In our unrelenting search for the real news, and also to justify watching 389 hours of porn for 'research purposes', our intrepid reporter at the Daily Patriot daily decided to 'go deep'.
Often tainted as the dark pit of debauchery and sin, we deiced that to find out just how the industry works.
And there would be no better place to start , than an interview with someone from within in the industry itself.
Someone who had been in it for years, and knew the dirty secrets and knew how things _really_operated.
Patriot set off to get an interview with Theresa May!.... or is it Teresa May?... Or is it Terry mightdo?
That's not important right now, what matter's is that an interview was arranged...
Armed with only a camera, mic, and a packet of mints, Patriot went on the trail, in search of the truth.
Here is his exclusive report!...(no mints were harmed during the making of this production)
The 'photo boy', or whatever he's called,you know, the one who inserts the photographs in the final copy, you know what I mean...- anyway - he's off sick, so we did the best we could.
He also took a stack of DVD's from the office, so 'he could do more research from home!'. He's a trooper, that one.
It is often said that it is the putrid den of corruption. It represents all that is bad about today's society, but after much research, the facts appear not to fit the reality.
here are some facts we found out..
Not all porn stars are really as sexy as they are portrayed.
But all politicians are as bad as they are portrayed, if not worse.
Yes, the shocking news is – we are being lied to!
gasp !
Yes...... lied to. Things are not as they seem, it seems...
Theresa May, Teresa May.
......Oh shit, lets just say the girl in front of the camera to avoid confusion..
"Just call me 'T', " She said " My full name's only used for when I'm in front the camera, for when groups of drunken men are salivating all over me with their buddies."
"Oh! That reminds me" She said, as she called her assistant over, "Arrange for that meeting with Jean Claude Junkcers, will you, darling?"
She explained that Junckers and 'his type', was the only time when she used her full name. . " If he can't remember my full name, I know it's going to be a short meet, and he'll never get to completion. We just go through motions, as he tries his best not to fall over. It's quite pathetic really, but when he calls, you come." She started laughing " Well, I always do, anyway!"
" You've been in the limelight so much lately" I asked " How would you describe the last couple of years? Have you enjoyed yourself?"
"It hasn't been the best time of my life, I must confess." She said, " People might not think it, but I'm not very comfortable in front of the camera, I'm actually quite shy, really, in 'normal life'.
She paused after this, and you could sense that she was thinking about the the times gone by, the times before she spent so much time exposed to the world...
She carried on " It actually took a long time for me to be so comfortable, and there was quite a lot of 'off camera grooming', going on - just so I could appear to be at tease.
You see me as happy now , with all those pearl necklaces, day in day out...but it wasn't always like that.." She ran her hands over her face and neck .
" I love peal necklaces now, though!" She laughing, " I just can't get enough of 'em nowadays, I'm such a naughty girl! "
" Is this the career you ever envisioned for yourself? " I asked.
"God no!" She said, straight away. "It's not the kind of thing your parents would be proud of, now is it? But it's OK, they came to terms with me doing what I do, but they never realized that it would be with so many men.
I explained that it's not just men, and I have some very close girlfriends that I work with, and we can have great fun together."
She became very serious at this point " Although Esther can be a bit of a cow sometimes, to be honest.
I can kind of understand it though, she loves to perform to the camera- she's a natural.
But she always tries and make sure the camera's are on her, and not me. I don't like that."
She breather deeply, " But, for better or worse- I'm in charge, I'm the star of the show, and I'm not going to let some young blonde bimbo steal my pearl necklaces."
Talking about the current events in her life, I asked her how the negotiations were going concerning her European friends.
"Not good, I'm afraid, not good at all , " She said "They want some back door action in northern Ireland, but while I'm happy to for it it, many people in my team, are not happy with it. At all.
I told them it's go nothing to do with them, that it's my choice, but the raucous that it's caused has put me right off.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do now."
"Your husband doesn't like the idea? " I asked.
"No it's not him, he loves it - its 'Moggy', as I like to call him." She said " He's very conservative you see, and thinks any back door action will just lead to us compromising ourselves.
I don't see it that way, so I don' t mind it , but he objects. He doesn't like the idea of open access without any protection, you see. "
I quite like the idea, myself," She giggles. "But Moggy told me straight, 'there will be no more pearl necklace shoots, if I carry on with this deal'. Oh, whats a girl to do?" She mused.
Her assistant interrupted the interview at this point, explaining that she was due on camera very soon.
"Come with me, "She said, " We can keep interviewing while I get ready...
That was hardly an invitation I could refuse, and so I followed her to her through to her dressing room...
"What do you think?" She said to me, as she put on the black dress, showing lots of flesh and intimating at more with the sheer, see through mesh.
"Er,...." I gulped, I truly didn't know what to say. I was here for an interview, and I'm no a fashionista.
She could see my unease, and quickly whipped it off, quite naked.
"What about this, too short?" She asked once again, looking for my advice in her new outfit.
" I really don't know," I stammered, " It shows your legs off , I guess...."
"
"Mmmm...." She said, looking in the full length mirror, " They don't look at my legs, so it doesn't really matter, They're far more interested in the mouth action."
Finally, she decided on a figure hugging red number, which showed off her curves to perfection.
With one last drink of water, she turned to me, "I'm afraid the interview is over, time for me to get out there and perform.."
I nominate 
and 