I have been told that I overreact. Mostly from my brothers, as brothers do like to point out....granted I do point out the same of them. As siblings do.
Since August '18, I made a point working on it. I made a promise...and each time something didn't seem right I would message or pass on to a friend who would offer an opinion...and tell me if I was reading it right or reading it wrong.
Increasingly over those months I kept getting messages from people. Some business related and others the kind you don't invite or welcome.
Each come at different times of the day. Those from people looking for help can come at hours of the days, because people with issues or barriers don't keep usually business hours.
Now you can understand the issue with that....because the unwelcome messages from people come in on the same hours.
I had developed a pattern to protect myself with these unwelcome messages.
Read or transcribe the message, who it was sent by, and the means it was sent. I would then forward to a chum, who would then analyse for me and make fun of the ones who were the pervs.
With the human filter I was able to work with and help, or advise those who would looking for advise or direction.
One evening, while chatting away with my chum....I received a message from someone else. This was the second time I had received a message from this person....I went through the usual steps as before.
I was asked where I was from, where I was....I was advised to be polite and then direct the conversation back to where the fundraising. That will tell me if the person was a perv or fundraising.
When I asked the person the question to relate it back to the fundraising, the man halted messages.
That was the answer.
Fast forward a month to Feb 28th, 2019.
working away on film paperwork, a message pops up on my phone. 2am in the morning.
The perv was back and he wasn't messaging about fundraising. It was an innocent message.
So I messaged my chum who was keeping me company as I toiled away at film stuff.
It was a message of asking "what do i respond with at a reasonable hour, to have this person go away."
The chum not himself made a joke that didn't help.
I signed out and went to bed.
the next day I drafted a message in my head to write back to this late night perv writer.
"I'm sorry I don't respond to messages after 11pm. I don't feel comfortable receiving messages from people after that time, nor does my boyfriend."
Before sending it, for about 4 hrs that morning I struggled with the opening wording.
Because I started it with saying "I'm sorry..."
Why was I apologizing to a perv that didn't get the hint. Why did i feel the need to begin the statement with that.
Why do I have to come up with a reason for someone to not message me after hours and not get the hint?
Why?
So over those four hours as I worked out the statement, it always included some variation of "im sorry...."
and it pissed me off that I had this thought that i needed to apologize to someone that was the perv.
Where did this mentality develop in all my years. I was raised by feminist brothers, and a strong Mother...and even supportive brother. SO where did this mentality come from.
I know that I am Canadian, and as a Canadian we over use "I'm sorry..." BUT where did this I'm sorry come from when telling someone to leave me alone?
Near the end of the four hours my revised draft became "F-off you sick bleeep bleeep bleeper"
But of course I would not send something like that.
Just then my Chum messaged and I pointedly asked "Am I overreacting, and should I give this person the benefit of the doubt?"
Instead of getting the supportive rationale he always gave....he replied by making a joke...and then continued to respond in a curt joking way. So I responding in a curt jokey way...
To be honest my chum sounded upset or jealous...angry almost that someone was messaging me after hours.
I gave up trying to ask for advice and messaged the perv. " I have a boyfriend and he doesn't like you messaging me after hours." followed by my blocking them.
What continued after with my Chum was a strange set of conversations. I proudly bragged that I was able to get rid of the perv....using the old bar line of "I have a boyfriend." so very proud of myself.
what followed....was silence for 24 hours from my chum. what followed those 24hrs of silence came with a series of bizarre messages or out of character messages. Vague and meant to solicit a response out of concern or question.
I had seen this before....and I waited for the next moment....the moment I was expecting next. It came and I was annoyed....I don't know if I could say I was angry....I don't think I could say how I felt.
I said what I wanted to say. I didn't feel like my response was an over reaction. my response felt like a reaction that allowed me to say what I needed to say, what I had to say.
my boundary had been crossed and it was done intentionally....and I didn't know why.
I had never why it was done, but it was always done to cause pain. It often had felt like it was done to punish me for some invisible reason.
when it did become apparent that a scene was being intentionally painted....I put my foot down and ended it.
In the days that passed I wondered if I had overreacted. Did I act rashly?
I used the rationale that I had asked that same chum before to work through for me.....and according the rationale I learned from him...I had not overreacted. I stood up for myself.
I stood up to protect myself. The same protection he used to point out that I didn't use. The same self care that he used to say I needed to do for myself more.
So now weeks later....in my random thought I question:
if he knew I didn't protect myself or stand up for myself as thought I should, did he use this as a means to cause hurt?
These occasional last questions I ponder leads to late night readings about mental health and personality disorders.
I fall into the spectrum of cluster C myself; OCD....with a few check marks on the avoidant spectrum and dependant.
The three create an anxious person...or does the anxiety create the spectrum?
Over these next couple weeks, to take a mental break from film paperwork, I'm going to do some reading and writing about the clusters of personality disorders (A,B,C).
So bare with me :)