In the time I've been here, the people who've faithfully read (most of) my posts, will have read about my 'plans' and will also have seen these plans change a few times.
Truth is, sometimes I can have a great plan, even start to plan it all out, but still end up stuck somewhere between planning and actually acting out the plan. This can have several reasons with which I won't bore you at this point, but some of those reasons are the obvious: lack of resources. Lately, I've been thinking about this a bit more (well, lately... a few months ago is more correct) and I realized that often I would also sabotage my own plans. Not intentionally, but sabotage nevertheless.
I discovered that the reason I'm still here is not so much because I really want to be here. It is also not because of fear of the unknown. I'm way beyond fearing making changes and starting a new, different life. I know that once the intention is there, it will always be alright, wherever it is, so fear is not the issue. There has been more to fear by staying put than by leaving. No, the reason why I'm still here is that my mind sometimes thinks: "Ah, things are not that bad here." Or, when we suddenly get a few days of sunshine, instead of the dark, dreadful rainy days, I can actually admire Ireland's beauty and sometimes get a FOMO feeling. Yup, the actual fear of missing out (not to be confused with the fear of the unknown). Missing out on the good, or even amazing days here in Ireland. The days that really can't be found elsewhere, like some festivities (sorry, but St. Paddy's day in New York or Boston is just not the same as it is here...). There is the realization that we really haven't seen all of Ireland yet, not even close, and that I always wanted to do a "Tour de Eire". The F(ear) O(f) M(issing) O(ut) on ever seeing all these places before we leave here. This comes from something else. In the past, I've been to places and more or less got 'stuck' there as well, not as drastic though.
Wherever I went, there were always places I wanted to see, never went to because I thought: 'I'll make it there another time' and never did, regretting this every single time. When I was in the US, first in New York, then Arizona and lastly in Las Vegas, I had these 'plans' to see as much as I could in other states.
And sure, I managed to see quite a bit. I managed to drive to Colorado from Vegas, but always more or less in a hurry. I went to California. Just not the places in Cali where I really wanted to go. Only to LA because some crazy friends decided it was a good idea to make the long drive just for a party (I hate LA) or New Port Beach and San Diego, but only because I was 'going that way anyway'.
I went to Sedona, but not to Tucson as I had planned. I drove across the border, to Utah, but not because I wanted to inhale the scenery, but to 'save' a friend who couldn't be saved...
Truth is, when you're in a place like Las Vegas, especially at a young age, but over 21, there is really not so much else one could ever ask for. The city has it all. OK, it's in the middle of the desert, but as a remedy for that, there are numerous pools where one can (illegally) hang out. Life in Vegas, for me at least, was completely different than the rest of my life. I lived more at night than during the day, so the heat didn't bother me that much. Only at work, but we had remedies for that too (airconditioned Casinos). The city is not so huge that it would take too long to escape to a more rural area if one so wishes, and there are truly enough places and natural beauty to discover just surrounding the city.
There were parties everywhere, and always something going on. So, there was really never a reason to leave the place.
Because of that, I held off trips to places I really would have loved to see with the excuse: 'I'll do it some other time.'
Only: some other time never came.
I had the same when I was in St. Martin and then traveled to Cuba for a (too) short visit. It was only for some 'business' (I might tell you about that one at some stage), but even in that short time, I promised myself to go back. I never did.
In Asia, I lived in Bangkok 1-2 weeks out of the month, and the rest in Singapore. I was supposed to travel to Cambodia, Laos, and Myanmar with two friends, but had to let them go ahead without me because I felt ill, I would follow later. When one of them returned from Cambodia after three days, without the other, with the news that our friend had gotten killed (it was the wildest story I've ever heard in my life...well, almost) and that's why he came back early...I never had the courage to make the trip on my own, and there was no way I could convince him to come along. Regretting this more than anything else.
So, now, while I don't know where I will be next year, and also know that I don't want it to be here, I have this sense of losing out on the best parts and places of Ireland, while we were stuck where we are. Pretty much.
Then, there is also a feeling of guilt. The people we will leave behind. My youngest son's father and aunt for instance. His father...I couldn't care less, because he has other priorities than his son, but somehow my boy adores him, so I would be taking that away from him. His aunt has always been there for us when we needed her, even if she had to drive 4 hours from her home to ours, she'd be there. And I really want for her to be in his life, our lives. On the other hand, during the summer, there is a house for us close to where they live, so there is always an option to come back each summer...
And that's not it either. Ireland is not going anywhere. And neither am I or so it seems. Well, I know why. It's because I shatter my intent. One moment I have it all planned out, and then the next I start to change things, worry, doubt, and that's why nothing is happening and nothing changes. It's quite comfortable to remain in place because we don't have to go anywhere, but we want to. Now, because the plans keep changing, my focus is diversified, and yup: stuck.
So after years of planning nothing, I planned...
If I just continue with the way things are right now, nothing will get done.
source
Every time I tell myself 'this is not so bad' I need to slap myself in the face and remember all those times when we sit here shivering from the cold because rural Ireland is still lightyears behind the rest of the world when it comes to heating. Insulation in a house? HAH! Funny. You will have a very hard time finding insulating material under any kinds of flooring here in this country. It's just not done. And as a result, it makes the temperature of a house about 3-10 degrees colder. Medieval times I call it. I mean, in a country where it's wet and cold 9 months out of the year...COME ON!!! Sure, our heating (fire) eventually heats up the house and the water, but before we get there, we shiver...for at least an hour or two.
I know, it's not, and shouldn't be the only motivator to leave. There is so much more. But in order to get away from here, my financial situation has to improve...drastically. Slowly but surely, it seems like the winds are changing in my favor. But not enough, just yet.
So for the past few months, I've been looking for jobs. I can't just take any job, mornings is out of the question. And there's an issue: if I can't find something for the evenings, I will have to think about sending the kids to school...temporarily, but still: school.. UGH! I don't want to. But then I think, it will only be for a little while...What harm can it do? Hopefully not a lot.
There is something in the system here, some kind of loophole or 'bonus' or whatever you want to call it. BUT, if someone goes to work for at least 38 hours every two weeks, they can apply for something called: FIS. Family Income Support.
This doesn't count if you're self-employed, only if working for a boss. This would mean that my weekly income would double. Actually, more than that. Yup...
I have to consider my options. I've been living of our bare minimum for so long, with an income of twice that amount, I'd be able to save enough money to have some kind of buffer to finally leave it all behind in only a few months if things go as 'planned'...Fingers crossed I will find a way.
Just writing it down, makes it more real.
Thank you for reading!