One thing I wish I could change about myself, it’s my habit of overthinking. And when I say overthinking, I don’t mean the normal kind where you sit down and carefully analyze a situation. No, for mine, I should receive a Grammy award, my brain has this annoying habit of running unnecessary marathons over the smallest things. I wish there was way to press pause or just reset.
Maybe it wouldn't have been this worse if Nigeria was not like this, cos to be honest, this country gives you enough to think about already, ranging from fuel scarcity, power outage, cost of foods, clothing's, education and all, there’s already plenty on ground already. To now add overthinking to all those, even to the smallest things, I do think a lot before doing it, I would give myself various answers and all, for instance, I think whether to greet someone first or wait for them to greet me, and boom, my brain starts a court session. “If you greet first, won't they think you’re too forward", if you don’t, wont they think you’re rude? My brain/head and drama is 5&6.
There was a time I went to a wedding, and I wore this my newly sown beautiful ankara outfit, for weeks I had been hyping the cloth in my mind. I left home ad as soon as I walked into the venue, my brain started with its usual nonsense. “Are you sure this color doesn’t make you look too bright?, "When you are not the groom or grooms men", "what if people think you’re overdressed", you self , you too do o", is the tailor’s work even as neat as you thought?. My head almost exploded, and for the rest of that event, I couldn’t even enjoy myself because I was busy scanning everyone’s expressions and trying to decode what everyone who looked at me might be thinking about me, about my outfit. Well no one cared, but my brain was shouting NO.
Overthinking also has its way with my relationships with people. If someone doesn’t reply to my message on WhatsApp or Facebook, my brain will be like, “maybe they’re angry with you., maybe you said something off/wrong", maybe they dont like you anymore", and meanwhile, the person is probably just busy or struggling with bad network. And even though logically I knew this, but emotionally my brain worries and it’s exhausting.
Though, I have learnt that it (overthinking) doesn’t solve problems, it only creates imaginary ones. You spend so much time playing out worst case scenarios and most times the things I overthink about never really turned out the way I imagined. The various situations I spent hours worrying about, later, they either resolve on their own or turns out to be something I can handle easily. But at that moment, it’s hard to remember such.
The funny thing is, you’d think I’d stop it, but even writing this, a lot is going on in my head already, "will you find someone like you", how will this thing about you be accepted", will people really engage"....... A lot is going on and happening around, life throwing various things, but my brain still finds time to create imaginary stress when there’s already plenty of real stress on around. I guess it loves giving itself extra work.
I think the reason I want to change this about myself is that it holds me back, it makes me hesitaye, and life isn’t waiting for one to figure things out. I’ve missed opportunities because I was too busy overthinking it outcome before I even starts. I have wasted energy worrying about things that didn’t matter, I’ve robbed myself of peace. Imagine how it would be to just live without constantly analyzing every move.
Well, changing this habit at this age won’t be easy. Its one of the harder habit to change, it's not like switching off a generator. But I am taking steps to be focused and remind myself to do what I cacan and let go of what I can't, sometimes, I just tell myself when caught in the act "are you not complicating things the more" then I just let go.
So, if there’s one thing I could change, it’s this ovrthinking. It’s more like carrying invisible load on the head and trekking in the hot sun. Well I’m working on it. And maybe one day, I’ll finally let go totally.....
all pictures are mine