2018 ended on a low note. I wasn't feeling Christmas or New Year's and didn't feel like socializing much. I had just come back from an amazing trip to Peru, had experienced Machu Picchu, alpacas, and coca leaves and since being back felt low and disconnected. I felt kinda depressed and I wondered if my morning coca tea and chewing on coca leaves throughout hte day had changed the way my brain worked with serotonin.
Being Related
My friend was putting on a New Year's workshop to create intentions for 2019 (luckily, she was broadcasting it online so I could continue to avoid being with people). As I reflected back on 2018, I had was grateful that I had an amazing job that I loved and a drama-free life but was really feeling like something was missing: a partner. I created an intention for 2019 to become more related to people by creating a space for people to share, really listening to them, and getting into their world. Lurking in the background of this intention was a soft vision of finding a partner, maybe though all the relatedness I was committed to creating. Actually, it was what I was really up but I would pretend that it was just in the background for now.
Taking Action
I get things done in the world by taking action. I am effective and a bit impatient (ok, a lot) so I drive results and make things happen in my job and in my life. Taking action is masculine energy.
I am comfortable with masculine energy, I grew up with it. I was very close to my dad growing up. I went fishing with him, played sports with him, hung out with my brothers and their friends. It's easy for me to related to men as one of the guys. Almost all the men I know end up in the friend zone, even the ones that are tall, dark, and handsome with great personalities. However, the ones that become boyfriends were usually as in touch with their feminine energy as I was with my masculine energy. So in the past, I took action, I took charge in the relationship, gave direction, did things for them, and then I started feeling like their mother.
Being in Feminine Energy
This time dating, I wanted to experience being with a more masculine guy, someone with more masculine than me! To do this, I had to shelf my masculine energy and become more aware of my patterns. This time, I wanted to do things differently and get more acquainted with my feminine energy by focusing more on being than doing; and hopefully, get a different result, a different kind of man. Instead of making things happen, I was going to lean back and focus on being not doing, being soft, receptive, vulnerable, and just accepting (geez, I had to google feminine qualities just right now because I totally went blank on what it looked like, oh boy...).
Digital Handkerchief
I'm not talking about handkerchief code but instead, a tradition from the past, where women would drop their handkerchief as a man walked by, in hopes that he would see it, pick it up, hand it back to her, and use it as a way to start a conversation with her.
After creating a profile on a dating app, I would only allow myself to take a small action to drop a digital handkerchief on the app by sending a mind-blowing first message to open up a space for a conversation.
I have been on dating apps in the past, I was so focused on a relationship on I would get impatient, want to hurry up and meet already. I often committed to quickly which often led to feelings of disappointment. This time, I would spend time just dating, match energies, and not be in such a hurry to lock things down. This time, I wanted to learn more about myself by being more aware of feelings of impatience, disappointment, and other stuff lurking below the surface that relating to others in this way often brings up.
The Firefighter
One of the first messages I received was from a firefighter with very nice biceps. We starting texting and I felt resistance his messages about warm oil massages but agreed to meet him for a drink. He wanted to meet at the tennis club and thought I should bring my bikini in my purse just in case I felt like joining him in the outdoor jacuzzi if the date went well (geez).
The night before, he wanted to talk on the phone, it sounded like a good idea since I wanted to create a space for people to share and really get to know them. We had great conversations about MMA fighters, broccoli sprouts and sulphoraphane. His profile was a bit thin so I asked him what he was looking for on the site. He shared that he wanted a relationship but was a bit resigned and didn't think that people could really stay together long term. I didn't agree and couldn't be with what he was saying and decided that we shouldn't meet after all and that we should just be friends. I stopped the conversation abruptly. Then I thought, wow, this is what not listening, not being related or vulnerable looks like.
Relating - Not so much
I felt really bad, he was just being honest. I said I was committed to really getting into a person's world but when the Firefighter shared what he really thought, I shut down the conversation and the entire relationship. This is not listening, this is wanting to control the situation.
I only wanted to listen when someone was saying what I wanted to hear, when it was something that I didn't to hear, I wasn't really up for it. I realized that I could have really got into his world to hear why he thought that, what had happened to him to make him feel that way, and how he came to that conclusion. Even if I didn't agree with his conclusion, I would have understood him better and been more related to him. Listening to what is not popular opinion actually increases relatedness more than only agreeing with things that I am ok with. I wanted to learn how to stay related through difficult conversations whether or not I agreed with what was being said or not. I also realized that there was a lot of vulnerability in his what he shared. I, on the other hand, often forget how to be vulnerable, I just shut things down when I get uncomfortable. . There is a zen saying, how you do anything is how you do everything and I see how i shut things down in other areas of my life. I totally fucked up that interaction but got very clear on what relating does and does not look like.
Next up..
The Big Biker, a zen lesson in expectations