I even did extra jobs for extra pay, because I had to take care of my mother, throughout these periods, I didn't know where I found the mental fortitude to keep going.
Maybe it was because I was younger and toughened by the harsh family conditions I was exposed to. While this is the upside, I guess I couldn't escape the downside. When I get the malaria, the infections, and anemia, (which were inevitable) that came with it, it usually sidelines me for weeks. I've been sick on the job and lost countless jobs because I couldn't recover on time, I've dropped out of school on several occasions, hit reset, and begun anew, and when the crises and the illness return, it sends me back to the sideline. I necessarily didn't need to go to the hospital because my aunt was a nurse, she had gotten the medications that were suitable for me and I took them constantly.
Of course, I had parents who were ignorant of my condition, they went through a sort of divorce when I was fourteen, I was left in the cold for two years with my brother. Fortunately for my brother, he never inherited the SC gene traits from my parents and he was perfectly healthy, I hit a series of illnesses during this divorce, and that was when I taught I was going to die, but anything It felt like I would go under, I came back up and continue my life like nothing happened. So majorly, my parents became the reason why I fled and went to live with my aunt who was a nurse, she spotted my condition, but I was already 17 by then. I was angry and lived in denial of it till I was 23.
Life seemed to make no sense to me. Believe me, I was the guy with big dreams, I had dreams so big, I couldn't even fathom them myself. But firstly, I suffered a mental limitation as a result of my biological limitations. Surprisingly, my friends, coworkers, and the people who were close to me never knew I had this condition, all the bosses I had never known. I was afraid to lose opportunities, so I hid behind my mental strength. Oh, believe me, I had this mental fortitude. Even if my body was breaking apart, I always stay on the job. Because I had to get paid. My friends never noticed too, they just knew I was frequently sick, but when I came back, it used to look like nothing happened. I have undertaken very dangerous jobs to the detriment of my health situations.
There was this one time I felt like my heart would collapse. I took pain meds for over three weeks, while still working tasking jobs. It wasn't like these jobs paid huge money, but originally, we all know the situation in Nigeria, the unemployment seems to hit differently. Whether you're sick, blind, lame, or deaf, or with invisible health challenges, you'll have to pay and need money. There's no exemption. But my resolve was that if I died on the job, it would be better than wallowing in unemployment and lack. However, I never had to face an inferiority complex until I started dating. The dating phenomenon came with these crazy expectations. But, after my last relationship at 21, I stayed away completely.
There wasn't any use for it. Plus, you need money to build a relationship, since I couldn't offer any of that, I didn't think they were going to be the motivation for anyone to stay. Of course, women have come along the way, but I wondered if they'd stay if I told them what I was going through. My life was uncertain, certainly, there wasn't any need to involve anyone in all that uncertainty, because I became dependent on myself, I felt I was the only one who could carry my burden and no one else. Of course, my aunt has been the only one there, through thick and thin. The toxicity in my parents' marriage, lasted till they were both dead, but, I had already left them immediately after I left secondary school.
Staying with my aunt meant meds upon meds, the situation became more concerning as I aged, I couldn't do the things I could do when I was 18 or 19. But I never for one day needed to go to the hospital. I didn't know how I got the sustenance. I didn't even medicate heavily I think It was because I found the perfect medicine for my system, but it go on time, and I stopped taking any medications and all. The last job I took, left me ill for one month, and when I recovered, I just officially retired and my 9 to 5 days were over. Even with the limitations that came with my life, I still felt I could live a life of abundance some days, build a nice comfortable house and eventually enjoy my life.
This hasn't come without its challenges. There was a time I had to report to the HOD of the department of my school about my health because my project supervisor wanted to squeeze the life out of me with stress. She affirmed that I didn't look at what I was going through, but she softened the process for me. All my life, I've had to take the difficult process, because I liked proving to people that I was strong, I didn't want shortcuts, because I couldn't bear the long processes. Fast-forward to today, I still hit fatigue, the anemia still gets to me, and the most recurrent is the crazy stomach ulcer. It's become more frequent and more painful, I guess, it's probably because when one age, the immune system becomes less potent.
I've tried to rearrange my feeding schedules so as not to skip meals, in the past, the pain would disappear when I do this. But these days they don't. Eventually, they do, but it comes back quicker than I expected. I try to stay away from online assessments of my condition because they scare the living hell out of me. It's difficult to tap into the suffering out there, it shuts me off from the real world and sends me into the rabbit hole of hopelessness. Recently I started doing so again when my ulcer episodes began, and believe me, it's created this crazy fear inside of me once again. The main goal is to find another solution to these stomach episodes..... Of course, I'll be back again to flipping assets, looking for better ROI, creating solid content again, and planning for the future. Where I've come from is harder than where I'm heading to.
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