Welcome to today's topic. I haven't been writing about philosophy related stuff for a long time. Today is the day to talk about a deeply held problem in society and how it affected me for a long time.
To be completely honest with you, and that is what this blog is about - me expressing my thoughts - I haven't been much social with people my whole life. I am not old or something. I am currently 19, but the problem began early in life. As a kid, I was antisocial to the limit. You see, normal kids went outside and played with other kids, I did that but in front of the computer. I don't remember my first day I went outside and made real friends, I mean real friends to the point where I would go out with them, but it was around when I was 14. My mum forced me to go out and make friends and I did. I am glad she forced me but the problem was that people are antisocial when social. Early years when I started going out it was fun. I mean yeah I went outside to play with other kids pretty late but it was so much fun I didn't regret my mum forcing me to go out.
Nowadays tho, I am beginning to be antisocial again, unfortunately. Not because I don't have friends, but because of the people who I early on became friends with are now not the same. They have firstly changed so much that I can't recognize them. In a negative way, I mean drugs and so on. That is the new trend. They replaced fun with drugs, hoping to find joy in these substances. When I say drugs, I don't mean like marihuana or some other low key one - I mean really hard stuff that just is spreading so massively and changing so many people around me and not just around me that it is hard to not see it. Because nowadays people do not have anything to dream for and basically they are walking dead bodies - trying to make their life more bearable with drugs.
The main point is not about drugs tho. It is the over the surface connection which everyone tries to build and they never go any further. I have known some people for ages now. I mean basically, when I started to go out more often I made friends who till this day we are still friends. So around 5 years of friendship and we know so little about each other that is fascinating.
The thing that is so much bothering me and I haven't talked about it much with anyone else is the fact surrounding social interactions - they no longer are social. We do not interact, it is the same as me staying at home completely alone just with a couple of friends who are there but in reality, they are somewhere else. There is no interaction. We have built this society around the ethics of friendly behaviour over a real and deep connection. What even more pisses me off is the relationship I had before, my first ever relationship where for around 4 months we had a block between us. What I mean by that is - people tend to want to know you, yes they do, but around after the first or second month of a relationship they burn out. You now know everything over the surface for your partner but most people do not go any deeper. Or they are afraid or unwilling, maybe just too close-minded - the point is that no one cares anymore. But they say stuff like "yeah I want to know more about you" or "we will be together forever", I mean it is just straight up bullshit.
It bothers me so much because I tend to work on myself, research, think, write, create, have fun my own way and there is no one who is even curious about that. The problem is not ME - remove me, anyone can relate in some sense. People do not want to know other people, they want to know every little egoistic part of you, but not your mind or soul. They blush every important topic away, they pretend that the world is just this depressed drug necessary for survival world and nothing magical can happen - "it is just life, boring" someone said.
What is even more crushing is that intelligent people, which I want to meet, are mostly introverts. Why? Because they acknowledge the fact that social interactions are no different than lonely walk or sitting in your home alone. I feel much more engaged in life in solitude than with a person. I feel much more alive when walking alone and enjoying the trees alone in the park than with a friendly stranger which I know for decades. It pisses me off that this society is so deeply into the over the surface information that even our parents do not want to know anything about their children. We do not care. Sadly. I have a real fear of "what if I never find a person who cares?". How would I find any, if they acknowledge the fact that society is antisocial and solitude is better? They would be at home and two deeply caring souls would never meet.
In reality, I have shared more things in this blog than with anybody else because people do not want to listen but you guys do. The problem is that it is not the same. I may write here but it is not as we see each other or have a real conversation. It still helps to just express my emotions, information with some people who I know will read. It is like getting off a big rock from my shoulders when I write in any type of blog or in general. I feel relief.
My dream is to have this extra someone who cares. To share ideas with him and to make our own theories, reality, have fun researching and enjoying life. Travelling and so on. Is that too much to ask? It is not that we psychologically from the start do not want to engage in one another's life - it is embedded so we do not unite. The society, the system divides ourselves first in our mind then we start to express this antisocial-social behaviour outwards. It does a pretty good job at it, I must say. It really hurts for me and I know some of you feel the same. That is how they try to force people who like to think to just obey and transform into the norm - by hating feeling alone, not expressing their knowledge, emotions and so on. They make us literally zombies without emotions and information. Men are not allowed to cry by the system, it tells them that they are weak, women are not allowed to be intelligent - so on and so on - we just need to work so much on fixing this or we would end up in a total disaster.
Maybe the problem is me, The one kid who knows way too much for its age and it is an old soul so to speak. I would not trade my knowledge for a deep relationship. Why? Some people will ask, isn't that what you want? If I traded my knowledge at these early years of my life for instant deep connection, I would not have anything meaningful to connect with this special someone. So I would never trade knowledge for an instant relationship, I will be suffering misunderstood friendships till I find the person who cares and then I would deeply connect - making us balanced.
Till this day and age, I do not have anyone with who I can one-hundred percent speak my mind with. With who I can tell anything, without borders. I am not feeling lonely, alone and lonely is different. I do not like to be alone because this extra someone helps us figure out more, it helps thoughts flow and overall it is so much better to have a person with who you are totally comfortable saying or expressing anything. The difference between lonely and alone is - lonely means the person hates being in solitude and alone is he hates not having someone by his side. I like having my own time, I do not fear to be alone in my house. I feel fear of not stumbling upon or having someone with who I can open completely my mind to. With who I can feel the same exciting feeling when being alone. And yeah... it sucks. I would still search for this special someone. I feel distressed about the fact that I need to search so much to find this person. If we indeed had a thinking population, capable of deeply understanding one another - there would be a soulmate in every corner. I mean the term soulmate is a bit bullshity, because basically, most people are 90% not caring about one another. If we were to care and to want a deep understanding - everyone would have a soulmate. A soulmate is a person who cares and deeply connects to us. Until I find my "soulmate" as everyone calls them I would roam the world and nature alone, but not lonely. The day I find her - I would never let her go. And as always, thanks for reading. Have a beautiful day. Peace and love <3