Today we are going to talk about ... DRUGS
I have been a user, advocate and sometimes broker of said objects for the past 10 years of my life.
Drugs have brought me many wonderful experiences as well as contributing to some not so enjoyable (at the time) ones.
I want to speak about how I have used drugs, how they have impacted me, and share some of the wisdom that I have gained.
I was first exposed to drugs through media and television, getting the standard dose of "Drugs are Bad" and "Just say No". Without spending too much time harping on the ineffectiveness of this, let's just say ... it doesn't work.
If you are an individual who is trying to help people (or children) develop positive habits in life, start with education, not enforcement. (at least that is what would have benefited me)
I started experimenting with alcohol and marijuana in High School and then began exploring psychedelics in college. While I have done others, I mainly stick to those three.
Let's talk about Alcohol (and get it out of the way).
I have never really had an issue with alcohol. I enjoy drinking at times but DESPISE being hungover. For this reason I keep my drinking to pretty tame levels and am not worried about it growing past this. I also think another reason is the time it takes to get drunk. Sure it can occur more quickly if you are pounding shots ... but that's just kind of gross. I think this time delay is why I have chosen Marijuana as my drug of choice.
Our Friend Mary Jane
I first smoked weed in High School. I know it was a blunt of Blueberry Kush but I don't remember the experience very well (how fitting). I didn't smoke much in High School (didn't really have access to it) but once I got to college my habit increased. My freshman year I used a few times a week... that skyrocketed to multiple times per day during my second year.
I was in school and my courses were not very demanding. I could wake up in the morning, smoke, go to class and do fine in school. I wasn't breaking any attendance or performance records but I didn't really care about those things. My life was going well and Marijuana was a way to make my experience THAT much better and more vivid.
This habit continued for the duration of my college experience. What changed was how I perceived my life. As a freshman and sophomore I could do no wrong. I was focused on playing Ultimate Frisbee, everything was new and I was having a blast (for the most part). As I grew older I began to be confronted by the realities of life.
I got a serious injury and couldn't play Frisbee anymore. I had to start working to pay some of my bills (thanks Parents for all that you did give me). I hadn't built a balanced lifestyle / social network so without Frisbee I ended up isolating myself. School was coming to an end and I had NO plan for the real world. Stress began piling up and I was horribly inadequate at handling it.
Desiring the bliss and naivety of my previous years I turned to the plant for comfort. What began as a way to have fun had shifted into a one stop shop for avoiding the challenges of life. As I hid from the world, the challenges continued to build, and so did my stress levels.
You can guess what happened next...
It seems to me that many people with drug problems find themselves in a similar position. Drugs become a coping mechanism with the added benefit of increasing your need to cope... Wonderful.
So, you may be asking yourself how I am here today writing this post if I found myself in a never ending cycle of stress, avoid, increase stress?
Well, for me, it happened like this.
As I continued to hide from life I started experiencing deeper and deeper depression. This arose because the avoidance patterns I built were stopping me from doing all things, not just the ones that I found challenging. My life had faded away and I was NOT HAPPY.
This went on for a while, but eventually I had had enough. I was angry with myself for allowing myself to turn into what I was, angry with the world for putting this pressure on myself and just plan angry at anything and everything that I could be angry at.
I decided to make a change
This was not a single monumentous shift, but rather an ongoing process. If I was going to be here on earth, living, breathing and shitting, I might as well put in some effort and try to make the best of it.
So I did just that. My life did not change overnight but rather I began the evolution that I am still experiencing today. I decided to take better care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I forced myself to change habits that were no longer serving me and started creating habits that would support my future.
It took a lot of work (and I'm not done) but I was able to lift myself out of the crevasse that I had dug for myself. I had support from friends and family, but mostly it was sheer will and frustration with the life that I was living. I made a decision, put my head down and trudged through the bullshit for a while.
I can confidently say that my decision has paid off ten fold. I am now living a life that I want to be living and am excited about my future. I am not done, complete or finished with this journey BUT I am in a place where I can exist without being in constant psycho-somatic pain and have shifted self-loathing to self-love.
I was prompted to write this post as I have experienced what many would call a mini-relapse over the past few weeks. I recently flew out to the great state of Washington where Marijuana is legal and I have definitely been enjoying my new freedom.
I came out here to ride my bicycle around and travel and Marijuana definitely helped getting up some of those long and steep Washington hills ...
Yet, that trip has come to an end and I am now in a position where I want to start working on different projects. The demands of my current life are greater than eat food, ride bike, rest, repeat and this new burden caused enough stress/angst that I fell back into my avoidance patterns for a bit. At first I was frustrated, and then I felt angry at myself, but alas I have returned (or so it seems) to a place of self love.
I understand myself pretty well now and KNOW that beating myself up does no good ... so I try to accept and understand my behavior before judging.
I challenged myself with a new project. As with all projects, some unexpected circumstances arose. These new challenges pushed my outside of my comfort zone and I turned to Marijuana to find comfort. For a period of time as I was acclimating myself to these new challenges I used Marijuana as protector. Now that I feel comfortable with this new tier of existence, my desire to hide/avoid has faded away.
Some people may look at this a relapse and recovery but I do not. I see this as a normal response to stress. While it may not be the most efficient coping mechanism, it is one that works for me.
DISCLAIMER: I am not suggesting anyone adopt this as a successful coping mechanism. I am actively working to change this as it creates turbulence in my life; however, I do want to clarify that I DO NOT think that this behavior is bad or negative. There are many people who have or do act like this and to you I say ... IT IS OK! We do not have to be perfect. If we are striving to become better than we have already won the game.
With that I have brought you up to my present moment.
I exist now excited, somewhat fatigued from this wall of text I have created, but also optimistic. I have learned to steer the experience that is my life and I know my north star. While I will most likely have many more sidetracks in my life, I am confident in my ability to course correct and move forward.
Ultimately, what I wanted to express is this:
Drugs are neither good nor bad
If you have a problem with drugs, ask yourself what problem you have that you are not facing
Once you know the answer to the previous question, solve it yourself or ask for help.
Observe how your relationship to drugs changes.
Was the problem a drug problem or did it have a different origin all together.
We are all in this together folks! Lets do our best to support each other and share our wisdom and love.